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Critiques and Revision

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  • Suvidha Koul (2/3/2013 10:36:00 PM) Post reply

    This is a poem i wrote learnin from my experiences n usin simple words. Honest critics
    r welcome. Its titled as

    contradicting truth

    U dnt always love da things u lyk
    N nor do u always like da things u love
    Mind n heart  dnt always coordinate wid each oder
    n  feelings n thots wnt always harmonize together.
    Da choices u make arnt always 1 u aimed for
    Sometimes da things dat u gt attached to,
    R dose, dat once  u loathed  a lot.
    It feels as if der r 2 people in 1 person
    One thotful n intelligentN oder sensitive n careless
    Dey dnt get along really well
    Ders always sum cold war between dem
    Intelligence suggests da way to mre profit n happiness
    Sensitivity dsnt  knw wat it wants n goes newhwre
    Its lyk a combinatn of animal n machine
    Animal follows love, lyk a dog
    All it wants is beautiful wrld n in it ‘u wid me'
    But machine thinks a lot n always wants to get better
    betr features, mre programmes n faster processors
    machine can never love n dog can never b  selfish
    dog will never leave u n machine will sumday expire to rubbish.
    Time  does show u ur different type(s)
     wat  u can b n wat u can never  evn try,  
    u do things dat u never dreamt of doin in lyf.
    N end up runnin away frm those, dat wer once prized.
    U go on searchin 4 happiness in all parts of world
    N jus wen u think u got it, it will slip away on da road.
    Den u stop tryin so hard n get back to wat u always did
    N realize nothing else made u happier ‘dan, Wat u wer tryin to gt  rid.
    Beautiful things n beautiful people
    Can make u happy  4 a while
    But dat will fade, after u jus get away half a mile.
    But people who love u 4 whoever u are
    No mater hw far u go, u take der happy thots along.
    Der presence r absence dsnt matter, ,   n nor does der stayin far
    As dey walk wid u wherever u go, Cause dey  r always present  in ur heart.

  • Tasruzzaman Babu (2/3/2013 7:13:00 PM) Post reply

    X-ism: At the second floor of the land-lord house

    At the second floor of the land-lord house
    A lantern gleams all night long
    Its light can be seen beyond the sash of window
    When nocturnal birds also return to nest
    The eyes of stars are languished due to drowsiness
    Footfall is already stopped
    Fireflies are also tired by sparkling light
    The voice of cricket are also chocking
    In a room of the second floor of the land-lord house
    A lantern flickers dimly
    All night long…

  • Christopher Mcnabb (2/1/2013 5:20:00 AM) Post reply

    My Love

    Empty shadows on the floor
    Cast empty voices at my door
    Half the substance they were before
    Half the voices are no more

    Ask the shadows wheres your vail
    Why does your countanence seem so pale
    Answering simply without fail
    " I need your soul, is it for sale?"

    All my days I live my curse
    Flesh and bone make it worse
    I cannot give you whats is not mine
    My sweet and sour valentine

    With much anger it did insist
    To run cold steel across my wrist
    I answered simply with a twist
    Death resides upon my lips

    He has been there since my birth
    All my days I live my curse
    I cannot give you what is not mine
    My sweet and sour valentine

    Empty shadows on the wall
    With their voice they do call
    Beyond autumn winters fall
    Beyond the seers crystal ball

    Ask me why I stand and fight
    Sorrows weeping in the night
    I cannot quit to much to do
    I cannot give my life to you

    Yet it makes a sound appeal
    And offers me another deal
    A life of envy, so surreal
    Stop. Listen. Hush. Be still

    I cannot give you what is not mine
    My sweet and sour valentine

  • Christopher Mcnabb (2/1/2013 12:25:00 AM) Post reply

    Field Of Fox

    What a simple mind has done.
    Just can't see beyond their tongue.
    Open their mouths and the truth is born.
    All so lucky their thoughts don't swarm.

    You just can't buy, shaman's tongue.
    Let their smoke fill your lung.
    To read the future all so clear.
    To many variables for that my dear.

    The future is a treasure we've yet to behold.
    It is left for us to shape and mold.

    You just can't buy, soothsayer's vision.
    When they have fault in their own decision.
    Our impending, each choice unlocks.
    All just rabbit, in the field of fox.

