Date Myself Poem by krissi b'williams

2nite at dinner, i was being rude...making fun of the food...
i was being sarcastic and nasty
iwas talking over people, mimicking them, being sassy
and once we got home, you got the courage to confront me...
'you simply asked me'
'when you look in the mirror, do you like what you see?
if the roles were reversed
and it was was me who always screamed n cursed
at everyone around me, ...at all my friends and family.'
he looked at me and shook his head sadly,
'would you tolerate me, always puttin you down
always degrading me, when every1s around
'if i had to always be the center of attention....
alwayins acting crazy, always misbehaving
' if i showed you affection
by cursing and or abusing you...
or by me spitting in your face....isnt that a disgrage
and the more people in the crowd
the more you show off, screaming at me so loud
so every1 stops what they are doing
and your voice becomes the only sound.....as your yelling at me
accusing me of screwing
strangers and friends...even your family
'right here, right now, this has got to end...
look at the image in the mirror and just pretend, its me sitting there instead
look at the image in the mirror, look at what youve become
your not the woman i met, your a stranger, noone
especially me, who doesnt know you anymore,
i want the old you back, the woman i fell for
dont you realize, exactly what your doing?
by calling me out....in a huge crowd
accussing me of screwing
any name that pops into your head
you act like i have no emotions, that i am numb and dead
that i dont feel shyt....and you never quit
even now you probaly dont get it...
you live in your own world, its (her name) land
and you are only happy, when you are in command
im trying not to be mean....but you must have low self-esteem
to treat the people..who.....care about you
the way that you intentionally do
everything i am saying
is entirely true
and (her name) , im no longer playing
this insane game.....
and youve only got yourself to blame
i mean it, i mean what i say
finally
either you stop this or i walk away
'just look into the mirror,
and see yourself a little more clearer
and ask yourself...'would i want to date me? '
'would i put up with myself? would i live in this hell?
would i put up with all the hate,
that only i create?
abuse...physically, verbally, and mentally...
would i want to be with?
some1 like me, who treats me like shyt?
the abuse...the spittting...1 who beats
the slapping, cursing, and hitting.... on me? '
he placed his hand upon my shoulder....and gave me a kiss on top of my head
'all i want is the old you back, and for this witch to be dead
i mean it crazy lady, every word i just said
i no longer feel like a man
this bullshit has gotten out of hand...
i cant go on like this...!
he gave my head, another kiss
'for the 1st time in a long time, im willing to let you go
bcuz the woman who i loved, is no longer here
she just up and disappeared
and im left with this stranger, whom i barely know
its went 4m hugs and kisses
to a degrading love full of spitting
and everything i do or dont do is wrong
and even tho...im still madly in love
with the old you
i will be the 1st here to admit
that even as a mans man
you hit hard and strong
and your spits...hits its mark
where you aim it lands
and whether it be the spitting
the punches, or the hitting
you always aim for my face
your lucky i never hit you back
your very blessed as a matter of fact
im tired of being the punching bag
im tired of being disgraced
and to see the other couples with pity on theyre face
'see as you just sit there, just brushing your hair
your already given me...'im ready to punch you stare'
if i cant relate me feelings, and asked for the fear of the consequence would be
'have you answered it yet? would i date me? '
is it really worth...all the pain abuse and hurt
to always be disgraced
with bruises all over my face
to apolgize......................for yor voilence
for your stupid unnecessary out bursts
and to see the look of surprise
on the face of every1 you hurt
cuz your so damn miserable with your own life
a flash of lightning burst into her eyes
and suddenly she began to cry
but these were not tears of remorse nor regret
these were tears of anger,
he now knew he had placed himself in danger
bcuz the snake using its rattle
when she shed tears it meant battle
i promise you if you hit me i will hit you back
and i swear thats the truth
im not lying, im stating a simple fact
enough is enough, i am thru
bcuz then you'd finally see
that i'd be...happy, to be the 1
now wouldnt it be fun
again to be the one hitting you
that the abuser was nolonger you, but me
i would show you the insanity
so you can feel disgraced
by me spitting
finally hitting
you in the face,
but as the man
you know i am
im just venting empty threats
go ahead just be you
do all the shyt that you do
cuz it wont be me to relive each day
with regrets
when i walk away
threaten me all you want to, ive heard it all
before
she picked up her cell to make that call
pretending to be dialing 911
he knocked her cell unto the floor
it was over b4 it had begun
'all i asked of you
was something very simple to do
put yourself in my shoes
relive my hell with everything you do....
over the past (#) years
ive put up with your fake apologies fillled with crocodile tears
you saying how very sorry you were after each attack
and bcuz i loved the old you, i took her back
but 2nites the night
2 make your decisions
let this new you die, and the old 1 to start living
if you trully love me, just this one time
think about my needs, not yours, but mine
i will nolonger take the abuse, degrading, nor the fights
my love for you in not enough
for the way you got me living
putting up with your stuff
think about what i said
for the old (her name) is dead
i want her to return...i want you to go away
i cant love a complete stranger
who every single day places my life in danger
'simply ask yourself
for inner-strentgh and help...
that you so desperately need
theres only one way out of this....i need to leave
its the only way i can help you
'ask yourself, what would i do?
with all this hell hes putting me thru
and no matter what you did, no matter how hard you tried
to correct this situation
it only led to more violence
lies and more n more devestation
you need more help, then i can obviously give
to release you 4m yourself and let (her name) live
over the past (#) years
i watched you come alive, and her dissappear
ive went to jail for no crime
it was your abuse, yet i did the time
its so much easier for the cops to believe
that its the woman not the man whose gettin beat
ive been punched, and ive been smacked
pushed around and attacked
your always hitting me, or spitting on me
throwing things at my back and my head
or when i try and leave, after you abuse me
you try running me over with the car instead
people look at me with pity, or empathy
the look at me crazy, with no sympathy
but why should they, im the stupid man
who stays...day after day...to get hit again and again
everyday, yeah its the same
punching, smacking, kicking and spitting
and calling me names
your right im stupid, im insane
but i hold on to the hope who you became
will die and go away...and the old you will come back to stay
hopefully...1 day
watching what you become everyday
drives my sanity, a little more away
a little more insane
and im the 1 to blame
if i stay here just 1 more minute, and play this crazy game
when the old (her name) comes back
i'll come around
bcuz just like your sanity until then
i will be lost, and will refuse to be found
until the old you comes home again......
do not apologize
dont stare at me with them doe eyes
we both know its part of your tricks
woman you are very sick
so as i leave, i ask you to promise me one thing more'
remember us, how we were before
when she was here, b4 you came
just recall her, the happiness associated with her name
oh and one more thing, i hope you understand
theres no one as nuts as i am
this man
meaning me
who will put up with your split personalities
i stuck around bcuz i believed
the old you would resurface 1 day
and set us both free
theres noone else to put up with
you and your shyt
the way that i did
you'd best believe it
so you just sit
there
in that chair
and remember all i had to say
every word i said
and ask yourself this major, important question?
' or 2? '
'who do i want to be?
would i want to date me?
and hopefully
you'll come to see
that 2nd answer should be 'no'
look im tired, and yeah im exhausted
ive got to go....
he looked at me
1 last time
as he turned to leave....
he waved his final goodbye! ! ! !