Exaustion Poem by Cloe C

I don't really know how to feel
How do you feel something when you just feel normal all the time
I stare at my wall for hours and hear the fear that lurks from silence
Silence came from when the pain started

i used to feel so angry and mad and frustrated and so much upset and so much pain
but now, i just feel nothing
so sometimes i like to reminiscence on memories and feelings
sometimes the past is easier to live in because it already happened

how can't i just perfect each memory and
write each thing into something more beautiful then what i feel
because i'm in constant pain anyway not physical or mental
but exhaustion from not feeling anything

and sometimes there's just a lot of emotions i can't put into words
sometimes there's lots of emotionless emotions
but it doesn't matter because it puts more pain on me
nothing feels real anymore. everything in my head just hurts

its just a constant battle between myself in my head
so many voices and opinions and strengths and weaknesses
it just all hurts
i feel every thought like the sound of each key being pressed on my keyboard right now.

and i cant just explain to my friends the ways that i feel
i cant come to words or put them together because its a swarm to process
i don't know where to go or how to get them to silence once they awake
and i cant tell people my pain because i don't want to hurt them

I've seen their smiles turn to frowns that drooped so low
that sadness came because of me
so how can i talk to them when it'll hurt them
they don't know how to deal with my thoughts and i don't care to explain

and i don't want to tell people because i just imagine what they would do to themselves
or what they have done and what they've went through
and i can't be the bearer of bad news
and then carry the guilt knowing i caused them to hurt

i don't know what to do anymore because i don't want to keep hurting people
but i also don't want to stop feeling the pain and all its lead to is more pain
but i know i'm alive when i think of pain that's happened
i can feel something anything, other than the hollowness of not being there

i honestly just want to end it all
but i cant
it would be too selfish and easy
and i can't put people through grief so i put myself through it

i cause the pain in my head to hurt myself so i can feel something so i know i'm alive
i just feel so messed up and alone
but i am alone
i'm not apart of anything, i don't feel like i belong

i'm just waiting for a purpose to exist and god its been a long process
i don't feel connected with anything or most people
and i'm trying so hard to be able to wake up each day and feel connected with anything
i'm afraid of living but i'm scared of dying

so what other hope do i have but to continue this cycle