  • Christopher Mcnabb (1/26/2013 12:39:00 AM) Post reply

    Hello I am new to site, I do not right long poems to bog down the mind,
    though I do appreciate a good read regardless of length. You may like my
    style, you may not. And appreciate any comments or critisizms.

  • Jessie Knaggs Rookie - 1st Stage (1/24/2013 2:42:00 PM) Post reply

    hello i'm new to poetry writing and would greatly appercete a feedback on the poems i've written to help me improve as a poet. thank you very much.

  • Yasmeen Khan Rookie - 1st Stage (1/22/2013 5:35:00 AM) Post reply

    Hi! everyone
    Please read and review my poems.

  • Ketan Hukare Rookie - 1st Stage (1/20/2013 2:23:00 AM) Post reply

    Please read and comment on my new poem SPELLBOUND.
    Waiting for response............ :)

  • Ella Pitt Rookie - 1st Stage (1/17/2013 7:02:00 AM) Post reply

    Would really appreciate it if anybody could take the time to read my latest poems 'Vacuous' and 'Wednesday Night'

  • Ash .... Rookie - 1st Stage (1/17/2013 1:39:00 AM) Post reply

    With the last note (fading music)

    Where did we go wrong?
    Where did we lose control?
    What happened to the fairy-tale we once lived?
    What happened to the dreams we once had?
    A cabin of hope was built over months yet shattered overnight with just one fight
    Rumors tipped the scales, we lost our balance and we took two steps back
    Two steps into our garden and now all that remains are trampled flowers of trust
    Anger made the melody, so we sang along with hurtful lyrics
    Took a deep breath of disappointment so we exhaled some silence
    Hurricane heart break was devastating and up to now my heart remains an exhibit
    Once upon a time our heartbeat made the music and our romance wrote the lyrics
    But as melody of love goes on I fear the last note
    because with the last note of this song, this heart might just stop beating

    Clouds cleared the day I met you and a melody began
    With every note of that melody my heart beat to a new rhythm
    Took a couple of steps and found myself on a mountain top
    With a leap of faith I landed in your heart
    A place warmed by affection and showered by love
    You were different from the rest so I had to ask
    You were amazing so I took a moment to appreciate
    Before I knew it, loving you was my lifestyle
    Every word was precious so time wasn't wasted
    I loved you for the person I grew to know and not just for what I saw
    In my head it all started with one question but soon it was all a fairy-tale
    Dropped the game of cards because I couldn't bear to lose a queen of hearts
    You weren't perfect; I was more than a mess
    Mathematics would say 70% +30% = 100%
    So complement + complement should give completion of this set
    We weren't the one's to take the credit because God made it work
    We loved the music so we danced to every note
    But now I ask what happened to the music coz it's starting to fade
    If it's what I did please let me know
    Silence never made music so it won't help this song
    These battle scars don't look like they are fading,
    I just hope it isn't going to be one of us fading as the music draws to the last note

    I never knew what love was so you made me listen to the music
    The Keyboard played a key in a G flat for kindness
    The flute made a harmony of patience
    The guitar made an acoustic echo of forgiveness
    The bass of the drums told a story of endurance and hope
    I was never good at picking a band but this I know,
    There was no trumpet of selfishness that stole the show
    No one played the cello of pride
    The lyrics kept no record of mistakes made in rehearsal
    Though not perfect, the notes left no room for irritation
    Day and night that song played in my heart dedicated to you
    It was none other than the song of love
    We were two worlds apart but since one heart was in place, one rhythm was heard
    Pardon the rules I broke and tell Santa I was a good boy coz all I want is one Christmas wish
    If I had one wish, loving you defines my Christmas wish list
    Shadows may fade with the sunset, but let not this love fade away with the passage of time
    Silence doesn't mean I'm avoiding you,
    If you are looking for me I'm in the other room waiting on my knees
    Praying that the last note of this song lasts forever
    because it's a note of love I dedicated to you

    We say heart beat makes the music
    So before the last note plays, please forgive me
    We say heart beat makes the music,
    So with the last note I hope you hear me
    Let the last note last forever
    because the last note says I love you

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