Envious Green Poem by Kitty Marie Lucas

I'm looking for things that will destroy me
a second time over like the
first time someone did it...
nothing more, nothing less;
a death that lasts a minute

in a moment of lucidity
I see everything,
then drown that vision
in hypocrisy.

I keep wondering
between the thoughts in quiet spaces,
if

I have the fortitude to end it all.

...I'm pausing between these frantic paces
to offer a blank stare
in the face of the squall.

how I feel about it,
this idea I can't shake...
I have the skill to end the call
or destroy what options I have left
before I'm dashed upon rocks as I fall...
when looking at that prospect
it doesn't seem better than none at all.

all the insecure boys around us
look to construe us as troublesome things
when I scoff as they run from our quick wit
and turnabout,
then I settle for something even less than bargaining.

I don't pursue lines of reckless abandon,
but my feelings vaporize
in envious green.
I long for solitude
when I already have it
and wonder if I can be read in
anything but crimson ink.

try as I might,
I can't engage...
try as might,
I can't absolve
myself from these thoughts
which are construed as madness,
then left in tatters
as though they were wrong.

I can't breathe when I have no air,
I can't sleep when I know I'm there...
there isn't anything left to see
so move along

...I've run out words to my siren song.