Critiques and Revision
(3/5/2013 11:10:00 AM)
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so i'm fairly new here and this is one of the poems i wrote that i think is pretty good but i would appreciate any comments on it that you could give thank you
he cuts his arms and watched them bleed
saying this is truly the life for me
taking release in the pain of the blade
but for him this is not enough
he needs it to end enough is enough he says
so he takes the pills
goes to sleep
hoping this will be his final release
he wakes the next morning
cry's cause he's still here
thinking why can't it just end
the world would be better if I was wasn't here
then his dad walks into the room
he sees the bottle laying on the floor
he holds back tears and asks him why
he said he was weak and finally broke
his dad sits down on the bed next to him
he looks his soon in the eyes and says this
when I was young I was like you
wanting to die I didn't know what to do
one day I tried to end it all
the next morning my best friend found me laying on the ground
she fell down and cried and wanted to know why
I told her I'm not worth the ground I walk on
so who would care if I was dead
she said many people would care if you were dead
like me your mom your dad and your brother
you have many friends who care a lot for you
if you had to kill yourself in front of them what would you do
at that moment I knew that I was worth the life I was given
if I was gone I would break hundred hearts
so son I hope you can see
that if you were gone it would kill more than just you
it would kill me your mom and all the people who care about you
so next time you feel like killing yourself think about this
if you had to do it in front of the people you care about
would you be able to go through with it
(3/1/2013 3:12:00 AM)
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I've just started writing poetry, this is about my fifth poem (haven't showed anyone any of my work before) . Was interested in anyone's thoughts, good or bad - even something I should look into.
Any who, this one I wrote is about smoking and its delicious, albeit debilitating nectar.
My psychological dependence keeps you close,
Never leaving me for a moment too long,
My lungs re-unite with you my friend Trojan,
My body becomes limp, filled with your ecstasy,
My mind becomes a free flowing river,
Connecting tributaries previously unmapped,
I don't want to lose this feeling, please don't leave me,
I become concerned with our distant separation, your absence leaves me reeling,
Unaware of your commitment issues, your promise of return never makes up for your brief stay, I want that feeling, please come back.
(2/26/2013 3:57:00 PM)
Calling All Poets:
My name is Aria. I am passionate about poetry and many other forms of art. I love when poems surprise me or inspire me. I would love honest feedback on any of my poems. If you comment, I'll be happy to return the favour.
(2/14/2013 10:53:00 PM)
I would like to improve my work, and your comments and suggestions would be really appreciated. Thank you.
Eyo Justice Ellis
(2/13/2013 6:25:00 PM)
Hello beautiful people! I just updated my profile on poem hunter and added some poems to my profile. Please read, like, and comment on my poems. you could also send me messages and share your poems with me. it would a great pleasure reading, and writing poetry with you.
(2/7/2013 8:09:00 PM)
Would love to hear comments and reviews about my poetry
One wonders what the world would do,
If each word spoken, from this point, were true.
If every expression of emotion or reason, real!
How would this make mankind feel?
If a childs hunger could be fed by trust.
If respect for women was made a must!
No more hurt, no more pain, no more crime, no more shame.
No more deaths in religions name!
No more acts of desperation!
No more feelings of deep frustration!
Could this heal our global nation?!
(2/5/2013 2:58:00 PM)
I just published a new poem, it is titled 'Man Is'. I want you guys to check it out and creatively critizise it.
(2/3/2013 11:38:00 PM)
bigger mistakes give bigger lessons
worst things happen for better reasons
if you really want it, do whatevr
cause may be its now or never
you should risk it
only if its worth it
cause its never known before
if its only gona hurt more
so better be honest n simple
dan lie n tremble
trusting easily is a big threat
as its better dying than live with regret.
(2/3/2013 10:36:00 PM)
This is a poem i wrote learnin from my experiences n usin simple words. Honest critics
r welcome. Its titled as
U dnt always love da things u lyk
N nor do u always like da things u love
Mind n heart dnt always coordinate wid each oder
n feelings n thots wnt always harmonize together.
Da choices u make arnt always 1 u aimed for
Sometimes da things dat u gt attached to,
R dose, dat once u loathed a lot.
It feels as if der r 2 people in 1 person
One thotful n intelligentN oder sensitive n careless
Dey dnt get along really well
Ders always sum cold war between dem
Intelligence suggests da way to mre profit n happiness
Sensitivity dsnt knw wat it wants n goes newhwre
Its lyk a combinatn of animal n machine
Animal follows love, lyk a dog
All it wants is beautiful wrld n in it ‘u wid me'
But machine thinks a lot n always wants to get better
betr features, mre programmes n faster processors
machine can never love n dog can never b selfish
dog will never leave u n machine will sumday expire to rubbish.
Time does show u ur different type(s)
wat u can b n wat u can never evn try,
u do things dat u never dreamt of doin in lyf.
N end up runnin away frm those, dat wer once prized.
U go on searchin 4 happiness in all parts of world
N jus wen u think u got it, it will slip away on da road.
Den u stop tryin so hard n get back to wat u always did
N realize nothing else made u happier ‘dan, Wat u wer tryin to gt rid.
Beautiful things n beautiful people
Can make u happy 4 a while
But dat will fade, after u jus get away half a mile.
But people who love u 4 whoever u are
No mater hw far u go, u take der happy thots along.
Der presence r absence dsnt matter, , n nor does der stayin far
As dey walk wid u wherever u go, Cause dey r always present in ur heart.
(2/3/2013 7:13:00 PM)
X-ism: At the second floor of the land-lord house
At the second floor of the land-lord house
A lantern gleams all night long
Its light can be seen beyond the sash of window
When nocturnal birds also return to nest
The eyes of stars are languished due to drowsiness
Footfall is already stopped
Fireflies are also tired by sparkling light
The voice of cricket are also chocking
In a room of the second floor of the land-lord house
A lantern flickers dimly
All night long…
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