Pulse And Possibility Poem by Will Thomas

'when by now and tree by leaf,
she laughed his joy, she cried his grief'
e.e.cummings

He was cinders,
dying embers
in the bruised-black, near-dawn chill.

He was a child's wintered hands,
mittenless,
crabbed,
crimson and cracked.

In the deepest
of all Decembers,
he was suicide's scholar,
furtively ordering a how-to-manual
from something-or-other.com
('Thanks for your order, Will.
Have a wonderful day! ')

Death's disciple:
car engine running
(too cleanly)
in a sealed off garage,
a Christmas Eve debacle
with leather belt and basement eaves,
a multi-colored party mix
of anti-depressants,
anti-anxieties,
and just a little something extra
for safe, effective sleep.

At one point,
he sobbed for 49 days in a row-
raw, ragged cries
from a place well beyond the reach
and calibration
of emotional cartography,
or the limited imagination
of medical alchemists.

A sorry shadow
in the parking lot of Target.
A lifeless hologram
at the prescription counter
of his local pharmacy.
The ghost of marriages past,
haunting the aisles of
Border's and Kroger's,
Barnes and Noble,
English Gardens.

He worked in the yard,
taught his students,
celebrated his children.

He drifted through art fairs,
carrying home dappled pieces
of someone else's soul
for his walls, for his gardens.

He set his alarm,
paid his bills on time,
refinanced his home,
and fed his cat.

He connected the dots.
He colored within the lines.
He hoped
for hope.

But now,
a late and unexpected spring,
the tiniest unfurling of green,
the first and fragile bud,
the pulse and possibility of blooms.

Forgive him his trespasses-
here, the unchecked exuberance,
kisses on a summered shoulder
in the shimmering August nighttime;
there, the artless dance of hesitation,
quiet tears, a shy and fumbling voice
seeking impossible assurances
and 100,000 mile guarantees.

But, look:
a specter,
now in the throes of labor,
assisted with wine, compassion,
and incandescent laughter
by a midwife of the soul.

Bear down.
Bear up.
Come back,
in a fond and foolish way,
to life.