But I Need This... Poem by Andrus Cassian

I'm in denial, lost in a sea of faces
a school of beautiful, captivating rainbow fish
passing without a second thought about the world
jealous, I am, of that
so I kick off my shoes in a hurry to join in the merriment
but I teeter on my heels
a five year old scared to swim for the first time
In my head, I'm shoving myself
I need this...I need this...
but I live on the edge, still staring out
hesitant and terrified
Come on, come on; I need this...I need this...
jump in, don't fear; jump in, don't think
so I don't and I jump off, jump off
but doubt laughed as I drowned
I need this...I need this...
I'm a shut-in, a hermit
what purpose is there to leave when you have no one to see
where can you go when there's nowhere at all
The dirty walls of my room is my world
my movie theater, my restaurant
The same black hole in which I rest
is the same black hole I wish to escape
but I need this...I need this...
I'm not a social butterfly, I can't handle crowds
but I can't keep waking to the same four walls in this cell
screaming out to phantoms to rid myself of the monotony
What's wrong with me, always bringing me down
Why am I the losing one, my own best friend and worst enemy
Am I really waiting on an ally to say
'here take me instead I'd rather not see you all alone'
but I am alone...I'm alone...
I need this...I need this...but I can't be this...
If I can't overcome my anxiety...doesn't matter
I'm a loser just the same
Here I sit on this raining rooftop
a movie-like moment
staring into my hands
whispering to no one I need this, I need this
while angry clouds drown me out
suffocating me with the very substance I find peace in
Irony...or another thing entirely
but I need this...I need this...
or I'l committ poetic suicide among these pages
sag nothing for there's nothing to say
as I jump off, jump off
I'm going down
never to rise again