If I Should Choose Poem by Brittany Quail

If I should choose
To model myself after the only girl.
The only girl I know to be perfectly beautiful
The only girl I've seen that has no flaws
physical or otherwise
If I could just be a good enough person
to speak to her
to be near her
to be like her
to be her friend

I'm afraid of her
but without a doubt I secretly adore her
secretly worship her
secretly model my life so that I may be worthy
to inhabit the same earth as her
to feel a trickle of her beauty
drip down like rain off a leaf
to touch my pale lips longing
to quench a thirst that will never be satisfied

Good God why won't you send me
her voice, her smile, her very flesh
so that I may look at it, copy it
perfect myself using it as my mold
forming each feature so that is nothing short
of an exact replica of her darling beauty
every angle, every color, every dropp I would ever bleed
should be like hers
And only when that it acheived
will i look at myself
and for once
smile

She's hideous
she's ugly
she's bad
she's not as good as you
repeat it to yourself
repeat it to me
she's horrid
she's fake
she's not worth the pain
she's no better than you
chant the mantra one more time...

and then tell my WHY
tell me what makes me better than her
tell me you're telling the truth
you can't
you can't tell me one thing
that makes me worth your time
what lets me deserve to be alive
when I could be Her?

She's always there
she never leaves me
and I say I want her gone
But if she left I'd want more
I'd want to see her
I'd want to be thrown on the ground
and beaten senseless by every thought
every feeling i've ever devoted to her
every useless tear I've shed
willing myself to become her
willing myself to become something
I simply can never be
Every moment I've spent
trying to hide
In shadows of the deepest blue
from the world
and from her
O, God I'm afraid

Looking out upon a midnight sky
I would never see a star
that would grant this
my one and only wish
that I truly want
and I can tell
that I will spend my life looking
for anything to erase her
for anything to make me her
for anything to help me be her