Treasure Island

Critiques and Revision


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  • Imoh Richard Rookie - 1st Stage (8/25/2014 11:39:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    my first hunter poem.......need the criticking... please

    Come on children, lets sing a song
    Come on children, lets sing a song
    Lets sing of fields soo green
    Lets sing of sky so blue
    Lets sing of happy birds clapping feathers so hued

    Come on children, lets sing a song
    Lets sing of the earth so great
    Lets sing of heroes decades a gone
    Whose brave legs troded the soil beneath our feet

    Come on children, lets sing a song
    Lets sing of the ocean so vast
    Lets sing of the whale basking in the sun
    Of crocs with an open mouth
    Waiting for the next meal
    God saves the unwary prey

    Come on children, lets sing a song
    Of the wonders all around
    Lets sing pocohontas song
    With the voices of the mount
    Lets sing of the colours all around
    Painting visions even davinci cant

    Come on children, lets sing a song
    Of mother nature and her alone
    Come on children, lets sing a song
    Our last for mother earth
    The sky is dark
    Fields ablaze in reddish inferno
    Chirping birds roasting in the heat
    Or in furnace of the VIP

    Come on children, lets sing a song
    For its about to rain
    But Alas, its not a rain
    For mother mature cries
    And we,
    Only we
    Will get flooded by her tears

    Come on children
    Lets sing a dirge
    For alas, we sing
    A song we will never sing again.

    …………….. Imoh Richard.

    Replies for this message:
    • Melikhaya Zagagana Rookie - 1st Stage (8/30/2014 8:52:00 AM) Post reply

      I think it is a beautiful piece Richard you can go ahead and post more i would like to read them.

  • Mohammad Skati Bronze Star - 4th Stage (8/23/2014 9:48:00 AM) Post reply

    If I criticize or comment on a certain poem, I want to pay attention to other members to be objective or at least not to take personal stand........ Criticism is great when achieving its aim. Thanks.

  • Mohammad Skati Bronze Star - 4th Stage (8/22/2014 4:29:00 AM) Post reply

    Critics are welcome if they estimate any poem only objectively to make good relations with other members. Thanks.

  • Laura Torres Rookie - 1st Stage (8/21/2014 3:49:00 PM) Post reply

    Mysterious Truth

    Not truly but insincerely
    wandering here and there, lost, floating
    Eyes darting everywhere,
    Heart squeezing seeming to not have enough space
    To pump life’s blood properly
    Through the endless cycle of breathe in, breathe out
    Tremble in my hand making me enforce the law,
    Stand still silly thing,
    Singing not allowed by the marshal’s silent shout!
    Loneliness prevails within the deepest crevice
    The slightest breeze brings it rushing forth
    Grinning insanely
    Be gone!
    Aching, stretching, reaching
    Foolishness or madness I don’t know which
    Doesn’t matter either or will be the same
    Words of pain, strength, passion a prism of emotions
    Passed out like playing cards evoking the word upon them
    Almost like magic
    Giggles gurgling within at such folly
    Truth or mystery can’t decipher maybe both
    A mysterious truth can it be?

  • Mohammad Skati Bronze Star - 4th Stage (8/21/2014 11:21:00 AM) Post reply

    Objective criticism of any poem enriches the poet and his poetry any time.

  • Abekah Emmanuel Freshman - 2nd Stage (8/20/2014 5:59:00 AM) Post reply

    Dear my fellow hunters,
    I wish to draw your attention that my new poem is out.....it is entitled.....ALL BUT DREAMS........... Please read, rate and comment on it as well. I would be equally grateful to receive a more personal criticisms from any poet. Thank you all and have a nice day!

  • Denise Naidoo Rookie - 1st Stage (8/17/2014 4:03:00 AM) Post reply

    hi guys! Please check out my spoken word below

    http://www.mixcloud.com/LyricallyInspired/building-walls/

    Let me know what you think! : -) Advice appreciated! ! ! ! !

    Much Love!

  • Tim Dolan Rookie - 1st Stage (8/3/2014 11:27:00 PM) Post reply

    -I want to go forward (a song of young love)

    We go forward
    Forward
    We go
    Together together
    Go forward
    March
    Forward
    We go forward
    Don’t stop
    Go forward
    We go forward
    Because I
    Go forward
    We go forward
    Don’t stop
    Don’t stop
    Can’t stop
    Will not stop
    March forward
    Because I
    Cannot stop
    Will not stop
    Don’t stop
    Go forward
    You must
    Go forward
    Ahead ahead
    In front
    Ahead
    Please
    Go forward
    Please Go
    Don’t stop
    Never stop
    I will go
    I will not stop
    I will go I will go I will go

