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Critiques and Revision

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  • Makayla Johnson (10/1/2012 2:00:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Hi, I wrote this poem in a different style than I normally use and I was wondering if I could get some critiques. And please, constructive criticism is very welcome.

    Love Is Ugly

    What a brutal thing.
    such an ugly thing.
    I'll tell you right now
    that love will never be
    pretty, never fully joyous,
    never golden. Love is ugly,
    love is stone grey and
    dusty brown, love is
    mutated green and smells
    like death.
    Smells like death....

    Love is a knife in
    your heart, a dagger
    through the eyes.
    Love blinds and deafens and
    defeats. Love beats you,
    love kills you,
    love kicks dirt in your eyes.
    Love is envy and greed and
    fire and ice and sorrow
    and joy and wonder and fear.
    Love kills and destroys
    and keeps pulling you back.

    Love drags and claws and rips
    and tears, love stains
    your face with tears.
    Love is a frozen flame,
    cold and hot and warm and
    solid and slippery and
    melting away.
    Love grabs you with scaly hands
    and holds with scarves and mittens.
    Love scars and burns and eats
    away your soul.

    Love is brutal and relentless
    and won't leave you alone.
    Won't leave you alone....
    Love hurts and tortures and
    rakes claws down your back,
    plants wings in your shoulders,
    throws you out the window
    and assumes you know how to fly.

    Love is the worst and the best,
    love is painful and never-ending,
    love raises hopes and
    crushes them like bugs.
    Happiness is the illusion,
    love is fear and hurt and cold...
    So cold...
    Love is rain, flooding and drowning
    and rushing through, splashing
    and racing in a current.

    Love takes you away and
    forces you back.
    Love is ugly.
    Love isn't hearts and flowers,
    not candy and pillows.
    Love is blazing and burning
    and aching and breaking.
    Love swarms like wasps
    and hornets and pecking,
    clawing crows.
    Love tears out your eyes
    and ears and throat,
    love fills you to the brim
    and you burst and fall
    and sink down and down
    and down forever.

    Love is ugly.
    Love is painful.
    Love is brutal.
    Love attacks
    and bites
    and never lets go.
    But the funny thing is
    once it's got you,
    you can't get enough.

    Replies for this message:
    • Ruby Honeytip (10/3/2012 11:31:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

      Descriptive, illustrative......and pretty accurate! Love bites: -) This is my latest- I Have..I Give. This is not a tiny man made thing Like religion or money. This is a Mother Nature thi ... more

  • Ruby Honeytip (9/29/2012 10:52:00 PM) Post reply | Read 2 replies

    Sunflower Harvest
    I want to warm you like the sun,  
    Heal your hurts with a whisper. 
    I want to seal my lips with your smile,  
    And show my devotion,  
    In a million silent ways.
    Let me be your buttoned up confidante,  
    Just so I can stay your quiet darling of spring
    And forever bloom in your direction.

    What do you think?

    Replies for this message:
  • Gjc Brisso (9/29/2012 10:24:00 AM) Post reply

    hi poets if anyone has the time to read some of my pieces that would be great thanking you Gjc Boyle

  • Titto Mutny (9/27/2012 8:16:00 AM) Post reply

    Hi poets, ,
    Wd lyk to hear your views on


  • $arah Pillai (9/27/2012 3:56:00 AM) Post reply

    Hi Daniel,

    Would like to know what you think:

    Thanks! ^_^

  • Daniel Einstein (9/26/2012 6:17:00 PM) Post reply

    Here I am again guys, just wanted to let you know, I am back on duty, feel free to send me at least two of your
    Favorite poems that you have written and I will accordingly rate them and comment on them to the best of my ability.
    Have a great day.

  • Makayla Johnson (9/25/2012 4:04:00 PM) Post reply

    Hey, all....
    Well, I'm pretty new here and I was wondering if anyone would be willing to give me some critiques on my work. Please be honest, a string of good reviews is always nice to see, but is in no way helpful. Don't be afraid to criticize me, I'd love to see how I can improve. My poems can get a bit dark at times though not gruesome or anything like that. I tend to write about the mind a lot. Madness, hallucinations, mental torment, things like that. I only have a few poems up right now but I will be posting a lot more soon. I'd love if someone could give me a few critiques on the ones I have up now. I'd love to know what you think of my writing.

    Thank you for your time.

  • Ruby Honeytip (9/24/2012 3:38:00 PM) Post reply

    Like a Boss
    She wants to watch the base of his throat as he throws his head back to laugh
    She wants to smell the ocean through the pine trees and hear her own soft whimper as he bends to kiss her.
    She wants to feel him whisper sweet, crazy words close to her ear and delight in the hidden shivers he brings to the depths of her
    She wants to feel the heat from his hand burn her thigh
    She wants to pull his sweet breath into her chest and hold it until she knows it has travelled to the centre of her.
    She wants permission to stand close...very close
    Can he tell that his name starts deep inside her and rings and rings and rings?.......
    Then she opens her eyes and, ever ladylike, crosses her legs, hands folded over her knees, as the world comes back to focus
    She wonders if this too shall pass
    So she can get back to work!  
    Ruby Honeytip

  • inro Lavil (9/22/2012 7:07:00 AM) Post reply

    Please critique my poem " The Time Speaks"

    Thank you.

  • Lily Phelps (9/20/2012 9:20:00 PM) Post reply

    Hi everyone. Um, I don't exactly just want a comment. I would like come critique on my poetry. I've been told my poems are very good and very deep and emotional, and I can maybe understand how they can hit home, but I just don't think they're as good as people say they are. I would like some suggestions for improvement, if possible. I'll do the same for you guys, if you like. Just message me and send me names of the poem or what not.

    Thank you in advance...~

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