Spik Nae Evil (20 Scots Poems) Poem by Sheena Blackhall

1. The Puddock

The puddock hunkers on his hurdies
Sittin on his dowp.
Foo dis he traivel through the toun?
Lowp! Lowp! Lowp!


2.Pru the Coo

Pru the Coo
Wi a great muckle moo
Said, 'I wish I cud loup Like a kangaroo! '

The magic stars
On a wishin tree.
Granted her wish richt speedily,
An noo she stots
Like a trampoline,
Pro the Coo
Gaun ower the meen.


3.Jumbo

The jumbo's snoot's
A watterspoot.
It is a jungle shouer.
He sooks a puddle up wi it
Syne sktyes it up an ower
His back, his wame,
His lugs, his heid,
Till he is tickety-boo.
And then he sooks a burnie up
An coups it doon his mou.


4.Peter Percy Penguin

Peter Percy Penguin
Plyters roon his pen
Stravaigin roon his paiddlin pool
Up an doon again.
Naethin in his noddle
Bit jist ae single wish
Green an weet an sealey ¬
Fish! Fish! Fish!


5. Kung-Fu Chukken

Dinna think cause I am wee
Ye can takk the len o me!

Kung-Fu Chukken is ma name
Wi a roose as reid's ma caimb

I can fecht an skelp an kick
Doos an spurgies...rin hame quick!


6.Hoolet

Hoolet bides in an auld aik tree
Aathin that moves can hoolet see.
His een are sherp an his neb can catch
Moosies that move in his leafy patch.
Rin, rin, moosie, he's comin noo ¬
Can ye hear him cryin
Tu-whit-tu-woo?


7.Cupid

Wee Jennie Wren luvs wee Cock Robin¬
I saw their names on an auld aik tree.
Bit fit she disna ken, is that Wee Cock Robin
Has gien his hairt tae Miss Valla Yeitie.

He's nae chunce, fur Miss Valle Yeitie
Luvs Peesie-wheep ower the lang green lea.
Bit, sad tae tell, Peesie-wheep luvs Spurgie,
Spurgie luvs a Doo an the Doo luvs me!


8.Crocodile
Crocodile, crocodile, Open yer mou.
I am a dentist,
Yer teeth I maun pu.
I ken they are dirlin,
I ken they are sair ¬
Nae toffee or chocolate
For ye onymair.


9.Hilda the Hippo

Hilda the Hippo wis hefty
Wi thighs like the legs 0 a brig
An the monkeys fell affo their perches
Fin Hilda attempted a jig

Her six double chins war like jeely
Her belly the wecht 0 a train
Fin an earthquake dug holes in the jungle
Fowk said, 'Hilda's bin dauncin again.'

Bit noo, she's enrolled for aerobics,
Plays squash an is fit as a flee;
She jogs roon the watterhog's mudbath
An dis twenty press-ups afore tea.

She nivver etts chocs or fish suppers
Bit a bittie 0 fruit or lean meat,
Fur Hilda the Hippo wad tell ye
Watch oot -for ye are fit ye eat!

10. Yasmin theYowe

Yasmin the yowe frae Hindustan
Can birl a hula-hoop roon a cweet;
Can staun on ae leg, furl a plate in her haun¬
Ifye dinna believe me, come an see't!

Fa says yowes are as thick as mince?
Her IQ is a hunner an ten.
Wi a Harvard degree an a PhD
In animal husbandry, didn't ye ken?

Yasmin the Yowe frae Hindustan
Is gey peely-wally. She's weirin awa...
We've nae conversation tae gie her a heeze
The only wird that she hears is baa.


11.Rhona Rhinoceros

Fin Rhona Rhinoceros faas asleep
Oh fit dis she dream aboot?
She dreams 0 gaun tae a carnival
An wallopin doon the chute!

She dreams 0 swingin sae heich, sae heich,
Her horns can touch the stars,
An whyles she dreams, in a rocket ship
She turns richt fur Mars!

Fin Rhona Rhinoceros faas asleep
o far dis she wanner tae?
She veesits the muckle elephants
That waulk aboot Bombay.

And whyles she flees tae the Arctic lans.
Far the penguins merch in pairs,
An thegither they slide doon braes 0 ice
Like bairns doon the bannisters!


12.The Dinosaur

A dinosaur! A dinosaur!
We nivver saw the like afore!
The Beastie makks the bairnies roar
Frae Sumburgh tae Singapore!

A dinosaur! His muckle moo
Has teeth as lang as knives,
An fin he roars, the tabby
Losses aa its seeven lives!

A dinosaur! His ilkie snore
Caas continents ajee.
An fin he piddles lochs arise
As braid's the Irish Sea.

A dinosaur! Fit dis he ett?
A herd 0 coos fur tea!
He sweels it doon wi a lagoon
o vats 0 barley bree.

