Instead I Wrote About You Poem by Mike Smith

I want to write something about it
For me

*The Seed*

This feeling
Or memory
Or hope
This confession of sorts
Whatever it is
I want to put it down for record
Though I don't think I'll soon forget it
How could I?
At the time it was more important to me than anything
You see, for years I had known
Known painfully that I wanted it
That connection
And for years I thought it simply out of grasp
Not within my ability (my luck?) to obtain
But then you re-emerged
And out of air it seemed
Poof, and there you were
But just being there didn't make you any more attainable
That took a little more time
More effort
More subtle hints
And, of course, that most powerful of allies
But eventually
Somehow
You were in reach
So I doubled, tripled even those efforts
And to my great delight
And much to my surprise
They were working
As I said before
I had gained a powerful ally
Suddenly, we were kind of in the thick of it
It was actually happening
My chance had been presented before me
And like an expert gardener tends to the last surviving seed
I did all in my power to give us every chance to grow
To me it was like magic
As if I'd literally willed this improbable chance into existence
Everyday getting better than the last
It had happened
I had, in the slimmest of all odds, won you over
In the one and only chance that had ever been presented, I had managed what I'd thought to be impossible
It was young
Infant like
And still in need of months and months of nurture
But I had managed to sew the seed

*The Storm*

That was all before the storm
In an unexplainable and hard to believe sequence, it was as if the determiners of destiny decided to give us a trial
I was unprepared
You were uninvested
These types of things probably aren't all that hard for you to stumble on
For me I'd uncovered an unspeakable, invaluable treasure
Something beautiful that I placed above all else
Still so, the storm began
And with it came the torrents
And the gales
And the ominous glare of the eye
And yet I stood up to it
Did all I could to sequester the storm
To weaken and defy it
To create shelter in which to wait for its passing
It wasn't easy
And it wasn't quick
But eventually the worst of it had passed
The danger avoided (narrowly)
It set me back several steps
Undid weeks of my work
But I had managed to weather it with you
And my opportunity
Although changed
Was still realistic
Still worthy of pursuit
Little by little I regained the lost ground
Little by little I worked myself back into a separate category.
One that I alone now occupied

*The Exodus*

You needed to leave
I understood that
Hell, I promoted it
Helped you get there even
A part of me, for very selfish reasons
Had wished that you wouldn't
But I'd never let you know that
No I supported it just as very best I could
I mean it's not like you were going round the world
Only down the road
But still
The space was an obstacle
Another one
But by now I'd grown used to overcoming them
And this one didn't seem nearly as foreboding as the concept of even catching you in my web
Much less surviving the onslaught of the storm
Things were different, yes
But they weren't bad
In fact, I thought it might work out quite well
Give me fewer opportunities to somehow screw things up
Shoot myself in the foot
And for a while it was good
Difficult
But still very good
I thought my status secure
My victory
Finally
And painstakingly
Won

*The Silence*

And then
The Silence
From nowhere
As if some cruel devil of a force had constructed an impassable wall between us
It became non-reciprocal
One way
A Sisyphusian struggle that I was destined to be defeated by
And I resisted
As much as one can in such a circumstance
But eventually it was apparent
I was powerless
No action
No words
No grandiose plan could remedy my state
If I kept trying I would only work against myself
If I stopped trying I would lose all chance of re-establishing my position
A rock and a hard place never looked quite so comfortable
Because I was torn between two ultra massive black holes
Each fighting to tear me down to tiny, sub atomic particles and consume me
And all the while
The Silence persisted
Overnight it had appeared
But over weeks and months it remained
Acceptance was hard to come by
And not without plenty of suffering did it finally begin to emerge

*The (tainted) Acceptance

Now it's much easier
Time has gone by
Things have changed
But still there are the thoughts
The what if's and the if only's
They are still here
Floating around aimlessly
Ever ready to puncture my ribs and tweak my heartstrings at any mention of you
You
I wonder if you read this if you would even know
That this story is the story of you
In relation to me
But that doesn't really matter
Part of me still tries to think there's something there
Some barely below the surface sort of chemistry
And when I see you now it's like I can see you feel it
But that is only part
Most of me can tell
And probably could from the start
A dreamers dream is just that
And no fireflies or shooting stars
No loose eyelashes or birthday candles can make it much more
The chance was there
It was
And that's farther than I thought I'd ever get
But when I took it and ran
That's where the lines between the feasible and the fanciful began to skew...
I still believe there are words
I mean, there must exist certain words
Spoken in certain combinations
With particular emphases on particular phrases
Some fathomable construction of language which would fully convey to you just exactly what I want you to know
But these words are not that combination
And even if I ever came up with it
That all telling symphony of words
I doubt I'd ever speak them

I tried writing something about it
For me