A Dreadful Experience Poem by Peter Rogerson

Charles Jerome's Dreadful Experience

The Honourable Charles Jerome
Resided in a Stately Home
And when he had to use the loo
No ordinary pot would do

His father had at great expense
Installed a vast convenience
Which had a marble entrance hall
Adjacent to his bedroom wall.

To reach the toilet was a stair
Quite suitable for son and heir
With seven steps all carpet clad
By George! He was a lucky lad

If wiping bottoms was an issue
He'd fourteen types of toilet tissue
The toilet flush was also grand
A golden chain quite close at hand

In case his visit was protracted
T'was felt that Charles should be distracted
So crayons and a drawing board
Were there to stop him being bored.

And though the child was only three
He learned to climb the steps to wee
And when his aim was good and true
He was left alone to use the loo.

Above the toilet was a shelf
Too high for Charles to reach himself
On which were placed the pills and potions
Used to regulate his motions.

Now normally the child was good
Behaving as a young lord should
But all those coloured bottles had
Aroused the interest of the lad

His parents said 'You must not go
Up there - it is not safe you know.
You must keep out until you're older.'
This only served to make him bolder.

One summer's day when Charles's Nanny
Was visiting her aged Granny
The boy was briefly left alone
Whilst Mother used the telephone.

Immediately the child was free
To seize the opportunity.
He climbed upon the toilet seat
A gaping hole beneath his feet


Around the shelf he got a grip
But then his hands began to slip
And as his fingers slipped again
He desperately grabbed the chain

The weight of Charles was just enough
To make the toilet cistern flush
And as the torrent dragged him down
He screamed 'I think I'm going to drown'.

As he was dragged towards the drain
He shouted, yelled and screamed again
His cries aroused the upstairs maid
Who quickly hastened to his aid

She stopped the boy going down the hole
And pulled him gently from the bowl
And as he lay upon the floor
His Mother came in through the door

He struggled to his feet again
And hung his head in lordly shame
Expecting punishment and worse
For openly defying Nurse.

And as he stood there quite dejected
His Ma's next move was unexpected
She summoned all the downstairs staff
And brought them in to have a laugh

For years he had to bear the shame
Of when the servants said his name
'It's Little Charles the Water Hog
Who likes to bathe inside the Bog'

The boy resolved that now he would
Be very very very good.
He knows being disobedient
Can never be expedient.