Reminicense Poem by Elizabeth Jordan Heinbuch

I fell asleep with your lovely name on my lonely lips. A sweet soft whispering into my folded fingertips. I could dream nothing better than this- holding you somewhere deep within the darkness.

All we were was a lie, where we stifled and strangled all of our batting butterflies. We were a flirting fanciful infatuation, dancing in our own immaculate imaginations. We were an ideal too good to be real, something we just never let ourselves feel. Still bathing in your beautiful brown eyes, recalling all of the secret ties- all of the time. I still remember everything; every resounding resemblance of all you've ever said to me.

I remember where we met, in breif blooming summer innocence, surrounded by a young audience we came to pretend to befriend. Our late lessons, over, but the melody of the strumming chords still linger and the imprints of strings still fresh upon our fleshy fingers. Sheltered togather, surrounded by shower pouring from storm clouds which devour a grey sky. It was several misty musty mornings before i knew your name but only several seconds before i knew of your isolated fame. And every year we kept coming just the same to the polaroid pictures we just forgot to frame. Walking on trails through trees where whimsical woodlen creatures sleep; we came to watch your tribal dance- caught in such a memerizing tricky trance.

Summer faded and all welcoming warmth evaded- i came to know you then for all you are and all you've been. Coming early to auditions for our ample positions in this disasterous play we've been given. In our costumes we've created and paraded to perfection, but still, our contemplated characters are a misconception. It's all a stage to us. The act and the lie the only things we can trust. But behind curtains tied there is something there we did hide- behind closed doors there's so much more.

Like our crowded room conversations, spilling over old philosophies and obligations as we sat on old molded furniature forgotten in a forbidden room; like a ceaseless silence sealed within an ancient burial tomb. So intently are our eyes connected in glimpses of understanding- the gaze- malignant and demanding. No, i couldn't turn away. So enthralled, so enchanted by everything you'd presented. It's the giggling whispers of two girls gossiping in the night and she's sorrowfully stammering- 'He likes you alright? ! '

It's the same blushing walk we're taking someday and you're handing me that small white flower boquet. We're warming by the window sill sleeping and i'm wondering what dream you're dreaming and i can't help but want to be so close even though the faithful answer is 'no.'

We're in the empty old house of our past where we made our ambiguous attraction last. We've been here before behind closed doors, creaking down half-lit hallways and gracefully descending down the old wooden staircase. It's the smell of ripe autumn apples warm and wafting on the breeze as we go to take our leave. sneaking away, breaking away into the bleak blurry day, the fury of the feirce wind blowing my breath away (but you already took mine- don't your realize?)
I can still hear the laughter and my heartbeat pounding faster in this jumping jack game we're after on the expanse of cold wet black. Called after play to display our humble art on plates, wrapped sloppily with colored cellophane. Stalking down shadows and seeking out patterns standing out in the rain.

You're standing only mere inches away and i'm trying to find all of the words to say but you wouldn't understand anyway... so nevermind. I couldn't have possibly said all it was that went through my head- but i tried. The letters all wrote themselves, i never lied about what i felt. I admit maybe i felt too much- but there is a difference between feel and touch.

Where are you in all of this? You left me in such a long awkward silence, no answers to confused violence. I just wanted closure- to tell you so you could tell me 'it's over.' But it's all the same cuz it never came.

I caught a glimpse of your grinning face; the burning brown eyes i still can't erase but it's okay. I don't want to. I want to remember this- i want to remember you. Staring at pictures posted on pixelated pages i'm still staring at after all of these ages. I didn't notice, i didn't know this: your effect on me. But remember every time yo ubreathe- everytime you bleed- smile knowing you were my fantasy.