I Don'T Know Poem by Brittany Quail

I don't even know.
What I want.
Why I want it.
Where I want to be.
Why I want to be
Her.

I don't know
Why I say things
Why I do things
Why I can't stand
to see other people
achieve what I can't
Or be what I can never be

I don't know
Why I can't be good
be happy
be carefree
be able to accept her
and her
and her
and her
as people
only because of something that I THINK they did wrong

I don't know why
I TRY AND TRY AND TRY
and nothing changes
I still want to be her
look like her
act like her
live HER life
I still want not to exist sometimes

I don't know why
I can't accept that I CAN do, , ,
a few things
only because the fact still stands
She is better...
and so is she
and so is she
and so is she
A bitter truth that I may NEVER
come to terms with

I don't know why
I TRY AND TRY AND TRY AND TRY...
and her picture
every word of hers i've ever read
her presence in the back of my mind
CONTINUES
to sit there and say
you can't
you aren't
you will never be
you are worthless
and it will NEVER go away

I don't know why
I spend time thinking about it
letting it be part of what makes me scared
of people
of the world
of living
of her
and yet I'm still too stubborn to give up
the want
the need
the longing
for the presence of people in my life

I don't know why
I TRY EVERY DAMN DAY
to get past it
to be okay with it
to not be
jealous
a bitch
angry
controlling
afraid
whiny
AND I TRY
AND TRY
AND TRY
and nobody can tell
because SHE won't go away
and neither will she
and neither will she
and neither will she
but especially not HER
and it's NOT fair

I don't know
what I want
or why I want it
or who I REALLY want to be
whether it's her
or me...

I think I'd like to stay myself
even though I don't get 22 comments
on all my pictures saying
'bbydoll you're gorgeous'
and I really don't have any friends
outside of my one favorite person in the world
Even though I'm the worst person I know
and there's nothing I can do to change it
I think I should still WANT be me......right?