Only Existing Poem by Lissa White

I feel like I no longer exist
A black hole of nothingness
Swallowing up myself
Where am I at?
Can anyone hear me crying in the dark?
I have lost myself
I am some ones mother
Some ones sister and some ones daughter
But who Am I?
Who can I be?
But I am a nurse maid
To the world it seems
Where to black I fade
Everyone is so wrapped up in themselves
Not caring at all about me
Or what I might need
A shoulder to cry on
A room of my own
A spot for me
And only me
In this house of madness
It’s not going to happen
Because everyone needs me
This I chose to be
Because of loyalty
Always taught you take care of your own
No matter what
I’m in my own prison
One of my making
Always giving, never taking
Feeling very used
And abused
And totally taken advantage of
Holding my anger in check
Although it is hard
Just the luck of the card
What I was dealt in life
I want to run away
Leave this all behind
My conscience won’t let me
Only through death I’ll be free
Because I have to be the responsible one
The one everyone depends on
And clings on
Pulling me lower in the pit
Of nothingness
Time is my enemy
Taking away my life
Wanting to cut the umbilical cord with a knife
Leaches clinging to me
Never letting me free
How do I make a life
From this agony I live
I feel I have no more to give
I am exhausted
And my mind is numb
And I feel so dumb
For getting into this position
But I love them
And they need me
So that overrides anything I may need
How do I go on
I keep most of it to myself
Put it on a shelf
And try to be cheerful
When all I want is to die
I just need some strength
To go the length
To keep going on day after day
No matter how gray
No matter how dark
But it leaves its mark
In my very soul
It’s taking its toll
When will it end
When will it be over
I just need a small space
For just me
As it should be
Where no body need me
Where I can be free
Where I can be me
Whoever that may be
Because I feel so lost
But that’s the cost
Of being everything
For everyone
And only existing