Critiques and Revision

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  • Rookie Stephen Izevbekhai (4/8/2013 7:23:00 AM) Post reply
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    Check out my poems; Dreams and Street kids..Both poems are open to constructive criticisms, suggestions and comments..Kindly drop your comments as they may help in improvements..Thanks peers..

  • Rookie - 235 Points Yasmeen Khan (4/7/2013 11:22:00 AM) Post reply

    Silence, a wordless language
    a sea shell held close to the ear with
    the sounds surf sends hissing up
    the sandy beach

  • Rookie - 0 Points Kelvin Enumah (4/4/2013 4:57:00 PM) Post reply

    this is actually my first time going for a critique...anyway.

    Much More Beauty

    Beauty they say lies in the hands of the beholder, bet, I say here it lies in the hands of the shareholder, all I can see and know, is that it's like you crossing a border, it would only be joy to find out what's after the border of beauty.

    It seemed to me like I wasn't seeing what I was meant to see; bit by bit I fell for the deceit,
    freight caught hold of me with a strong sight, fitness came to me, though like a tack hit.

    I say all this, because I've felt one, eyes; like that of a diamond,
    flies could not even stand a look at it, iced bloods, ran through my veins at once.

    Though I couldn't still believe what I was seeing, thoughts like; who is this?Tampered with my feelings, thorough shock ran through me like that off those that killed ‘tesla', thus, the only way to find out, is to test her.

    From a distance, I could hear the sun cry, from that instance, I wandered about giving it a try, yet I asked myself; could this be one of those wonder fly?still, looking at the diamond eyes, and I'm just wanting to go fey.

    Then I saw a smile that transits,
    I was though still amazed at what I was seeing, that I continued to gaze at the point of forfeit, this must be an intruder to my mind! ! I insist.

    I just couldn't fight and resist,
    that I almost shouted ‘oh my gosh';
    but in her presence I wouldn't try saying such, I must have my stand; I persist.

    Never knew that figures applies to people, nervous at first,
    because her skin was as fresh as an apple, but that mostly, made me thirst.

    Smiling! ! ! All this just feels rumpled, asking, what could this be at this angle?Toggle me, I think I'm falling for a beauty, sorry; ; MUCH MORE BEAUTY.

  • Rookie - 0 Points Meronhailom Hailom (4/2/2013 9:39:00 AM) Post reply

    Dear members, your critiques and suggestions mean a step forward in my poem writing, so please, give your honest ideas about my poems.

  • Rookie Amanda Daniel (3/18/2013 1:13:00 PM) Post reply

    am Amanda Daniel i like your profile,
    i am interested in you please contact me
    to my email.(
    so that i can tell you all about me thank you.
    don't contact me on this site because i don't
    use to be online every day.

  • Rookie Gaayatri Chandrasekharan (3/18/2013 5:08:00 AM) Post reply

    Please go through my poems and suggest ways to improve.All your criticisms and advice will be most welcome.Thanks a lot! ! !

  • Rookie Jillian Ward (3/12/2013 10:50:00 AM) Post reply

    Hey guys I just write poetry for fun but if you have time could you check out my poems?
    Thanks! I'm open to feedback!

  • Rookie Ella Pitt (3/12/2013 6:10:00 AM) Post reply

    Would really appreciate it if anybody could check out my poems particularly the newest ones

  • Rookie Pratik Jain (3/5/2013 11:14:00 PM) Post reply

    I've written a few poems on my blog.
    feel free to read and comment if any suggestions.. :)

  • Rookie - 4 Points Jessie Knaggs (3/5/2013 11:10:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    so i'm fairly new here and this is one of the poems i wrote that i think is pretty good but i would appreciate any comments on it that you could give thank you

    he cuts his arms and watched them bleed
    saying this is truly the life for me
    taking release in the pain of the blade
    but for him this is not enough
    he needs it to end enough is enough he says
    so he takes the pills
    goes to sleep
    hoping this will be his final release

    he wakes the next morning
    cry's cause he's still here
    thinking why can't it just end
    the world would be better if I was wasn't here

    then his dad walks into the room
    he sees the bottle laying on the floor
    he holds back tears and asks him why
    he said he was weak and finally broke
    his dad sits down on the bed next to him
    he looks his soon in the eyes and says this

    when I was young I was like you
    wanting to die I didn't know what to do
    one day I tried to end it all
    the next morning my best friend found me laying on the ground
    she fell down and cried and wanted to know why
    I told her I'm not worth the ground I walk on
    so who would care if I was dead

    she said many people would care if you were dead
    like me your mom your dad and your brother
    you have many friends who care a lot for you
    if you had to kill yourself in front of them what would you do
    at that moment I knew that I was worth the life I was given
    if I was gone I would break hundred hearts

    so son I hope you can see
    that if you were gone it would kill more than just you
    it would kill me your mom and all the people who care about you
    so next time you feel like killing yourself think about this
    if you had to do it in front of the people you care about
    would you be able to go through with it

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie - 4 Points Jillian Ward (3/12/2013 11:01:00 AM) Post reply

      Very moving and emotional, however consider making the message more powerful with word choice. Great job though!

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