Critiques and Revision


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  • Rookie - 274 Points Susmita Kumari (1/13/2015 3:58:00 AM) Post reply
    0 person liked.
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    please read this and give reviews.

    Last Moment

    the trumpets of sign of leaving begun,
    just some months left, to cry, miss
    the voyage that we' ve done till now

    the old memories haunts,
    move aside every now and then,
    fills the gaps formed in the deep of the never ending consuming mind,
    retrieve the thirst of the desert with little joys of tear,
    and soon it turns all black,
    the place where we learn, play
    and dream with all our crazy fantasies,
    sheded off quickly in the blink of eye

    the fostering of mind that have obtained
    cries loudly, deep in the core of the heart,
    strong enough to overcome, but afraid
    to take next stair of this new world

    world is like a up-down stairs,
    some falls, some lives,
    but the best part, it never stops
    whosoever may come, he' ve to go
    meet the real world, that falls aside you,
    challenges you, tries to find a place that suits you

    mind ponders it all through
    but who is responsible for this???
    yet don't know

  • Freshman - 797 Points Muhammad Farhan Ahmed (1/12/2015 1:24:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Read and comment on my poem on
    http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/golden-and-red/

    Golden And Red


    The lustre in her eyes tiffany blue
    Is as subtle as a miry leaf's dew
    Her velvety, arrow-straight hair
    Dance charismatically in the air
    Her rosy lips, her dove-white face
    Spellbinds e'ery fellow, who gaze
    Her glitz, her beguiling beauty
    She hears her praises in deep glee
    She's a bumptious beauty queen
    A proud peacock, vain and mean
    For she treasures her enticing flair
    A lover's words but to her are mere

    Replies for this message:
    • Freshman - 797 Points Melissa Robinson (1/16/2015 12:39:00 PM) Post reply

      A very vivid expression of words.! It was read very Fluently, as to put an image in my mind. A very great writing piece for sure.

  • Rookie - 10 Points Megan Ryan (1/12/2015 9:05:00 AM) Post reply

    Wings of Belief

    We were given wings
    Though their not seen
    Their right there
    Without us knowing
    Yet we are aware.

    Those unaware are grounded
    Others begin to notice
    They have a choice
    To take toward the sky.

    At first fear sweeps over
    Legs begin to quiver
    Heart begins to race
    Staring up into space.

    First step is always the hardest
    As I wonder if I can reach it
    To touch the cotton candy clouds
    Gaze upon the setting sun.

    Will I make it?
    I thought to myself
    Will I be able
    To make it up there
    Will this be a piece of cake?

    I have to try
    For me to fly
    Toward the sky
    I shall take flight.

    Spread my wings
    Swallow my fear
    Take a breath
    Time to take off.

    Wings begin to flap
    As I feel my body float
    Feet no longer touching dirt
    I was no longer on Earth.

    Slowly I open my eyes
    And to my surprise
    I was high above
    Endless sky surrounds me
    The land below was smaller.

    This must be what its like
    To feel so free and bold
    Once fear was discarded
    There was no more worry.

    With these wings
    So strong and beautiful
    There's nothing hold me back
    I'm free to fly where I please.

  • Rookie - 345 Points Jeremy Horsford (1/3/2015 3:19:00 PM) Post reply | Read 2 replies

    Dawn


    I'm in the place, just before dreams end and daily life begins. The place where
    evergreen trees are in abundance and the birds sing.

    The place where hunger is no more. The place where freedom is at the core.

    The place where the invention of peace was never needed. The place where the
    end of life never succeeded.

    The place where interracial relationships is the norm. The place where new types
    of life are borne.

    The place where god is still deemed an option. The place where the soul is still
    beyond our comprehension.

    The place where you and I meet. The place where four becomes eight feet.

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie - 345 Points Jeremy Horsford (1/4/2015 4:11:00 AM) Post reply

      C'mon Nathan, you shouldn't have to say you mean no offense. I posted the poem within this forum to be criticised.  You might be onto something, however I've had a think about your post and feel yo ... more

    • Rookie - 345 Points Nathan Beery (1/3/2015 11:54:00 PM) Post reply

      I think you should change some of your details to simple words, it would make it flow better. Ex. " just before dreams end and daily life begins" could be changed to " where the night m ... more

  • Rookie - 345 Points Jeremy Horsford (1/3/2015 3:10:00 PM) Post reply

    Continuous loop


    My corporeal form is separating from my consciousness.

