*diary Man Poem by A Waltz For Zizi

1
I'm no one.

2
To her, I'm the boy that ripped
the hands of her dolls, because
he thought they'd grow back
more beautiful. They never did.
Her parents hated me, so
I hated them too, when I was little.
Now I don't care anymore. I have dreams.

3
I dream of a naked girl wearing her face.
I'm not a psychopath, I just never saw her
naked.

4
I dream of a naked girl, but
I have forgotten how to make love,
how to compete with others at making love.

5
Others make puddles on her belly,
white puddles, and I write about them.
I'm not proud of myself, but they are
proud of themselves.
I'm proud of her. She knows what she wants,
even though she says she doesn't.

6
I don't know how to show her a cold shoulder.
I try to look dead, to stop breathing
when she's around, but she knows me too well.
I shouldn't have told her some things.
I told her too many things. She regrets
I didn't tell her more. She even knows
I write poems about her.

7
One day she closed her eyes and told me
to kiss her. Nothing happened.
I just stared at her.
She moved on.

8
His name is Ralph. I never met him,
but she tells me stories about him,
how he lasts forty minutes, and
all the positions they have tried.

9
When I go to bed, I usually think
about the ways I'd kill him
if I were a psychopath. I'm not
a psychopath. I'm just jealous.
It's what my psychiatrist tells me.
She doesn't know I go to a psychiatrist.

10
I've stopped telling her things.
She didn't. She said that last week
she had three orgasms and did it
five times, all in one night.
Then she tells me she fell in love
with me. Nothing surprises me anymore.
Well, maybe if I'd win the lottery,
because I don't buy lottery tickets.
I guess everybody would be surprised then,
even Ralph.

11
She tells me the two other names of Ralph.
It's Waldo Emerson. I tell her
I'm not surprised. She doesn't believe me.
She is right. I was surprised.

12
We haven't kissed yet. My psychiatrist laughs
when I tell him.
He tells me to kiss her. He thinks she loves me.
I know she loves me. She told me and I told him.

13
She says to close my eyes, so I close my eyes.
Her kiss makes ripples on my lips, skin,
all the way inside. I'm a lake she keeps
throwing stones in. I'm a bottomless lake
and she has a mountain of rocks.