How Can I Do This To Myself? Poem by Natalie Rosario

How Can I Do This To Myself?

I give myself to you
That's an understatement
Well you don't have to worry about me
In a day I will be nothing
Used up and thrown away
After I've saved you from all that was cruel
I know it didn't matter to you
Whose to say anything would have changed if I did or didn't do?
I'm worthless to you
But who am I to say your the bad guy
When I threw myself at you
When I let you use me for your own pleasure
I can't even compare myself to a human cause I seem more like a salve
A salve to my own emotions
My hopes and wishes
Afraid of doing anything
Even stopping myself from hurting myself
Cause in the end that's how it all turns out
Great another day crying on my bed holding myself
Grasping for air and the sense that I will be alive tomorrow and that everything will be okay
When it won't
The voices in my head are cruel
They like to scream “I hate you
You stupid blinded fool
Seriously you clearly can't even tell what your putting yourself though
Agh.. you disgust me with you hopes and lies”
I say its all right there just open your eyes
But nothing has change
these nightmares are real
This pain feels so surreal
I let you manipulate me and give you what you want
Shame on me and my heart
They've racked it all even if it wasn't much
Can't I realize that I'm killing myself and ruining my life
With non-thoughtful heart filled choices
I played myself
And believed in my heart
Even when I knew it would be all torn up