Crusader Poem by Suzanne Hayasaki

Here I sit upon this fine white steed,
Somewhere between home and nowhere,
Lost, alone, bereft of friend or foe,
Afraid it is my destiny to wander endlessly
Along this trail of bones, blood and plunder.

Crows taunt me.
Dreams haunt me.
Water is scarce.
Food must be scrounged.
All my loot has no value
In a wasteland such as this.

And so I journey on,
Not knowing, not caring
Who I meet or what I see
Because I have seen things
That would blind a sinless man.

Yet I carry the weight of my sins
Like my suit of armor, rusted and dented,
Restricting my movements, limiting my vision,
Yet impossible to remove and leave on the field
Where I fought my last battle and lost my last companion.

We marched against the enemies of Christendom.
We set out from our cities intending to return in glory
We hoped to carry the Grail back to a chapel in Rome
We believed God would grant us victory in His son’s name.

But all that waited for us in the Holy Land was Death.
Death on the march from dysentery and plague.
Death in the camps from exposure and hunger.
Death in battle at the hands of the enemy.
Deaths meted out to deserters and thieves.

Where is the glory in war?
Where is the honor in slaughter?
Where is the meaning in stealing?
Where is the righteous hand of God?

These questions scurry through my brain
In an endless refrain that keeps me from sleep.
As I look at the ancient grave with its cryptic inscription,
I wonder if this man, too, doubted before he died.
I wonder if this man, too, fought without knowing why.
I wonder if war and pestilence is the eternal lot of Man
And if so, what did we do to displease God so greatly
That he damned us to divide against ourselves
To live in an eternal state of strife and suffering.

As I sit astride my steed and look around me at the stones
I start to feel my strength give out and let myself exhale slowly,
Knowing it is over and I will soon join the skull I see before me
In whatever fate awaits on the other side of life and death.