Claudia Krizay (1/28/1956 / Washington DC)
My Own Special Heaven
Beyond the treetops
Beyond clouds and the sun
Beyond my most vivid dreams-
I once believed in heaven- while
Deeper than grassy fields,
Deeper than the tumultuous sea, and
Deeper than the ground upon which every step I had taken
I believed there was a hell beneath.
I fervently prayed to the god who lived in that safe and magnificent heaven
That appeared in all of my fondest dreams and
Who existed in the fortress of my most profound imagination-?
Between God and myself, I believed there was a uniquely exquisite bond-
I could sense a calling from that God so close to my heart, soul and spirit
To save the souls of the desperate. I could hear the voice of God
Speaking to me – I was one of the chosen.
Nightmares began one night, obliterating my dreams-
Voices from heaven were outnumbered by angry voices from hell-
People had become threatening enemies-
I became a lost spirit trapped inside the depths of a delusional world.
I recall the day when I was taken away and was locked inside
A sterile and empty chamber, screaming for help and for release
From madness and confusion- I myself had become a desperate soul.
With no hope for salvation.
Today, after many years of climbing an uphill path, still trying to regain my sanity,
I would search for closeness to nature’s gifts- wildflowers, trees and birds singing-
The song the birds sang, though dolorous at times- brought me some peace of mind.
If I could I would climb a ladder to the top of the tallest tree in the woodlands
With hope to find that heaven I once had so strongly believed in-
God would grant me salvation from the anguish that still tortures me deep inside-
But I know now that heaven is only a dream and dreams often never become reality-
Beyond highest treetops, the clouds, the sun and
The longest roads I could ever walk upon,
What awaits me I shall never know-?
I still hear voices from heaven but I have
Awakened from a lengthy sleep, and see further than that profound imagination-
I have heard a calling of a different sort- from a voice of my own spirit inside, to
To keep walking that longest road- to continue my journey down the path
No matter how long, but with hope at the end of this road there shall be
A gate I may unlock with a special key.
There I would open my eyes to see more trees, and wildflowers
Perhaps, but with the strength
To abandon past memories as I will have found my own special heaven-
The one that shall begin to exist inside the fortress of my own mind, soul and spirit-
With deliverance from the hell of madness, and the realization that
Dreams can tell a story, but those dreams don’t always come true.
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