Drift Me Off To Sleep Poem by Brandon McConnell

I drive
My hands tremble
The wheel shakes between my sweaty palms and lifeless fingers
Pressure in my head builds
I clench my teeth for a moment before another cry forces its way from my suffocating lungs
   Into this silence among all the noise
   Into this void
   Into this lonely cage of metal, glass, and gasoline
I recount my actions
I recount my thoughts
And in the midst of all this mess
I think of—

I regret
   How was I to know
   How can we overcome this
   I want to
   I want to resolve everything, but it is not in my hands
   The only person who can move now is—

I wonder
   If somewhere in this slice of surreality
      You feel this too
      That somewhere else tears stain your cheeks like they do mine
      Though I would never wish this hellish thing on you
      For I have only ever loved you and wished you the best in all of life
   Shall you live wholly as I walk in part
      For a larger part of me will always walk with you
   Is this impasse too deep to overcome
      All seemed right, even after our end
      Where did we go wrong
      Where do we go from here
   Do we forfeit all
      Do we leave behind a love so transcendent
         It was more real than life itself and I would leave life to chase it
         It is enough to sustain life
   What is life without—

I crave a simple life and a simple love
   Where all that matters is that we are
   The rest we can figure out
   Just me and—

I close my eyes tight
My head aches
The tears continue flooding out
I am strong but now made so weak
I struggle to open my eyes
As I do, the traffic lights become an array of watercolor webs
   Through my kaleidoscope of tears
It is too much for even I to comprehend in my own humanity
This pain speaks a million thoughts
   And a million more memories that demand to be relived all at once
   It is trying to glimpse the whole of one's life, mind, and heart in a single moment
   It crushes me
I'm tired
My hand begins to slip
   And these tires of mine and of my cage
   Drift me off to sleep once more
The worries disappear
The nightmare ends
And these blurry lights and loud noises all seem to me white noise
   As they welcome me into a lasting dream I will live in forever
   Life with— was better than any dream
      But a dream with— is far better than any reality without—

You