Child Of The Winter Poem by Bonnie Shipman

Hi Bonnie, First things first, I love the name of the piece. Just that name alone grabs at the reader and creates a desire to read the poem. I love the concept of winter and its playfullness emmulating through the life of a child. I do believe quite often it is the child in us all that sees life in its simplicity and its beauty. This is evident in this section: 'I am a child of the winter(personification of the narrarator; 1st person) (A) The shiver of the leaves(from this section on the poem describes what a child of winter sees from point A to point D) (B) The dancing of the grass (C) The sparkle of the droplets (D) Gathered on the branches' A few words of advice. I would break the poem up and use each stanza as a new source for inspiration and descriptive phrase use. For instance, when you describe that you are a child of the winter, you should create a stanza break there and use the description of such as a 2nd stanza. Why? Simple. The second stanza would become more powerful, and would act as a still life. This still life would then polaroid the reader a perfect description of winter. Second, edit the piece a bit. There are too many 'the' in the work. What 'the' does is good and bad. 'The' acts as a stimulator of power for a certain line or stanza. You begin by embodying what it is you want to say with a 'the', and then describe from that point forward.'The' is nothing but the initiation into what is meant to be said and understood. When you begin so many lines with 'the' the reader feels as if you have not described winter enough; Though I believe you have. Below you will see a recommendation for the 2nd stanza: Shivering of leaves dance on the grass- Sparkling droplets gathering on branches Not only does the stanza above simplify the work, but it flows much better and takes your descriptive phrasings and shines a light upon them. Hope this helped!