Critiques and Revision

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  • Rookie Christopher Mcnabb (2/1/2013 12:25:00 AM) Post reply
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    Field Of Fox

    What a simple mind has done.
    Just can't see beyond their tongue.
    Open their mouths and the truth is born.
    All so lucky their thoughts don't swarm.

    You just can't buy, shaman's tongue.
    Let their smoke fill your lung.
    To read the future all so clear.
    To many variables for that my dear.

    The future is a treasure we've yet to behold.
    It is left for us to shape and mold.

    You just can't buy, soothsayer's vision.
    When they have fault in their own decision.
    Our impending, each choice unlocks.
    All just rabbit, in the field of fox.

  • Rookie Christopher Mcnabb (1/26/2013 12:39:00 AM) Post reply

    Hello I am new to site, I do not right long poems to bog down the mind,
    though I do appreciate a good read regardless of length. You may like my
    style, you may not. And appreciate any comments or critisizms.

  • Rookie - 4 Points Jessie Knaggs (1/24/2013 2:42:00 PM) Post reply

    hello i'm new to poetry writing and would greatly appercete a feedback on the poems i've written to help me improve as a poet. thank you very much.

  • Rookie - 235 Points Yasmeen Khan (1/22/2013 5:35:00 AM) Post reply

    Hi! everyone
    Please read and review my poems.

  • Rookie - 1 Points Ketan Hukare (1/20/2013 2:23:00 AM) Post reply

    Please read and comment on my new poem SPELLBOUND.
    Waiting for response............ :)

  • Rookie Ella Pitt (1/17/2013 7:02:00 AM) Post reply

    Would really appreciate it if anybody could take the time to read my latest poems 'Vacuous' and 'Wednesday Night'

  • Rookie Ash .... (1/17/2013 1:39:00 AM) Post reply

    With the last note (fading music)

    Where did we go wrong?
    Where did we lose control?
    What happened to the fairy-tale we once lived?
    What happened to the dreams we once had?
    A cabin of hope was built over months yet shattered overnight with just one fight
    Rumors tipped the scales, we lost our balance and we took two steps back
    Two steps into our garden and now all that remains are trampled flowers of trust
    Anger made the melody, so we sang along with hurtful lyrics
    Took a deep breath of disappointment so we exhaled some silence
    Hurricane heart break was devastating and up to now my heart remains an exhibit
    Once upon a time our heartbeat made the music and our romance wrote the lyrics
    But as melody of love goes on I fear the last note
    because with the last note of this song, this heart might just stop beating

    Clouds cleared the day I met you and a melody began
    With every note of that melody my heart beat to a new rhythm
    Took a couple of steps and found myself on a mountain top
    With a leap of faith I landed in your heart
    A place warmed by affection and showered by love
    You were different from the rest so I had to ask
    You were amazing so I took a moment to appreciate
    Before I knew it, loving you was my lifestyle
    Every word was precious so time wasn't wasted
    I loved you for the person I grew to know and not just for what I saw
    In my head it all started with one question but soon it was all a fairy-tale
    Dropped the game of cards because I couldn't bear to lose a queen of hearts
    You weren't perfect; I was more than a mess
    Mathematics would say 70% +30% = 100%
    So complement + complement should give completion of this set
    We weren't the one's to take the credit because God made it work
    We loved the music so we danced to every note
    But now I ask what happened to the music coz it's starting to fade
    If it's what I did please let me know
    Silence never made music so it won't help this song
    These battle scars don't look like they are fading,
    I just hope it isn't going to be one of us fading as the music draws to the last note

    I never knew what love was so you made me listen to the music
    The Keyboard played a key in a G flat for kindness
    The flute made a harmony of patience
    The guitar made an acoustic echo of forgiveness
    The bass of the drums told a story of endurance and hope
    I was never good at picking a band but this I know,
    There was no trumpet of selfishness that stole the show
    No one played the cello of pride
    The lyrics kept no record of mistakes made in rehearsal
    Though not perfect, the notes left no room for irritation
    Day and night that song played in my heart dedicated to you
    It was none other than the song of love
    We were two worlds apart but since one heart was in place, one rhythm was heard
    Pardon the rules I broke and tell Santa I was a good boy coz all I want is one Christmas wish
    If I had one wish, loving you defines my Christmas wish list
    Shadows may fade with the sunset, but let not this love fade away with the passage of time
    Silence doesn't mean I'm avoiding you,
    If you are looking for me I'm in the other room waiting on my knees
    Praying that the last note of this song lasts forever
    because it's a note of love I dedicated to you

    We say heart beat makes the music
    So before the last note plays, please forgive me
    We say heart beat makes the music,
    So with the last note I hope you hear me
    Let the last note last forever
    because the last note says I love you

  • Rookie - 235 Points Yasmeen Khan (1/16/2013 12:48:00 PM) Post reply

    As she whirls and twirls it's not her flesh
    It's her soul that bathes in ecstasy
    It's her heart that feels the bliss
    And her eyes that shine like stars
    It's the rainbow that bows with her
    It's the fish that trills like her
    It's bluebird's frolic, a swan's sway
    A murmuring, twisting brook in valleys
    A water lily quivering gently
    Caper the limbs, poised as bird's wings
    Slide and glide, flowing with symphonies
    Pirouetting tip-toes painting a mural
    Scarcely feel the floor those feather feet,
    Fascinating the beholders into a world another
    She bows to them, smiling a radiant smile.

  • Rookie - 0 Points Nithin Purple (1/14/2013 10:16:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    To spirituality

    Awake your mind's precious weigh;
    Does it drive, your soul's wizen health.
    And he to you is willing; you can't inveigh!
    Vivid is Apollo, god of light, trust his songs:
    Gain your providential solemness with fewer aches;
    Until, a Divine you breed with you called spiritual Eros:
    Spirituality exists where ever our struggles;
    An issue of how we fit into greater schemes,
    That wisdom links, as 'one man in you' with powerful gods,
    That ritual enlightenment your sin wipes.
    Depend in that god, he leads you high:
    Must tolerate, forgive and gain yourself.

    And in One new day, you displaced like a sleigh;
    To keep your soul far into his everlasting bowers, Honoured.

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  • Rookie - 926 Points Gulsher John (1/12/2013 11:43:00 AM) Post reply

    Let instincts play her role...... every age has been blessed with some domain and it has to be realised........we must sense that every world has it's own dynamics and let it Freely Play..... blame, restrain, being crazy, radicle, sophist, are relative concept, ......philology should be kept separated from philosophy and morality........

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