Something Like A Catharsis Poem by Cris Ben

I know I may be illogical sometimes
especially when superfluous emotions start to well out of my heart.
I become romantic, ecstatic, doubtful, cynic, less esteemed, sensitive, vulnerable...
...like a child full of joyful dreams from the all day's play;
unwavering hopes from that small pure soul gleaming in his eyes;
that sweet gift of innocence he majestically holds-
...yet like a child, i cry as soon as pain from bumps, scrapes and cuts
leave a sting in my youthful naive heart
and forever daunted as failure, fear and sorrow anchor themselves in my ocean of time- and yet, I am no longer a child.

I know I can no longer be a child so I set sail again and again for that voyage of love
whenever I see bright blue skies filled and pressed with clouds etherial
after a heavenly warfare of lightning and tempest.
Yes, I try over and over and yet again I sail back to the same spot of that sea
drenched in my own tears, silent, forlorn, forced-content in that lonely zen.
My soul, like a sailor, has full of adventures to tell but my heart slumbers
under these waters abysmal, frigid, oblivious-

This sailor has had his fair share of frolicking he deems easy to reach-
Of booze, of frantic nights wasted in the streets, of dancing and singing
to loud beats and screaming as a ritual for that one time therapeutic sex,
of shopping bags from here to there
and even of silent sanctuaries of cafés, lakes and hills-
This sailor's insatiable craving just never ends! Empty!
Love and only love surely is the cure
But he is a kid who also dreads shots and pills,
he is a junkie who just can't get enough,
he is a dummy stuck in this lethargic flow of knowledge and wisdom,
and above all, he is a man
who fears the essence of being human-

Enough of the sailor metaphor when clearly you know it is me all along.
...so let me purge this recent sorrow and regret I got from the moment
I played oracle and tactician which eventually
resulted to deleting You on that list.
Yes, you who meant nothing but like any other coincidental random someone in my life that I eyed for that night when I had my heart and life bleeding from a fresh breakup. And the jest and sly thoughts my mind toyed made my fingers gently travel to those parts you are sensitive about, followed by my hungry arms sizing your fiddle-like body up, my nose next to your nape and hair bathed in last night's fun, i knew you heard every inhale and exhale i made like i was sniffing a scent so fragrant the first time...and you halted me when I was about to turn to that sexual beast drowned in the frenzy of tasting and devouring you.
And that was all right, I guessed...because you knocked some sense into me.
So same bed, same sheets, same darkness and air we shared.
I knew each brain cel in both of our heads were busy analysing, reckoning, nerds overthinking, as our hearts would race each other to the ends of the world and just fall.. And i guess I was a better runner after all. I fell first.

That other gemini came out of me singing songs of love everyday, writing love poems at night... As usual I couldn't stop until I get reminded again what hurt and sadness are all about...

I realised that I have my life and dream to build now and I see the future brightly.
My love has grown dangerously now that both I might consume and squander to naught from every crazy thought of you. I love you a lot now that it hurts so much too. I climbed the temples, burnt incenses, tossed coins to altars and idols and you were there in every intention my heart prayed for alongside with myself, family and friends. So I know you will be better, you will be happy if not with me at least with reasons greater than me. It hurts but I have started to open my hands to let go and soon I hope my heart does so.

Your friend told me you hate me and you don't want to see me ever again.
It is fine. I understand because your hate doesn't amount to the hate I have for myself now.
I have to be a man and take responsibility of the consequences of everything i do and say. I am on a bus trip home while scribbling this poem. As I am taken back to reality, may I find peace in the midst of busy work schedules, social life and especially in those quiet times in between...
I will leave the sequel of our whirlwind love story now to any gods there be.
Surely, I will be better and sane the moment you tell you felt the same thing about that memory of once upon a night i put your head to rest on my arm
while i was not wondering of anything about what you were wondering.Importantly, it just felt good and it just felt right. And that is all there is to it. For now, good-bye.