Paperthin Dreams Poem by Andrus Cassian

I'm sorry, I just can't do this
Wait why apologize, I'm not sorry
I can't go through with it anymore
holding my tongue
This isn't fair; IT'S NOT FAIR
My hand is close to broken
strong arm broken, seven piles of dust
and regrets, I have none
except I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED MORE
Where is another brick wall
I need this pen, I don't want to break it
JUST MY HAND
I HATE ALL OF THIS
I HATE ALL OF THIS
I'd be better off living in a tree
or hanging from its branch, dangling
JUST CARVE OUT MY HEART
AND LEAVE ME BREATHLESS
I can find my own way home
just hand me back the map
I lost when I was walking alone
One question that's burning more
than the flame already gone out:
why give me so much hope
something to shoot for
if you're just going to take it all away
if you know in pain, I'll just cry out your name in vain
THIS CAN'T HAPPEN AGAIN
all I ever wanted, of course to me she was everything
but FOR THREE YEARS
FOR THREE YEARS
she's been someone else's, someone else's
a chasm of emptiness
it's more than emptiness
more than loneliness
more than an enigma
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Nobody can show me
it's my flaw
nobody can tell me
they don't know what's wrong
because my voice is silent to them
I'll tell no one
Just leave my hand to burn
just leave my mind to numb
Between you and me
if I had the chance
I know I'd do it all over again
SOMEBODY FIGHT ME
SOMEBODY HIT ME
I'VE GOT THREE YEARS OF BLIND SIDED RAGE
READY TO UNLEASH
from all the pain I've endured
from all the b.s. shoved down my throat
I'M JUST A TICKING TIME-BOMB
WITH A BROKEN HEART because I'm so sick of believing
even though I'm only 15
I'm only 15
there could possibly be someone right for me
And last Thursday I found her
but it was all in my head
BUT THREE YEARS PRIOR
WHILE I WANTED A FIGHT
she was with somebody else...
...she was with somebody else...
WHY DOES EVERYTHING I WANT
COME WITH A PAINSTAKING PRICE
I WANT TO FIGHT, NOT LEARN
BUT LEARNING IS WINNING
I WANT TO LOVE, NOT HURT
BUT HURT KEEPS PUNCHING MY WEAKNESS
and all I have to me are these last 5 pages
all there is left to me
are my paperthin dreams
which none are coming true
I can't be everyone
I can't be them
I can't be you
I can't even be me in a flashback
a plastic smile plastered on my face
I've lost touch with happiness, happiness I could never know
IT'S BEEN 4 YEARS
4 STRUGGLING YEARS
SINCE I'VE TRULY SMILED, TRULY FELT ALIVE
I thought she was it
I trusted she was it
I placed a heart around her when I saw her first
she could have been maybe in a different time
but somebody please tell me that I'll be alright
Crossfade, can you help me here
cause everything's wrong
Breathing slowly's not helping
I'm trying to be already gone
but this dead skin is binding me
I never meant to be so cold
just drown her out of my mind...but I can't
I can still hear her voice
ringing in my ears
NO! ...NO! ...no?
I taught myself this lesson
once before with a different means
Why haven't I learned yet
Why do I have to ask these one-sided dead end questions
I don't care anymore
I don't know anymore
I'm already weak
from fighting with air
Time to fall asleep again
Hopefully I can forget but I know it's a lie
I could tell myself I don't care
even though I care with all I am
even the eyes watching me but could never know me
can tell what I'm thinking
because my eyes keep roaming to the girl of my dre...
This isn't fair...
this...just isn't fair
She meant everything...
she was the girl of my...dreams...
or so I thought...