It Means Falling Forever. Poem by Kaitlin Van Zile

we swallowed our pride with a teaspoon of grandma's ashes
she always swore we'd be something special one day
and with dirges weaving through our racing thoughts
we wrapped silk bedsheets around our throats
like a strand of pearls from mama's jewlery box

but this wasn't pretend
this was our brother sister bond
twin pulses pounding through guilty veins
four separate feet perched on bedposts

we always muddled up the words to nursery rhymes
staring up at mom with our wide eyes and star scape freckles
she called us her bluejays
how right she was
two birds of omen singing in the face of death

grandma always warned us not to jump on the bed
not to fall off and break our tail-ends.
she never said anything about jumping off
and suspending ourselves midflight forever

suicide means falling forever
falling in love
with the unfinished life
and that gap between mama's front teeth.


suicide means
one
two
three
jump