How Am I... Poem by Ryan Sanders

How am I not myself when I thought
I knew myself like a cat on it's 8th life?
Self-control and moderation is like a dam,
restrain! ...but this dam has broken.

Lost in translation, this stupid act of mine
brought down trust, no I'm not fine. A soul torn apart, screaming
like acid on flesh, a cry off in the distance, no...no...
It's mine, my ears are just in a far off place.

Confused, why did it happen so? The people involved, why didn't
they look out after me like friends should? False friends, false lives
all the while living beautiful lies.

I am lost in this roaring river of confusion
and doubt...these stepping stones are small and slippery.

No words or actions can repair, this I know...but beyond
in what we call the future I only hope this can be
left behind, allowing me to grow.

The disgusting actions I have done...lost beyond reason...
No, this is not an apology...no this is not to you,
it is to me and me alone.