Common Cold Poem by Ogden Nash

Common Cold

Rating: 3.3


Go hang yourself, you old M.D.!
You shall not sneer at me.
Pick up your hat and stethoscope,
Go wash your mouth with laundry soap;
I contemplate a joy exquisite
I'm not paying you for your visit.
I did not call you to be told
My malady is a common cold.

By pounding brow and swollen lip;
By fever's hot and scaly grip;
By those two red redundant eyes
That weep like woeful April skies;
By racking snuffle, snort, and sniff;
By handkerchief after handkerchief;
This cold you wave away as naught
Is the damnedest cold man ever caught!

Give ear, you scientific fossil!
Here is the genuine Cold Colossal;
The Cold of which researchers dream,
The Perfect Cold, the Cold Supreme.
This honored system humbly holds
The Super-cold to end all colds;
The Cold Crusading for Democracy;
The Führer of the Streptococcracy.

Bacilli swarm within my portals
Such as were ne'er conceived by mortals,
But bred by scientists wise and hoary
In some Olympic laboratory;
Bacteria as large as mice,
With feet of fire and heads of ice
Who never interrupt for slumber
Their stamping elephantine rumba.

A common cold, gadzooks, forsooth!
Ah, yes. And Lincoln was jostled by Booth;
Don Juan was a budding gallant,
And Shakespeare's plays show signs of talent;
The Arctic winter is fairly coolish,
And your diagnosis is fairly foolish.
Oh what a derision history holds
For the man who belittled the Cold of Colds!

COMMENTS OF THE POEM
Jimmy Wrangler 07 December 2007

Only a talent like Ogden Nash could make a cold funny. This guy is my all time favourite.

16 5 Reply
Mitch King 16 June 2009

humor while keeping pace and flow, amazing

14 6 Reply
The Banana Republican 24 April 2006

ogden nash is the steve colbert of poetry,

5 14 Reply
Margaret O Driscoll 15 February 2016

Very funny piece on the common cold! !

7 3 Reply
Tom Allport 15 December 2016

sounds like that was the cold to end all colds

6 2 Reply
Dr Antony Theodore 14 December 2020

Pick up your hat and stethoscope, Go wash your mouth with laundry soap; I contemplate a joy exquisite I'm not paying you for your visit. I did not call you to be told My malady is a common cold. sarcastic. tony

0 0 Reply
Dan Millar 05 October 2020

Beat performed like you have a bunged up nose

0 0 Reply
Nicole Settimi 01 April 2019

'The Cold Crusading for Democracy; The Führer of the Streptococcracy. ' - This is a sort of fun, but dry, witty piece. I like the humour. The lines above had me. it's definitely a " unique" write, so I say 10. Xx NDS

2 0 Reply
Britte Ninad 12 August 2018

interesting - My malady is a common cold.

2 3 Reply
Mountain Man 10 March 2017

And need he say more. Right to the point...

5 3 Reply
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Ogden Nash

Ogden Nash

New York / United States
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