Critiques and Revision

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  • Rookie Edwina Du Casse (10/21/2013 1:26:00 AM) Post reply
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    To me a poem is a painting in words, feelings, colours, scenes, tells a story, shares an emotion, takes the reader on a journey into the poem.(How do I down load some of my work here?) Will some one please tell me.As I am new here.

  • Rookie Zomuani Sailo (10/19/2013 5:43:00 PM) Post reply

    Her dream a promised destiny only in vain
    Her chapped crimson bleeding lips a scar of the pain
    Every failed romances she wore tearing as she dance
    Sunken to the ground grasping more than every chance
    Her wedding gown now polluted with a darkened heart of failed romance
    Yet she reaped her tears with a smile
    A smile she wore proudly amidst every conflict
    A face you'd pity and yet she cries in glee
    She'd be happy more than you'll ever be I agree
    Cause she knows " Agony and pain shows your alive"
    And she'll be alive more than you lotNeed not you pity she suffered all and yet she stands tall
    I envy her and i concur with her... She'll live
    A dream blown away along the wind
    And where the wind blow she'll find him..

  • Rookie - 271 Points Jack Growden (10/16/2013 3:15:00 AM) Post reply

    Hi, please read my collection. I have received quite a lot of positive feedback so your comments and ratings would also be greatly appreciated. To start with, I would recommend " The Willow" , " Autumn Leaves" , " Driftwood at Sunset" , " Fletcher" and " The Sweatshop" . Thank you sincerely for supporting a young poet! Jack Growden

  • Rookie Mohammad Tabatabaei (10/15/2013 10:31:00 AM) Post reply

    Dear fellow poets
    Please do me a favor and read my poem " Ecstasy" and comment as you like.thank yoy.

  • Rookie - 16 Points Minas Harutunian (10/14/2013 12:36:00 AM) Post reply

    The Loaded Kiss

    I lie in bed on this cool summer’s night
    I feel the breeze on my skin giving me goose bumps

    I have visions of my hands caressing your hips,
    As my fingers slowly begin to move up and down your back
    Our mouths get closer and closer
    With each passing second I dream of kissing your supple lips.
    The anticipation makes me want you even more than ever

    Our lips…our lips finally brush up against each other
    I feel your warm breath and it makes me shiver.
    The passion between us makes the starry sky fall
    While you moan with rapturous intent as I tease you more and more.
    Fireworks explode in grandeur out the window
    While we make love on this cool summer’s night

    My hands gently make their way up and down your silky legs
    With each thought of getting closer to heaven
    Our souls become one, as I sensually kiss you up and down your fragile skin…
    The sensual tension between us rises when your body touches mine
    Nothing else exists, nothing else matters
    While I envision being inside of you
    I want you. I feel you. I need you.
    I want you with every breath, in every way from now to the end of days.
    I want to breathe you; I want to be in you; I want to be with you.

    I turn you around and run my fingers through your hair
    Our eyes…our eyes meet again…and my legs begin to tremble.
    I wrap my arms around you tighter as you wrap your legs around mine

    I playfully caress your cheeks, which feel so perfect on my skin
    My lips soon make their way towards your neck while my tongue begins to tease you
    You scream in ecstasy and ask for more while you smile and pull me towards your lips,
    You give me a sweet, passionate kiss that could give life to the heavens above as we watch the sunrise come up
    With you in my arms,
    There’s nothing more that I want.

  • Rookie - 0 Points Joaquin Santana (10/4/2013 9:14:00 PM) Post reply

    I don't think there is very many people here who are in a position to critique anyone's poems. I've looked at many poems here and they are not very good at all. i've looked at past winners in poem contests here and wondered how did they win.

  • Rookie Jason Brierly (10/4/2013 7:19:00 PM) Post reply

    Any chance of a critique?

    It's all in the name

    Pointless and aimlessly,
    The poet takes flight.
    Unaware at the moment,
    Of what he will write.
    The precursor begins the flow,
    The go,
    " He knows that he wants to write" ,
    Yet doesn't quite know,
    What avenue of creation to take.
    And surely
    As the creek will rise,
    Creative juices aplenty,
    His art takes form
    As ink meets with paper,
    With a little help from a friend,
    The words woven intricate,
    Lay out a form unknown.
    Interlocked and likened literature Of a duly noted nonsensical.
    Deep and steeped
    In stark contrast
    From the norm of poetry,
    My flowetry takes form.
    " How B?
    Words so intricate in flow?"
    " A mad man's internal" ,
    I say.
    Thirty years in the making,
    A mad man's nonsensical
    Takes on,
    In a busy mind of mine.
    Thought odd and weird,
    A style unique;
    A story of epic proportions unfolds
    As a knightly troubadour led astray,
    Cuts a lyrical hand,
    Opens his mind,
    And in doing so,
    Opens a vein of creativity
    That spews forth...
    Little upper thought,
    The proverbial flood gates
    Of my mind open,
    And with a thought,
    Brain sends message
    Through billions of electrical signals.
    Message sent down wire,
    Through arm into a hand,
    Weak and weary
    From hours of holding this pen.
    At this pen
    The electric signal stops.
    From there,
    The ink dances a waltz
    Across a once blank paper,
    Not so blank.
    An ink released
    To paint upon this canvas,
    A picture unseen.
    A picture is worth a thousand words?
    Picture this...
    My words
    Are worth a million images.
    Images that,
    Through a sequence of words
    Rendered upon parchment,
    Intricate in detail so...
    And meaningful,
    That images grow
    And appear upon the mass's,
    Impressionable mind.
    Like this....
    " The lovers entwined, legs interlocked. A love so deep; a love so inspiring and moving unknown. Two souls merge as one... heartbeat... breath in unison, and from between one's lips, under breath, and heartfelt, the verbal archer takes aim, and release... " I" ... slowly and quietly... " love" ... fluidly into the ear canal... " you" ... to vibrate ever so soothingly, reverberating upon the ear drum. A lover's passion so great. Doing a dance of passion... forever locked in a soul mate's embrace..."
    As my flowetry free form
    Becomes the image in your mind
    And you see the two
    Entwined in prose,
    You heed the gravity of my words
    The words aflow,
    To impress upon your mind
    " Million picture, flicker show" ,
    And you realize,
    Truly within...
    " A mad man's nonsensical" ?
    Truly not nonsense.
    With that,
    A lovely picture is painted,
    For fear of over doing
    With verbal vomit,
    Intricate B...
    must part...

    Intricate B

  • Rookie - 104 Points Nash Thomas (10/4/2013 10:51:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    pl see my poems and comment

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie - 104 Points Gangadharan Nair Pulingat (12/27/2014 8:47:00 AM) Post reply

      I have read the poem Real fruit written by Nash Thomas and very much liked the contents. Nature and its beauty, its friendship, emotions, the positiveness of the mind, the positive mood while enjoy ... more

  • Rookie Erin Thomas (10/3/2013 4:19:00 PM) Post reply

    How do I withdraw my poem from your silly little popularity contest?

  • Rookie - 0 Points Joaquin Santana (10/2/2013 10:56:00 PM) Post reply

    Do I really have to come here and ask someone to comment on my poem?

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