Critiques and Revision

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  • Rookie - 19 Points Savannah Oakes (4/21/2013 10:17:00 PM) Post reply
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    If I Had Ten More Minutes

    If I had ten more minutes
    And my voice was not faint
    Nor my face so devoid
    Or my mind so blank
    I would profess—

    But I'm afraid of words
    Which might betray lips,
    For what is kept
    is of my eyes,
    that impulsive organ,
    I've attempted to stray:
    hooded, hazed.

    Construing a montage
    ever playing:
    concerns, worries
    fears, and doubts,
    Come to life
    in bursting light
    whilst straining in the dark.

    And if such creations
    could speak—
    or better
    could be heard—
    through the mist of passion
    And masks of pride,

    I would profess
    All in my heart;
    Every quaint murmur
    Forsaken night and night.

  • Veteran Poet - 1,047 Points Godfrey Morris (4/16/2013 4:18:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    I Seek Thee

    Nothing will compare to the oasis I now seek

    These arid eyes betray the fountain it seeks

    Submerged in a desert dust, of cries

    I seek high and low, as mountains greet the sky

    And seas search their depths

    I seek thee, as a song demands a humming melody

    I seek thy presence as how wise men follow reason

    I seek thy ways as lord Justice seeks to right

    Oppressors’ wrongs

    I seek all pleasures as how an addict demands ecstacy

    I seek thy faith as how the righteous surrender their praise

    I seek thee greatly, as much as the eagle desires

    to roam the vaccant skies

    Precious love!

    Where have thou fled?

    Far away from natures divine creed?

    Absent from thine own heart’s desire?

    I seek lost understanding of life’s cruel ways

    I seek to find, as the river seeks the sea

    Love! I seek thee still

    Just as the light intends to tame the shrewd of the night

    I seek hoping to find, causing my will to die

    I seek thee to be calm and be at peace

    Oh Dear, Sweet, Precious Love

    I pray that you relieve me now -

    For all there is to be - I do find in thee

    And with your Love I can now see

    copyright © 2013

    Godfrey Morris

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  • Rookie Gabriel Denver (4/15/2013 5:24:00 AM) Post reply

    My breath catches when you hold your hair up
    As your neck comes alive and invites me to live.
    Lips find the softest of skin as I feel you rise
    And I hear you sigh…

    Together as one
    In that moment there is only us
    In mind, in body and in soul…..
    Timeless love passes through our hands.

    I use your heartbeat as a guide
    My fingers follow it’s path.
    I hear you calling……
    I hear you calling…..

  • Rookie - 30 Points Faustina Marie (4/14/2013 11:32:00 PM) Post reply

    Hand of Hate

    I stand untouched by flames and clubs
    But the horror rakes my throat,
    The fires are far away
    The fighters are far away,
    Five decades in the past
    A single decade in the past
    Hundreds of miles away

    My daddy was never beaten
    For walking down a street,
    I was never barred from school
    For the color of my cheeks.
    My ancestor's backs never tasted
    The sting of planters' whips,
    And yet breaths of terror
    Struggle through my lips

    Burned down their own ghettos?
    Those held their houses and their shops
    Their schools and their homes
    Their children and their brothers

    The screams
    The screams would've dripped with familiarity
    With filiality!
    The hate wasn't piercing the enemy
    The hate was lashing the common victim

    The enemy...
    The enemy was fading already;
    The lion licked its vile paws
    And clenched its carnal jaws-
    Forswearing its wicked ways,
    (At the barrel of tamer's persuader,
    but a retreat nonetheless)

    My daddy was never beaten
    For walking down a street,
    I was never barred from school
    For the color of my cheeks,
    But the screams scrape at my limbs
    My burning aching limbs...

  • Rookie - 4 Points Jessie Knaggs (4/12/2013 8:09:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply


    Run to the future
    Run from your past
    Run from your evil
    Run from your pain
    Run as fast as you can
    Run till your cold heart starts to thaw
    Run until the dark becomes light
    Run until your scars start to heal
    Run even though you can’t get away
    You can’t run from the demons in your past
    But still you run
    Run to a new place
    Run to a new life
    Run right into my arms
    Then you’ll never have to run again
    I'll hold you till the pain is gone
    Till you can open your eyes and see a new world
    A brighter kinder world
    Where the pain from your past will be gone
    This is the world i want you to see
    It is the world i dream for you and me

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie - 4 Points Gabriel Denver (4/15/2013 5:26:00 AM) Post reply

      Hi there, I loved that...wonderful, wonderful wonderful............................

  • Rookie Evans Ampofo (4/12/2013 3:51:00 AM) Post reply

    All I want is you love. i love you so much it hurt. when i think about you i cant breath, because you are my air breath. i feel lose with you. if i have go to hell and back just to be with you just for one day i will because i know God understands how much i love you.i love so much i will die for you. you are my oxygen if i cant breath, so how can breath with you. you my eyes if cant see. i will tell the world how much i love you. people will know how i care you, i am incomplete with you beside. i love you girl.

  • Rookie Stephen Izevbekhai (4/8/2013 7:23:00 AM) Post reply

    Check out my poems; Dreams and Street kids..Both poems are open to constructive criticisms, suggestions and comments..Kindly drop your comments as they may help in improvements..Thanks peers..

  • Rookie - 415 Points Yasmeen Khan (4/7/2013 11:22:00 AM) Post reply

    Silence, a wordless language
    a sea shell held close to the ear with
    the sounds surf sends hissing up
    the sandy beach

  • Rookie - 0 Points Kelvin Enumah (4/4/2013 4:57:00 PM) Post reply

    this is actually my first time going for a critique...anyway.

    Much More Beauty

    Beauty they say lies in the hands of the beholder, bet, I say here it lies in the hands of the shareholder, all I can see and know, is that it's like you crossing a border, it would only be joy to find out what's after the border of beauty.

    It seemed to me like I wasn't seeing what I was meant to see; bit by bit I fell for the deceit,
    freight caught hold of me with a strong sight, fitness came to me, though like a tack hit.

    I say all this, because I've felt one, eyes; like that of a diamond,
    flies could not even stand a look at it, iced bloods, ran through my veins at once.

    Though I couldn't still believe what I was seeing, thoughts like; who is this?Tampered with my feelings, thorough shock ran through me like that off those that killed ‘tesla', thus, the only way to find out, is to test her.

    From a distance, I could hear the sun cry, from that instance, I wandered about giving it a try, yet I asked myself; could this be one of those wonder fly?still, looking at the diamond eyes, and I'm just wanting to go fey.

    Then I saw a smile that transits,
    I was though still amazed at what I was seeing, that I continued to gaze at the point of forfeit, this must be an intruder to my mind! ! I insist.

    I just couldn't fight and resist,
    that I almost shouted ‘oh my gosh';
    but in her presence I wouldn't try saying such, I must have my stand; I persist.

    Never knew that figures applies to people, nervous at first,
    because her skin was as fresh as an apple, but that mostly, made me thirst.

    Smiling! ! ! All this just feels rumpled, asking, what could this be at this angle?Toggle me, I think I'm falling for a beauty, sorry; ; MUCH MORE BEAUTY.

  • Rookie - 2 Points Meronhailom Hailom (4/2/2013 9:39:00 AM) Post reply

    Dear members, your critiques and suggestions mean a step forward in my poem writing, so please, give your honest ideas about my poems.

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