Coffee House Poem by Chris Meek

I went into a coffee house for a quick cup

As you do,

Unaware of the palaver about to ensue.

Panic set in when I opened the door

Because the coffee being served I'd not heard

of before.

Now I didn't want to look foolish and turn -

tail and run,

But by joining the queue my ordeal

had begun.

The lady there serving asked well what will it be,

I thought it would be easier if I just asked for tea.

But I was now committed to this intrepid quest,

So I enquired well what do you think

would be best?

Well the look she gave suggested she was

talking to a prune

And that I'd be better off down at the

Old Greasy Spoon.

She said well you've obviously not been to a coffee house of late

You'd probably more at home with Camp and Coffee Mate.

Then she glared at me and asked it that superior tone

In what country would like your coffee

To have been grown.

Well, I tried to look intelligent and said

Columbia, the Siberian Waste

I really not bothered as long as it's got taste

She then enquired if I'd like Fair Trade or a Proprietary brand

I said what's the difference I don't quite understand

Well one is grown in places where the profits they all share

The other grown in places, where they simply just don't care.

Then I said, I'm confused that's the way it is

I've come in for a coffee not a flippin pub quiz.

"look I'll make it easy for you she said in her superior voice

I'll read the selection and you make your choice

Well I didn't have a clue for which coffee to ask

And I was beginning to wish I'd just brought a flask.

Well she said we've got black coffee, Irish and Cafe o lait

Dry Cappuccino with a fine chocolate spray

Conpanna, expresso and best hammer head

With enough caffeine in it to animate the dead.

Distreta and Melya and Kopi Tobnuk,

And there's one or two others now lets

Have a look.

There's Breva and frappe and also de - cafe,

Now that's when I thought your having a laugh.

Cafe' Macchiats, Indian filter and double-shot,

Oleng and skinny latte' and I think that's the lot

Well just when I thought my ordeal was over that was all

She asked if I wanted large, medium or small.

Well I went for some concoction that came with a chocolate dip

And the froth on the top stuck to my nose and top lip

Well I'd really had enough by then I thought this place is just a joke

Next time I come in I'll just have a coke.