Five Times You Nearly Loved Me Poem by Amy Sutton

1.
There was this one time, see,
where we sat among trees and rocks,

on guard, apparently,

and watched the world roll by

(at 30, past the speed cameras.)

And I suppose

we were too young to understand
why your hand found mine
along the worn-wood knots
of a park bench,

in a twin-beat double-beat
of terror
at each others’ silence.

2.
There was this one time, see,
sunk deep in broken sofas,
with low ceilings
and heavy metal
and the sticky sheen
of stale sweets.

We kept full conversation
never daring to look
as our hands crept

- almost without instruction -

to brush gently,
tentatively

(but so so definitely)

fingertip kisses
hidden
in the crooks of our arms.

3.
There was this one time, see,
in a white,
badly-lit corridor;
loose papers,
and anger
like a poisonous bubble
in my chest
at the things I couldn’t control.

You caught me.

Reeled me in
and just

just
held me.

Breathed your comfort
and your belief in me
in that whispered sigh
just below my ear.

(You fitted so painfully well.)

4.
There was this one time, see,
that French film
that you’d…never seen?

“What? You heathen! ”

Cold chocolate

(“You forgot this, dear.”)

against you,
so close,
so invasive,
I’d almost been joking.

But you didn’t stop me.

You didn’t move away.

You didn’t.

And just for one moment,
we were.

[We were! ]

5.
And that’s why
I wait,
knowing you’re not coming.

That’s why
I write love letters

you’re never going to read.