Critiques and Revision

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Matthew Luxford Male, 26, Australia (3/1/2013 3:12:00 AM)

I've just started writing poetry, this is about my fifth poem (haven't showed anyone any of my work before) . Was interested in anyone's thoughts, good or bad - even something I should look into.

Any who, this one I wrote is about smoking and its delicious, albeit debilitating nectar.

My psychological dependence keeps you close,
Never leaving me for a moment too long,
My lungs re-unite with you my friend Trojan,
My body becomes limp, filled with your ecstasy,
My mind becomes a free flowing river,
Connecting tributaries previously unmapped,
I don't want to lose this feeling, please don't leave me,
I become concerned with our distant separation, your absence leaves me reeling,
Unaware of your commitment issues, your promise of return never makes up for your brief stay, I want that feeling, please come back.

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  • Rookie - 30 Points Faustina Marie (3/1/2013 6:44:00 PM) Post reply
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    i must say, i absolutely hate smoking because of my father, but this poem is very well written. the " please don't leave me" and " please come back" feel a bit forced. the emotion is communicated really effectively

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