Dracula's Family Life, An Intimate Picture Poem by David McLansky

Grim of eye,
Sharp of tooth,
Dead he lies,
Eternal youth.

His third wife,
Veronica,
Who he met one night
On Channuka,
Whisper hoarsely,
'Vlad, get up!
I put fresh blood
In your cup.'

Vlad, just groaned
Turned to his right,
'It is still day,
It's not yet night,
Just let me sleep
A little longer.
We'll make love
When I am
Stronger.'

'It's not for me,
You sexless cad,
And I thought once
You were so bad.
There's someone
Knocking on the door.
Don't go back to sleep!
Don't you snore.'

Vlad closed his eyes,
Snuggled in his coffin,
With such a young wife,
He didn't get to sleep too often.
But his wife complained
And so he rose,
And stood before
The mirror posed.

'How do I look?
Oh nagging wife;
To think that I gave you
Eternal Life!
I must have been completely out of my mind!
Or terribly thirsty at the time.
I know, I know,
'Get the door, '
Latvian women
Are such a chore,
I should have chose
That Polish bride,
But they're too salty,
Ham on rye! '

'Vlad, I didn't mean
To scold,
But your fresh blood
Is getting cold;
And maybe later,
If you're free,
We could play
Beat the Bat
Like we did at Disney.'

Dracula reflected
Looked round the room,
He saw no cobwebs,
In the gloom,
'Veronica!
You've been cleaning again!
Spread some dust,
I'll count to ten! '

Veronica grabbed the broom
And pushed some dust
Around the room,
'You should have married
That Polish tramp,
I bet she likes it
Foul and damp..
Oh really must you
Be such a bore.
I know, I know,
Get the door.'