Sick Inside Poem by Jeffrey Mitchell

God, I feel like my heart is under attack, someone is draining the love that I once felt. I understand the tugging at my emotions, but a feeling of loss has come upon me. My comfort is under attack, aware of my situation and change is inevitable, if I want to have a future. Lead me Abba, that I may heal my heart as I journey with you, while dealing with a loss. I know that it's my own fault, because I shared a love with another's heart, outside of wedlock, and your blessings. How is it that I can be so intoxicant with a love of a woman, when you know that she is not right for me, if I knew me like you knew me that could have made a difference in choosing a woman? Can it be that her beauty is so intoxicating that I see only what I wanted to see? Not paying attention to what she does or say, so I looked the other way for as long I could. Intoxicated by her love and wanting to be with her. So the vision of her through my eyes, I would not see that she was not the one for me. Help? Because I am not able to see what you see, my God, her beauty is a distraction; it covers what she does, not allowing me to see that we were not meant to be. How I justified the things that irritated me, because she would stay a night or two, another shot of her love intoxicated me, now hoping that she can be who God would choose for me. What does it take for me to see, that choosing a woman, seem to be something I can't get right, and time after time the choices I made were from the lust of my flesh? I never take the time to see her as a friend, or who she is by just talking with her. Why does my predator instinct take over me? I can honestly say today, I need to change the way I look at women. If I want to find a woman that can make me say I fell in love with you for who you are, and not what I see. Is there still hope for me? Can I change my predator ways? Sometime I would be just talking trying to be a gentleman and say the right things, while staying away from words that would turn my predator instincts on, and making me start prowling looking for a weakness, or a sign that their lurks a lustful spirit on her. Why does intimacy come before marriage in my life? Why can't I wait till I get married before I have sex? Abba, I need to find a way to see your beautiful daughters differently than how I see them now, my way is defiantly not your way, and how I look at them. I am entering the fall season of life, and I do not want to spend winter alone. I need your help to enlighten me on how to go about having a meaningful relationship with your daughters. I am asking that you teach me to become a kingdom son, that I may marry a kingdom daughter of yours.