Treasure Island

Critiques and Revision


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  • Rashi Mandot (1/11/2013 4:40:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    The curved body I saw,
    Shaped with sublimity to owe,
    Eyes not ready to miss a sight,
    The desire to praise the whole night.
    Running through the door,
    Glance of the shadow on the floor,
    Delusion to stay with the shadow,
    Cherish the conquered phase.
    A blush and your turning red cheek,
    The most sweetest thing to live for,
    I will be living for the moment to be yours.
    Passion to bring back the broken pieces,
    Your sublime look making it harder,
    Born with the exquisite smile,
    Privilege of being yours is all I want.
    Tonight, Turn your back waiting to adore you all the time,
    The reason to have memories is you as mine,
    A downpour of love is met,
    Your heart is pure to be mine but I promise to be the forever royalty.

  • Geongs Zhern (1/1/2013 12:44:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    Mystical song

    By Geongs Zhern(??)2012.11.30
    http://blog.sciencenet.cn/blog-289142-637979.html
    author's blog: http://blog.sciencenet.cn/u/warlong

    Yu! It’s dark and dark, quiet and quiet,

    Has it disappeared or existed?

    Oh! It’s phantom and phantom,

    It originally had no name.



    Who have mixed it to form a whole?

    I feel like something flowing is so cool!



    It can be so small that have no inside,

    but they are in the same state;

    It can be so large that have no outside,

    this is super-symmetrical universe.



    If it only has space but no time,

    this is so-called the beginning;

    If the volume is limited but no border,

    this is so-called occult.



    Getting stationary has no direction,

    so the initial number is the pure quantity;

    Quantum tunnel through potential barrier,

    and conformate the magical superfield.



    Perhaps global entanglement was at the beginning,

    just it dominated the singularity of Taiji;

    Vacuum ripple by interfering and perturbation,

    so universal gravitation be present in it.



    Among fluctuations of the field of vacuum,

    quantum bubbles are spinning;

    Between zero and one,

    quantum information be transmitting.



    Each point in space follows the same rule,

    and their metric keep covariant;

    The observation in any directions is uniformity,

    and their distribution follow the fractal law;



    The cosmic brane is inflating constantly,

    those galaxies fly away us after redshift rule;

    In the cosmic microwave background,

    Be still echoing the music of Big Bang.



    Ah! Though the vacuum is so unreal,

    the quintessence exist in it after all;

    Oh! If the intuition see through everything,

    we can wander with Dao freely.

  • Gareth Penny (12/22/2012 5:31:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply Stage

    False Love

    Have you ever wanted someone that they controlled what you did?
    Have you ever chased something that turned out myth?
    Have you ever had a reality that was not shared?
    Have you ever felt magic that was not paired?
    Did you see honesty within her when she looked in your eyes?
    How did it feel when you knew it had been lies?
    Have you ever felt that your world seemed complete?
    How did it feel when it turned out a cheat?
    Did you ever think someone could be so cold?
    When you were warned by others,
    But disagreed with the mould.
    When you make a bed in your thoughts questioning how could this be?
    Your chest feels heavy,
    How could this happen to me?
    When you look for her picture,
    Scan you phone,
    Are you all alone?
    ‘Stop it at once I say! ’
    Just give it some time,
    Open the curtains to a new pantomime.
    For life holds so many wonders to be wrapped up in hurt,
    So pick up your shoes,
    And shake of the dirt.
    Go to sleep each day,
    When you awake it will feel better,
    Soon you will look back,
    And not regret that day when you met her.

    Replies for this message:
    • Denise Woodhouse (1/8/2013 1:24:00 PM) Post reply Stage

      A very interesting poem. I especially like the phrase " ...when you make a bed in your thoughts..." Personally I would tweak the grammar in one or two places. Let me know if you'd like t ... more

  • Tiffany Baldwin (12/18/2012 11:11:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    HI. I just added my newest write. It is called " The Feeling Within" .., if you have time I have very few poems but if you would like to read and comment on them you are more than welcome. I love feedback. I am new at this and it actually helps motivate me in a way.

    " The Feeling Within"

    I wish I could tell you what I feel when I am around anyone but me.

    Its true... I feel every emotion they are feeling, at that moment you see.

    I must say at times it is amazing, other peoples emotions dancing through my skin,

    The love, the excitement, the comforting energy that flows deep within.

    But, I am here to write for a reason, to let all the pain inside out,

    If not for my words to write you see, i'd be lost without a doubt.

    I feel like I am lost, lost somewhere mixed in with all of you,

    I can no longer tell which are mine anymore, which emotions are really true.