    Because I
    Can
    I can
    I know I can
    I will go
    Because I can
    I must
    not stop
    I can’t stop
    Never stop
    Ahead
    Forward
    I can’t stop
    I won’t stop
    Who could stop me
    I can’t stop
    I go forward
    Please don’t stop me
    I can’t stop
    Please don’t stop me
    Only you only you
    You, you only

    I am here I am here
    For the first time
    I am here
    Present
    The first, the last
    The only
    I am here
    I am present
    Afraid afraid
    I am here
    Stay here stay here
    Together
    Lie down
    Together
    Don’t go
    Lay a while
    No need to go
    Stop
    Don’t go don’t go
    Lay a while
    Until you don’t want to go
    There is no need to go
    Stop
    Don’t go

    We dress well we dress well
    I am change
    I have changed
    I am change
    Leave it behind
    Presence
    Behind
    And out of the way
    We dress well
    We go forward
    We are change
    Dressed well dressed well
    Undressed
    Undress
    Undressed
    Undress undress undress
    Nothing between nothing between
    Freedom
    Nothing between us
    The night
    Leave it behind
    Nothing between
    Ahead ahead ahead
    Dressed well

    Dance with me
    I will feel
    You will feel
    I won’t go I won’t go
    Everything will be alright
    Alright
    Everything will
    I won’t go
    Dance with me
    We could be in love
    in love
    We could we could
    We can
    We will
    Will will will will will
    You will feel alright
    Everything will be alright
    I could be alright
    I should be alright
    If we fall in love
    I will be alright
    I’m not afraid
    Don’t be afraid
    Dance with me
    We will fall in love
    Dance with me
    Dance and fall
    And fall and fall and fall
    I will follow, I will fall
    Fall
    So I can follow
    Behind behind behind
    I am here I am present
    I promise
    I am here
    I can follow, I can fall

    This is true this is true
    When we fall
    It will be true
    I have seen
    I know I know I know
    I have seen
    This is true
    Let go
    To fly and fall
    To fly and fall
    I will fly
    We will not fall
    We will fly
    We must fly
    Fly and not fall
    Dream
    Imagine and dream
    Fly but do not fall
    Let’s go
    Ahead
    I will go
    Follow, please follow
    I will fly
    I must fly
    I need to fly
    Fly with me
    Please follow

    I want to go forward
    I want to go forward
    I want to go forward
    I want to go forward
    I want to go forward
    I want to go forward
    I want to go
    I want to go
    I want to go
    I want to go

  • Jeffrey Gonell Rookie - 1st Stage (7/29/2014 3:44:00 PM) Post reply

    The Light of Your Smile

    The light of your smile, shines with the color of heaven,
    You are the Angel I seek, to guild me through my lessons.
    The light of you smile, shines with the plasma of stars,
    Your beauty takes me to the cosmos, out so very far.
    The light of your smile, gave me the desire to rise,
    Up to your level of expectation, and transform into your kind of guy.
    The light of your smile, woke me up and brought me to life,
    Your profound love, gave me the wings that flew me above the skies.

    Your smile leaves me hypnotized, mystified, and synchronized,
    With your eyes, when closing mine, your lips are all I could visualize.
    The light of your smile, takes me over with style, leaving me synthesized,
    With thoughts of you walking down the aisle, your body I want to privatize.

    The light of your smile, struck me and opened my eyes,
    Those rays of love, shun new hopes of happiness into my life.
    The light of your smile, gave me the experience of you,
    Leaving me with the desire to hold you, kiss you, and make you my boo.
    The light of your smile, took me out of a bad dream,
    You rescued me with your love, love only you could bring.
    The light of your smile, zapped me and left my life in sparks,
    Sometimes it's hard for me to believe, that I once lived so sad and dark.

    Your smile leaves me hypnotized, mystified, and synchronized,
    With your eyes, when closing mine, your lips are all I could visualize.
    The light of your smile, takes me over with style, leaving me synthesized,
    With thoughts of you walking down the aisle, your body I want to privatize.

    By Jeffrey Gonell

  • Morgan Patterson Rookie - 1st Stage (7/22/2014 10:10:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    A poem about Scottish independance.

    The 19th

    We wake up and feel nothing,
    No nerves, worry or excitement,
    Gone are the ideas and energy,
    Our slumber continues,
    We cement our lethargy,

    Sinking back into the cozy periphery,
    With no control of our future,
    We revel in our misery,
    The weight of change lay heavy on us all,
    But apathy will soon have us back in its thrall,

    And so we’re left waiting,
    For the drudgery to continue,
    The poor to get poorer,
    Greed and Corruption our virtue,

    Have we picked the easy option?
    A path we deplore,
    So now this is it,
    What’s left to hope for?

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