    I made provisions for my incorporeal form to exist beyond the allowable
    time of existence.

    My periodic image was downloaded at the point of conception. Fractions
    of my episodic memories were downloaded.

    New memories are now subject to new authors.

    In the distant future and if my line is uninterrupted, I may see another day.

  • Freshman - 797 Points Muhammad Farhan Ahmed (1/1/2015 6:07:00 AM) Post reply

    Do read and comment on my poem.
    http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/missing-you-in-the-gentle-rain/

    The lovely rain as steady as a first, amorous kiss
    Is sombre without your fragrant presence
    For our fervent love is as deep as an abyss
    I crave to cuddle you in this icy-cold rain

    The river of my life is unnourished and dry
    Though it's drizzling amply to slake my soul
    As droughty as the black crow flying in the sky
    In seek of water to quench his profound thirst

    The songs of those maidens in the gentle shower
    Are as dulcet as your bell-like, honeyed voice
    Your three words of love are as sweet as a flower
    My heart yens to hear them again and again

    The rainy day is mirthless, dreary and blue
    Like the dull, colorless season of autumn
    The candle of my bliss is waiting for you
    To be lit up again, for it has grown dim

  • Freshman - 834 Points Lubinda Lubinda (12/31/2014 7:44:00 PM) Post reply

    The war inside me Something inside me wants to scream and shout I LOVE YOU But memories of past rejections still haunt me because they tell me that I'll end up with a broken heart! but it doesn't change the fact that; I STILL LOVE YOU! There is a war going on inside me that has not yet finished and, If you only knew the number of sleepless nights I have hadthinking about you you would realize that I LOVE YOU well, I realize that the coward in all this is me, because, you might never guess how i feel about you because i have kept my love for you silent but, what I want you to know is: I lOVE YOU

  • Freshman - 797 Points Muhammad Farhan Ahmed (12/28/2014 7:56:00 AM) Post reply

    My Mother, My Companion


    One may covet sapphires and rubies
    Or cherish and crave for jewelries
    One may long for earning ripe gold,
    I treasure her love that can't be sold.

    Jewels worn are a sight for a sore eye
    One who gathers them feels high
    Worthy knowledge is all what I'd collect
    From her, a devoted teacher I respect.

    A luscious rose sweetens the spot
    Perfumes an odorless garden a lot.
    Her tulip-sweet aroma calms my jaded mind
    All my venomous pain is then left behind.

    My mother, my companion, my sincere friend
    Never shall our valuable love end
    A Rafflesia dies in a day or another
    But a mother lives in a heart forever

    Rate my poem on http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/my-mother-my-companion/

  • Freshman - 797 Points Muhammad Farhan Ahmed (12/23/2014 12:16:00 PM) Post reply

    Alone And Wretched


    Alone in the sun sweats a sombre flower
    Neither ever kissed by butterflies
    Nor ever praised to the skies

    Alone in the sky lies the moon so fair
    Among a thousand stars feels it shy
    Why is it the only moon in the sky?

    Alone the duckling so gray and ugly
    Felt so bittersweet, glum and queer
    While the swans were exquisitely fair

    Alone the sun so bright and splendent
    Feels so wistful, sad and melancholic
    Why is it hated though it's so resplendent?

    Alone and wretched I stand too like them
    Like a cloud drizzling in the sky
    Forlorn in the dusk quietly I cry

    :) Please rate my poem out of ten on this link: http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/alone-and-wretched/

  • Rookie - 165 Points Mapung Madura (12/20/2014 11:02:00 AM) Post reply

    Swept The Sound in The Night

    me
    and the Moon
    settles tiptoe
    behind the wall clock
    ticking
    swept the sound
    in The Night

    Rose's Crown
    grooming
    seducing
    nge-Blink
    like Jewellery
    for a Bandit
    a pistol
    pull out from
    the holster
    cock-head
    a pistil
    two bodies
    became Castle

    ' Hello Hello How Low?' 3x

    Dooor! ! !

    baby's cried
    shouted
    me and the Moon nyengir
    settles tiptoe
    wrapped in the tongue-cloth

    think thrice to play your pistol at midnight,
    or your baby beside

    CRY.

    note:
    nge-Blink = Blinking
    Nyengir = Grin

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    . .

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