A Love Which Should Not Have Been Poem by Andrew Rainford

In the midsummer of life you came to me,
Green and innocent in your blossoming,
To argue whether Marion or Willow was your hue,
And so began the trickling fall which launched the avalanche.

One quarter of a turn of the moon we talked,
And lived and laughed in our juvenility,
We looked at each other with mournful longing,
From which our Nexus was born, undying.

An unspoken warmth was born between us,
Neither sure how nor caring why,
A fierce loyalty arose like a subterranean demon,
A trust unswerving in an untrustworthy world.

Seven days of frivolity,
Of walks and sailings and heartfelt discourse,
And when your path sped you from me,
A shard of ice was lodged in my heart forever.

An eager correspondence ensued,
Without thought we exposed our feelings to one another,
As a blank page within a new journal,
And unwittingly became inertially bound.

Alas, time is fleeting as is the story of life,
We grew up apart in body and in heart for a time,
Unnumbered tears we shed over undeserving fools,
When each could have embraced the other.

The memory is bitter of years spent wasting,
Until a chance rendezvous gave us reason to renew,
But beneath my fair visage lay a haunted beast,
That returned the favour you gave on your Celtic visit.

You kindled life into the world,
Unlooked for and yet most welcome,
A beauty unique in her own right,
And your face was there in her’s.

In ignorance I spent working life,
Yet you were tangible to me by less than one score miles,
Who is more foolish?
The fool or the fool who follows him?

It is a bitter regret to me,
To have you so close and yet I was blinded by ignorance,
I muse on what we could have done,
And the hurts we could have helped heal.

In turmoil and uncertainty I removed,
To seek fortune in the brightness of Capita,
An unhappy gambler’s throw of the dice,
Which as yet has not been rewarded.

Unlooked for you came to me again,
One cold January in winter song,
And we talked and laughed as we had in childhood,
All seemed happy and well.

And yet awakened was the tension again,
Having long slumbered unthought-of,
A hint, no more, of forbidden love,
Unspoken and yet communicated between us.

Curiosity stirred; you reminded me,
Of the wry suggestion I made long years before,
It seemed perhaps less strange to you,
Even welcomed after many years of heartache.

At the thought my heart set to a great burning,
Consumed by a fire too heated for this Earth,
Desire the untamed creature fraught with a nagging doubt,
And I looked at you like no other of Eve’s children.

Eden I named you and aptly,
For you were, and are an image of perfection unattainable,
In looks and in mind a shining example,
For all and sundry to aspire to.

With words overpowering I spake you,
To tell thoughts long woven in the tapestry of my feeling,
To leave you breathless at the thought of a maybe,
A dilemma, for you and for us.

Again you came to me,
This time in fervour and impassioned,
And we gave in to fourteen years of dark thought,
In heart and in body completely.

That closeness we shared will accompany me,
On my journey through life and into shadow,
A light for me in dark places,
When all other lights go out.

But for you alas a confirmation,
A lack of key feeling despite closeness,
And withdrawn you became from me,
A voyage homeward with a heavy heart.

Torn by the yea, and pulled the nay,
You wrote your heart on the parchment,
To do or to not, to submit or ignore,
All the while my ignorance waxing unchecked.

To you I travelled in wilful benightedness,
You in dread at the feeling inside you,
To do as you knew was right to,
And shatter my heart for the greater good.

This train of purity derailed we embraced,
But a shadow entered into me,
An empty void whence none should venture,
Filled with the sum of all known sorrows and grief.

But redemption came swiftly,
My thoughts turned to friendship and consanguinity,
More meaningful than any physical accord,
And its thought kindled a warm feeling inside me.

For each of us is the other,
In thought and in mind,
To have another so alike in the world,
Is a rarity sought by many yet found by few.

A common belief of morality enshrines it,
And binds us yet closer in spirit,
To Eve the art of our craft,
And embracing our Celtic lineage.

A possibility is born therefore,
In which our connection may be nurtured,
With no confusing thought of more,
A chance to enjoy life more than the recent past.

Yet your thoughts fly apart,
Your feelings uncertain in the aftermath,
Again it appears we stand at a crossroad,
And yet this time I cannot influence any direction.

Wherefore go us now?
Do we return to the mutual non-existence of yesteryear?
And keep one another in fond memory only,
Or embrace this friendship for what it can be.

If the first instance prevails know this:
You will live within me for all time,
I will exist to you as a silent guardian to keep watch,
And to treat others as they treat you.

And so I will leave you for a time,
To gather your thoughts and feelings,
And if ready, please return to me,
In the knowledge that I love you and it is enough that you know.

The years may roll beneath us,
And time will ravage our visage,
But always to me you will be Eden,
A candle shining out in the deep night.

At the end of all things I will await you,
And will meet you there without question,
Once more we will enjoy our unspoken discourse,
And have happiness for a time unbridledn ere death take us.