A dinosaur! His heid's amang
The aeroplanes an stars.
His legs are pylons, tail's as lang's
A traffic jam 0 cars.

A dinosaur's a fearsome breet
Fin it lies doon tae claw ¬
Bit fin it daunces, hae a care ¬
Skyscrapers stert tae faa!


13.The Monster's Plea

Far div TV monsters ging
Fin their programme's endit?
Eence I wis a TV star,
Ma series wis suspendit.

If ye tak me hame wi ye
I wad think it braw
I wad fleg the bogie-men
An burglars• fur yer Ma!


14.Castle Creepie

Creep by Castle Creepie
Victor Vulture's there.
He bides wi thirteen vampires
An twa bogIes up a stair.

A skeleton's their toast rack
Fin they aa sit doon tae dine.
Creep by Castle Creepie
Fin the meen begins tae shine!

Creep by Castle Creepie
Victor Vulture keeps a bat
Far ye micht hae a goldfish
Or a purrin pussycat.

He's sherpenin his orra cleuks¬
I winner fa he'll grab?
Creep by Castle Creepie
Or it micht be you he'll nab!


15.Winnie Widdershins the Witch

Winnie Widdershins the witch
Is bidin at Bieldside:
Dinna look oot for a besom
It's a hoover that she'll ride,
For Winnie Widdershins the witch Is modern as can be.
Nae a cauldron, bit a microwave
For makkin spells, ye see.
An her list 0 magic potions
Isnae keepit in a buik ¬
They're on file in her computer
If ye jist ken far tae luik.

Winnie Widdershins the witch
E-mails her faithfu• cat
Tae hurl upon the hoover
Like a supersonic bat
Doon tae Asda fur her eerins
Fin her larder's nearly teem ¬
An fur speecial treats she feeds it
Kipper fillets an ice cream.

Winnie Widdershins the witch
Is only seen at nicht,
On the scraun fur mair computer games
Sae keep yours oot a sicht!

16. Dentist

Open wide! Fit a view!
Waur nor lookin doon a bug's H.Q.
This set 0 teeth's like extinct volcanoes,
Aa the hues 0 a palettefu 0 rainbows,
Chocolate, aniseed, peppermint, bananas,
Mair dirt here than a mole's pyjamas.

Drill oot the cavity. Pulverise the brute.
Switch on the stereo. Droon the skirls oot.
Hurra fur the ile boom. He needs teeth fa dines.
Come in, Sheikh Abdullah. Bring yer concubines.
Fin we clean yer canines, we makk sure they shines!
Fa'd be a dentist? Waur nor settin mines!


17. Baa

Een, twa, three a leerie
I spied Bella Peerie
Sittin on her bumblebeerie
Eatin jeelie babies

Stot, stot, stot, stot,
Dunt the baa against the waa.
Stot, stot, stot, stot.
Can ye catch it? Will it faa?

Maisie's baa is wee an roon
Frae a shoppie in the toon.
It is strippit reid an broon
See it stottin up an doon.

Jamie's baa is big an dubby
Fit game's it fur? Fitbaa? Rugby?
Dunt it wi yer heid, yer feet,
Playin fitba in the street


18.Girny Geordie Buchan

Girny Geordie Buchan
Fegs! He's aye nae weeL
Whyles it's teethache, whyles a hoast
Tae keep him aff the skweel.

Girny Geordie Buchan,
Whyles his belly's sair ¬
Whyles his heid is dirlin
Sae he canna caimb his hair.

Foo could fowk expeck him
Tae wirk, an him nae weel?
I think Geordie Buchan
Isna sic a feel!

I think Geordie Buchan
Isna seek ava.
I've seen him getting sweeties
An comics frae his ma.

'Peer Geordie's ailin, '
She says, bit we aa ken ¬
Geordie Buchan's anely
Plunkin skweel again!


19.The Competitor

Ma hauns are skyty wi sweat the day
I've practised this poem for wikks.
Ma hair's bin caimed and ma teeth are clean,
Noo I hodge while the wifie spikks.

She's sayin she's affa pleased tae see
We ken oor Scots sae weel.
An Grunny says it's a gey queer warld ¬
She wis skelped fur't at the skweel.

There's poems aboot trainies that ging toot-toot
An budgies ye keep in a cage.
I'm watchin the hauns o the clock gyang roon
I'm the next een up on stage.

Takk a big deep braith an think fin it's deen
o the penny I'm getting frae Da.
An oh, gin I wun yon siller dish
Oh, wadn't it nae be braw?

It's my shot noo...aa the fowk are quate
As I cheep oot ma wee story.
Even a littlin, aabody kens,
Can hae twa meenits 0 glory


20. Snake
The snake is ae lang thrapple
He slidders on his belly.
The anely place I like him
Is safe inside the telly.