Letting It Out Poem by Juvela Obi

I walk in the door
I hear them laughing
They don’t know
Someone asks
“How was your day? ”
I don’t want
To end the laughter
So I pull out a mask
And put on Apathy

“It was fine”
I shrug
They all nod
And go back to their game
I almost don’t see
Eiji watching me

The day comes to a close
We all part our ways
They go to bed
I go to the kitchen
I pour my tea
Then turn around
Eiji stands in the door

He takes my hand
Leads me to the room
And closes the door
“Fine isn’t good enough”
He says softly
“I want you to be
Okay”
I know I can’t fool him
Empathy defeats Apathy
So I pull out
Another mask
And put on Strength

“I am fine
And I’ll be okay
It wasn’t that bad”
Hand on my shoulder
He makes me sit down
And sits beside me
“Define ‘that bad’”
I shrug
He stares
I sigh
And tell him

As I talk
I start to melt
The tears start to flow
I can’t hold it in
“It’s not that bad
I’ve been through worse
It shouldn’t matter”
Eiji laughs softly
Holds me tighter
And says
“You’re not invincible
It’s not the worst
But it’s still not good”
I sniff and lean on him
In more ways than one
“It’s not that bad
I should be able to handle it”
The mask is broken
Eiji breaks them all
And I have to cry

My body shakes
And my throat aches
I have to let it out

For a long hour
We sit like this
Just Eiji and me
As I let go
What I’ve held in
For too long

I cry for a long time
Not saying much
Eiji holds me
Whispers to me
Says I’ll be okay
When I can’t cry anymore
Too tired to shed
Another tear
I start to fade
I know I’m falling
But I don’t want to wait
And I want to hear
So I pull out my last mask
And I put on Sleep

I close my eyes
And slow my breath
And listen to his words

He strokes my hair
Says “Sleep well”
And whispers
What he thinks
I can’t hear

“You’re stronger than you know
From what you’ve been through
But you don’t need to be
Here with me
You can let go
And be weak”

I can’t help but smile
I know he cares
And as I really fall
Eiji says
“I love you”