    There are not enough words in my vocabulary to describe what your feelings are doing to me,

    I wish you could keep them to yourself sometimes, stay out of my bubble and allow me to be.

    I won't blame you, because I know, that it is completely out of your hands,

    This is something that I would never wish for.. It was never a part of my plans.

    It's not only the joy and love inside of anyone who comes close to me,

    There's also the fear, the hurt, and the pain, I'm ready to run and flee.

    I feel it all from good to bad, I need to learn how to turn it down,

    For fear of my own emotions getting lost, they are quickly beginning to drown.

    Thank you for any feedback in advance!

  • Julianna O'bar (12/18/2012 10:14:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    I would appreciate any advice or constructive critisism on my poem that you can give. Thank you!


    We Write On

    We've been scolded, scorned, warned,
    Yet, still, we write on.

    We've been beaten, whipped, tortured,
    Yet, still, we write on.

    We've been rounded up, jailed, exiled,
    Yet, still, we write on.
    " Why continue?" We're often asked.
    " Why punish yourself with the pen?"

    " You know you'll be scolded or beaten or jailed,
    " So why press on and face the consequences?"

    The answer lies not in the words we write,
    But in the life they give us.

    Who doesn't want immortality?
    Greater men have died for it.

    Those who write the truth, no matter the cost,
    Will live in his words until the world ends.

    So, for as long as there are the pen and paper,
    We will always write on

  • Makayla Johnson (12/18/2012 4:08:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    I would very much like it if someone could critique my poem. It's always good to know what I can improve on.


    What Is Life?

    What is life?
    Fire light,
    a question asked,
    a layered mask
    of fear and thought and love,
    of the dove
    the one that flies
    asking whys
    as it glides on broken wings.

    Oh, he sings,
    and it rings
    and it lingers in the air
    past the fair
    golden hair of a lion.
    And he's cryin'
    and he's livin' for the kill
    and the spill
    of the blood.

    A bleeding flood
    seeping down
    past the frown
    upon the face
    of a women dressed in lace,
    of the chase of the land
    in the sand
    waterfall
    leaping, dying all
    a rusty red.

    In my head,
    oh the light
    in the eyes of the life
    always fight for the everlasting will!
    Makes no sence, take the pill
    brings a sail of golden hope
    to be crushed, washed with soap,
    clean and dead.

    Oh the river's full of lead,
    dark and flowing
    poison glowing,
    specked with gold
    in the mold
    sold for life
    but worth nothing, strife
    is what it brings.

    And still he sings!
    The broken dove
    who brings love,
    and tears away
    another day
    we will die
    and leap through the sky
    to an abyss,
    to the mist.
    to the lost and the forgotten,
    the spoiled and the rotten
    underground.

    Never found,
    never thought,
    life has left and sought
    out newer, better forms
    in the empty,
    never tempt me
    to burn again.

    Put out by rain,
    I've been slain by the knife.

    What is life?

  • Madhuparna Chakraborty (12/17/2012 7:42:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    any criticism and revision on this piece will be appreciated...


    Chance

    A tap on the shoulders recklessly
    tempting are the stranger paths,
    fate beckons that intrepid adventurer in me.

    As i peep into the realms unknown,
    worthy soul is wooed and the quest begins.
    Twin spirits of Romance and Adventure is sown.

    Pray! Engage with wit and verve it said,
    into this enigma called Romance,
    aimlessly and uncalculatingly forging ahead.

    Seek perils, seek mystery, the clues of adventure,
    and all that is slipped into your fingers.
    Nay, not for fame or crown, name or treasures.

    And then, perchance, you will see,
    splendid figures seeking the golden fleece
    was specious in its entirety.

  • Sarah Mohyla (12/15/2012 2:12:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    Hey I just uploaded some new poems and i'd love if you could read them and post your comments! I'd love your advice!

  • Austin Straussfield (12/14/2012 7:56:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    Check this out peeps, though a little rough...your advice and criticism is would go a long way to smoothen my writings...
    Quietly bending my pride,
    for you to become my bride
    so as to have a smooth ride
    till a child comes our way.
    Take this not as dried
    or too crunchy fried.
    But rather be mild,
    and see me as wild
    with no where to hide
    'trying to pass the tide
    created by your dad...'

  • Nkosana Mpofu (12/3/2012 3:21:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    Hi poets, poetry lovers and writers - I have posted 2 poems on this site namely; African sunset and Transitions: A hobo's view. Please may I ask you to read, critique and rate these pieces and I will do the same to your work.

    Thank you - happy reading.

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