First Steps Poem by Khumo Mhlanga

You attract what you think about...
So I attracted it?
Death, depression, hopelessness, helplessness
How to undo it
Would I even recognize the Light if I saw Him -
What would I say?

So unworthy!
How do I connect head to heart?
When will I be filled with the abundance of goodness so I can impregnate the world with it?

The dream is aching to get out -
Bruising my insides with its kicks & punches...
Am I killing destiny?
Drowning...darkness
How many hands needed to turn the light on?
His have holes in them
Blood & water down His side
Won't rescuing me hurt Him?
But His pain is my fault -
MY pain.

When I attracted it, I attracted Him: it to Him
Death, depression, hopelessness, helplessness
Him to me: Life - over & over again; Never-ending
But THIS life?
I can't do this again.
Something better -
Him to me.