Critiques and Revision


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  • Pratik Jain (3/5/2013 11:14:00 PM) Post reply

    http://d-baaz.blogspot.in/

    I've written a few poems on my blog.
    feel free to read and comment if any suggestions.. :)

  • Jessie Knaggs (3/5/2013 11:10:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    so i'm fairly new here and this is one of the poems i wrote that i think is pretty good but i would appreciate any comments on it that you could give thank you


    he cuts his arms and watched them bleed
    saying this is truly the life for me
    taking release in the pain of the blade
    but for him this is not enough
    he needs it to end enough is enough he says
    so he takes the pills
    goes to sleep
    hoping this will be his final release

    he wakes the next morning
    cry's cause he's still here
    thinking why can't it just end
    the world would be better if I was wasn't here

    then his dad walks into the room
    he sees the bottle laying on the floor
    he holds back tears and asks him why
    he said he was weak and finally broke
    his dad sits down on the bed next to him
    he looks his soon in the eyes and says this

    when I was young I was like you
    wanting to die I didn't know what to do
    one day I tried to end it all
    the next morning my best friend found me laying on the ground
    she fell down and cried and wanted to know why
    I told her I'm not worth the ground I walk on
    so who would care if I was dead

    she said many people would care if you were dead
    like me your mom your dad and your brother
    you have many friends who care a lot for you
    if you had to kill yourself in front of them what would you do
    at that moment I knew that I was worth the life I was given
    if I was gone I would break hundred hearts

    so son I hope you can see
    that if you were gone it would kill more than just you
    it would kill me your mom and all the people who care about you
    so next time you feel like killing yourself think about this
    if you had to do it in front of the people you care about
    would you be able to go through with it

    Replies for this message:
    • Jillian Ward (3/12/2013 11:01:00 AM) Post reply

      Very moving and emotional, however consider making the message more powerful with word choice. Great job though!

  • Matthew Luxford (3/1/2013 3:12:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    I've just started writing poetry, this is about my fifth poem (haven't showed anyone any of my work before) . Was interested in anyone's thoughts, good or bad - even something I should look into.

    Any who, this one I wrote is about smoking and its delicious, albeit debilitating nectar.

    My psychological dependence keeps you close,
    Never leaving me for a moment too long,
    My lungs re-unite with you my friend Trojan,
    My body becomes limp, filled with your ecstasy,
    My mind becomes a free flowing river,
    Connecting tributaries previously unmapped,
    I don't want to lose this feeling, please don't leave me,
    I become concerned with our distant separation, your absence leaves me reeling,
    Unaware of your commitment issues, your promise of return never makes up for your brief stay, I want that feeling, please come back.

    Replies for this message:
    • Faustina Marie (3/1/2013 6:44:00 PM) Post reply

      i must say, i absolutely hate smoking because of my father, but this poem is very well written. the " please don't leave me" and " please come back" feel a bit forced. the emotion ... more

  • Aria Siren (2/26/2013 3:57:00 PM) Post reply

    Calling All Poets:
    My name is Aria. I am passionate about poetry and many other forms of art. I love when poems surprise me or inspire me. I would love honest feedback on any of my poems. If you comment, I'll be happy to return the favour.
    Thanks,

    -Aria Siren

  • M Candelaria (2/14/2013 10:53:00 PM) Post reply

    Hi friends,
    I would like to improve my work, and your comments and suggestions would be really appreciated. Thank you.

  • Eyo Justice Ellis (2/13/2013 6:25:00 PM) Post reply

    Hello beautiful people! I just updated my profile on poem hunter and added some poems to my profile. Please read, like, and comment on my poems. you could also send me messages and share your poems with me. it would a great pleasure reading, and writing poetry with you.

  • Jennifer Rothgordt (2/7/2013 8:09:00 PM) Post reply

    One Wonders
    Would love to hear comments and reviews about my poetry
    Latest example,


    One Wonders
    One wonders what the world would do,
    If each word spoken, from this point, were true.
    If every expression of emotion or reason, real!
    How would this make mankind feel?
    If a childs hunger could be fed by trust.
    If respect for women was made a must!
    No more hurt, no more pain, no more crime, no more shame.
    No more deaths in religions name!
    No more acts of desperation!
    No more feelings of deep frustration!
    Could this heal our global nation?!


    Jennifer Rothgordt

  • Benson Don (2/5/2013 2:58:00 PM) Post reply

    I just published a new poem, it is titled 'Man Is'. I want you guys to check it out and creatively critizise it.

  • Suvidha Koul (2/3/2013 11:38:00 PM) Post reply

    being positive.....
    bigger mistakes give bigger lessons
    worst things happen for better reasons
    if you really want it, do whatevr
    cause may be its now or never
    you should risk it
    only if its worth it
    cause its never known before
    if its only gona hurt  more
    so better be honest n simple
    dan lie n tremble
    trusting easily is a big threat
    as its better dying than live with regret.

  • Suvidha Koul (2/3/2013 10:36:00 PM) Post reply

    This is a poem i wrote learnin from my experiences n usin simple words. Honest critics
    r welcome. Its titled as

    contradicting truth

    U dnt always love da things u lyk
    N nor do u always like da things u love
    Mind n heart  dnt always coordinate wid each oder
    n  feelings n thots wnt always harmonize together.
    Da choices u make arnt always 1 u aimed for
    Sometimes da things dat u gt attached to,
    R dose, dat once  u loathed  a lot.
    It feels as if der r 2 people in 1 person
    One thotful n intelligentN oder sensitive n careless
    Dey dnt get along really well
    Ders always sum cold war between dem
    Intelligence suggests da way to mre profit n happiness
    Sensitivity dsnt  knw wat it wants n goes newhwre
    Its lyk a combinatn of animal n machine
    Animal follows love, lyk a dog
    All it wants is beautiful wrld n in it ‘u wid me'
    But machine thinks a lot n always wants to get better
    betr features, mre programmes n faster processors
    machine can never love n dog can never b  selfish
    dog will never leave u n machine will sumday expire to rubbish.
    Time  does show u ur different type(s)
     wat  u can b n wat u can never  evn try,  
    u do things dat u never dreamt of doin in lyf.
    N end up runnin away frm those, dat wer once prized.
    U go on searchin 4 happiness in all parts of world
    N jus wen u think u got it, it will slip away on da road.
    Den u stop tryin so hard n get back to wat u always did
    N realize nothing else made u happier ‘dan, Wat u wer tryin to gt  rid.
    Beautiful things n beautiful people
    Can make u happy  4 a while
    But dat will fade, after u jus get away half a mile.
    But people who love u 4 whoever u are
    No mater hw far u go, u take der happy thots along.
    Der presence r absence dsnt matter, ,   n nor does der stayin far
    As dey walk wid u wherever u go, Cause dey  r always present  in ur heart.

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