Critiques and Revision


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  • Gold Star - 14,924 Points John Westlake (10/31/2014 8:18:00 AM) Post reply
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    He used to sit with his head in his hands and he would cry
    she got a kick of ruining his life with her lies
    he tried to laugh it off even though it is doing him harm
    you can tell from the cuts on his arm

    His dreams turned to dust
    he was not sure who he can trust
    all he wants is for someone to love him for who he is
    not cast him aside and make fun of this

    He sought a new set of dreams to reset his life
    not wanting to end it with a knife
    yet he knew not where to start
    to repair the damage to his fractured heart
    he left that evil girl behind
    and a new existence he wanted to find

    eventually he found a nice girl
    her eyes were pretty and her skin like pearl
    they connected right from the very start
    and together they repaired his damaged heart

    When he used to sit and cry
    now together they sit and watch the night sky
    they love each other for who they are
    and in the heavens they are each other’s stars

  • Rookie - 15 Points ian Timmons (10/27/2014 4:15:00 AM) Post reply

    As the trees tremble with breeze
    As the man falls to a knee
    In the light of the sun and a heart in his hand
    His love will be heard throughout the land

    A life he prays will be coming soon
    A life of one created from two
    In sickness and in health to all that remains
    He will love her forever and he'd do it again

  • Rookie - 15 Points ian Timmons (10/27/2014 4:02:00 AM) Post reply

    A plums endeavor toward the ground
    A fall which I can not catch
    Does it hurt they ask as I lie here
    This basic task again

    A simple one that I partake
    I've done so many before
    The things I regret in the past
    When I stand they'll be no more

  • Gold Star - 14,924 Points John Westlake (10/26/2014 5:22:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Goad Mofterning
    this is not the news
    these are the foot curves

    The statue of happy misery
    has been brought to life
    at the Swiss port of Bern tomorrow
    the melon decapitated itself
    using an ice cream doughnut
    the resulting tidiness has scrambled
    two Antarctic army jets into jelly custard

    A mahogany lime shoe made of cheese
    has written a letter to a ruler in three weeks time
    claiming to have had an inner body experience
    the set square has declined to comment on the eggs

    A free range table has been laid by a cow in old jumper
    complete with shell of penguins
    the cutlery have yet to be hatched from their trees
    but there is no safety to the colonel private

    This was not the news
    now on to the lemon crickets with the granite juice
    a Goad Moafterningight from some of us

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  • Rookie - 83 Points Lungelo The Clairvoyant (10/25/2014 11:58:00 AM) Post reply

    Hi, could you guys please read my latest piece which I titled, Vent Of A Laden Heart. Thank you.

  • Rookie - 56 Points Poga Humayun Dundiwala (10/21/2014 10:53:00 PM) Post reply

    sweetswords /diwali.

    At dipawali.
    Light the lamp for blind God.
    With blind faith.

    #dawkins #dipawali

  • Gold Star - 14,924 Points John Westlake (10/20/2014 4:52:00 PM) Post reply | Read 2 replies

    Until the book of my life is filled
    I must keep writing it
    almost like a diary
    of what has happened in my existence so far

    Words lines and paragraphs are added
    more of them each day
    the future is left blank
    as the book knows not what will come to be

    Sometimes I like to turn the pages back
    to remember what happened before
    but whole chapters I will not read again
    some things are better off left be

    At the end of my life the book will be completed
    it will never be a best seller in the shops
    but it was never meant to be
    all that would matter
    is that it would belong to me

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    • Gold Star - 14,924 Points Anand Brown (10/21/2014 5:15:00 AM) Post reply

      The concept of the poem is without fault, the execution lacks creativity and does not show the creative zeal you would expect a post-modern poet to have. I'll say it is a work in progress, but you are ... more

    • Gold Star - 14,924 Points Points Of View (10/20/2014 9:21:00 PM) Post reply

      Yes! That would belong to you John..There's more empty page to fill it up...Your still young...Still a long way to run(walk) .

  • Rookie - 56 Points Poga Humayun Dundiwala (10/18/2014 7:42:00 PM) Post reply

    sweetswords/memory
    .....................................

    Those who are far away.
    Yet remains in intimate thoughts.
    They are never apart.

  • Rookie - 56 Points Poga Humayun Dundiwala (10/18/2014 7:41:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    sweetswords/memory
    .....................................

    Those who are far away.
    Yet remains in intimate thoughts.
    They are never apart.

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  • Rookie - 15 Points ian Timmons (10/18/2014 12:57:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    trembling heart.
    cry no more.
    I've come to cure you.

    the love you seek cannot be yours.
    but don't cry, don't cry.
    by cure a knife to end your suffering.
    tonight i'll grant you freedom.

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie - 15 Points Anand Brown (10/21/2014 5:18:00 AM) Post reply

      I love the concept of your poem, its witty and evocative, however, it lacks execution. I love the fact that you sought to condense it into short lines as oppose to dragging out the action. Give more m ... more

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