Should I? Poem by Melissa Joy Chesky

It's just too risky.
Should I tell you my past?
The odds of you leaving
are too great from me to conceive.
Should I?
Should I believe you
when you say you won't flee?
You have the right
As my cherished friend
to know of my wounds, my scars.
But you are so much MORE than that.
Can't you see?
Should I tell you that I would
most likely
break to pieces if you turned your back?
Should I keep these thoughts
bottled and muted from your ears?
I don't want to hold back,
but the risk
the risk of you leaving
of me breaking
are all too great.
I would be stupid to let you
walk free through my memories
through my heart and soul.
Should I, anyway?
Will you believe me?
Should I tell you of the things
that make me unassured
of your kind presence?
Should I tell you of all the hate
thrown upon my shoulders?
Should I tell you of all the secrets
that I've kept muffled?
Should I tell you of the things
I've tried to suffocate -
the things I'm ashamed of -
the things that make me who I am today?
Should I tell you before Saturday?
Should I dropp the bomb
before we become closer
or after the fact?
I don't want to hear
your threats to my past offenders.
Should I let you curse them?
I don't want you to
put yourself out there to defend me.
Should I let you fight for my sake?
I don't want to hear
your apologies of the unchangeable.
Should I let you comfort me?
Should I let you whisper,
'It will be ok'?
Something said so many times before,
would it work if you said it?
Should I let everything go?
I don't know if it will leave me.
It still haunts me.
Can you see it in my eyes?
Are the ghosts lurking in the blue?
Should I tell you that the spirits
are the reason I drank so much?
I wanted to forget
I wanted to smother.
I wanted to ignite
the horrible movie memoir of my life,
turn memories to ash
have the past finally lay dead.
Should I tell you all of this?
This has woven my insides with knots.
I would surely cry.
Should I tell you?
Everything could change
for the worst
if it escapes my lips.
Should I tell you?
Should I tell you wh
I hate beaches?
Should I explain why I don't like
people to touch my hair?
Should I tell you why
I can't stand parks?
Should I explain why
I don't like some people's touch?
Should I tell you why the word
'vodka' makes me cringe?
Should I explain in depth
why I hate daytime?
Should I tell you why
my father and I don't see eye to eye?
I want to tell you,
I want you to know.
But, should I?