Child Of Mine Poem by The Poet Darkling

I denied his existence from my first missed period to my last labor pain, as if pretending that the baby kicking inside my belly was merely indigestion would actually make it so. However, it soon became very apparent that I was heavy with child and it wasn't long after that he made his way, kicking and screaming, into the world.

He was torn from my belly by emergency cesarean on June 29th,1997, after blatantly refusing the normal route. He had a head full of black curly hair and eyes the color of the deepest ocean blue. At least that's what I was told. I couldn't bear to look at him…not at first.

Hush little baby, don't say a word
Mama's gonna buy you a mocking bird…


I named him James John, although officially, I never named him at all. In fact, ‘officially' he was still born, although nothing could be further from the truth. That was just the lie I told my family to avoid the painful facts of the matter, that I had been gang raped by two black men, became pregnant and chose to put him up for adoption.

The social worker came to see me in my hospital room, and had left me with ten or so files of hopeful adoptive parents for me to choose from. They all seemed very nice, with their big houses, their fancy jobs and perfect smiles. I glanced at them; an older couple; a young couple; a mixed couple; a white couple; a black couple; a gay couple; a professional couple; a 'Leave it to Beaver' couple…

And if that mockingbird don't sing,
Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring…


They were all very different, but they all had one thing in common; 'Unable to conceive' was stamped on every one of them. I thought about the irony of so many capable and willing people being unable to conceive, where I, a penniless, homeless and unmarried woman can get pregnant with no trouble at all.

I stared blankly at the pile of manila folders. I had no idea exactly what I was looking for. Surely any one of the couples here would be wonderful parents, how was I to choose? So I prayed for God to let me know when I saw them, and he did. After hours of carefully reading each and every file, I picked up the second to last file, and there they were.

And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass…


The man was tall, dark and handsome and had kind eyes. I seem to recall he worked for NASA, but that could just be my mind filling in the blanks. It wasn't him who caught my eye, though…it was her. She was beautiful, with very similar features to me, only more refined, polished. She had lovely flaxen hair and a fair complexion, and her bright blue eyes jumped out of the photo and screamed at me, 'ME! PICK ME! ' They were gentle, happy eyes that looked as if they had never known any sadness except the sorrow of being barren. They were familiar. They were the eyes of a mother.

The next morning, I rang for the nurse. 'Yes? ' came her static reply. 'I would like to see my baby now'. My baby…my baby…but he wasn't, was he? He was hers. She brought him to me after a few minutes and placed him gently in my arms. She gave me a look that asked, 'Have you decided to keep him? ', but I ignored her. I waited until she left before I finally looked at him.

And if that looking glass gets broke,
Mama's gonna buy you a Billy goat…


He had skin the color of light milk chocolate and tiny ringlets of curly, jet-black hair framing his cherubic face. I counted his fingers and his toes. I brought him to my face and inhaled his fresh, clean scent. I breathed him in. He was so tiny, so perfect. He opened his eyes then and stared straight at me. We sat like that for a while, just staring at each other. He had her eyes. I then placed him back in the bassinet and rang for the nurse to take him away.

I never saw him again from that day to this, and although not one single day has passed that I haven't thought about James John, I know in my heart that I had chosen correctly. He wasn't my child at all, he never was. I only had the distinct and precious honor of carrying him for her.

And if that Billy goat doesn't pull,
Mama's gonna buy you a cart and bull…