Treasure Island

Critiques and Revision


Post a message
  • Ragnys Ragna (5/10/2013 10:11:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    Hi everyone! Im new and i wanted some critiques and opinions in the 3 poems that i posted here, if someone could help me, please!

  • Adegbite Adeyinka (5/4/2013 6:35:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    Day I Told Pa A Lie

    Day I told Pa a lie
    The words reply like songs I like
    Guilt blinded me like the night
    Weakness came in mighty might;
    Tears fought back with consoling words
    Came all out in perfect chords,
    Anger, like water in me swell
    Myself I despise as though I smell;
    If I had the future seen
    I'd make a way around the scene,
    Ousted by fear I hid the truth
    Should have been loyal as Ruth;
    For lies can't live forever long
    But truth exists ever strong;
    Albeit Pa believed what I mean
    My conscience pricked hard and mean;
    Cos if the truth itself reveals,
    My face, forever, in shame conceals.

  • Matt Burton (5/3/2013 10:09:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    this is my first poem i ever wrote i call it The Light
    Ive traveled the road less takin
    for awhile i thought it was the only one worth makin
    untill i meet you i was mistakin
    you showed me the light
    i was so far out of sight
    you guided me out and now
    i see you are the one for me
    I was alone with nothing in my heart
    you saved me from the start
    im finally in the light
    i hope the begining is in sight
    because it feels so right
    all it took was just one look to see
    youre the one for me

  • Savannah Oakes (5/3/2013 8:54:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    If I Had Ten More Minutes

    If I had ten more minutes
    and my voice was not faint
    nor my face so devoid
    or my mind so blank,
    I would profess—

    But I'm afraid of words
    which might betray lips,
    For what is kept
    is of my eyes—
    that impulsive organ
    I've attempted to stray;
    hooded, hazed.

    Construing a montage
    ever playing:
    concerns, worries
    fears, and doubts,
    Come to life
    in bursting light
    whilst straining in the dark.

    And if such creations
    could speak—
    or better
    could be heard—
    through the mist of passion
    And masks of pride,

    I would profess
    All in my heart;
    Every quaint murmur
    Forsaken night and night.

  • Savannah Oakes (4/30/2013 7:04:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    Daydreaming

    I took it all to heart,
    each hasty smile and modest gesture,
    each syllable of dispassionate word,
    to a stage where even I was persuaded,
    the rays veiling your face
    in perfect symmetry,
    were by your own hand.

    No—you were the rays, as you were
    the smile, the gesture, and the word.
    Everything created, then destroyed
    by unadulterated hand.
    I coveted you so,
    for what were you incapable?
    —but all only in my sight.

    Now I mistrust.
    There are words I thought were spoken
    and actions I thought displayed—
    In fact—illusions and Trickery.
    But now I see,
    how you were a dream,
    borne of a skeptic in dangerous reverie.

    This guise I had burdened on you,
    I all the time unawares,
    For it had seemed,
    that when I said move
    —you moved.
    And when I said speak
    —you spoke.

    How does something appearing
    so concrete, so essential
    be confused with truth?
    —to savor another's words
    and have them be your own—
    Eyes blind and still
    having dreams of distant realms—
    but forget it.
    Happiness has gained on me,
    now knowing the best of truth.

    Now there is only whisperings,
    of a voice lost.
    No more apparitions of smiles,
    gestures, or words—
    such trivial necessities,
    conceived by a fool
    in want of an actor.

    www.poemhunter.com/poem/daydreaming

  • Farhana Rahman (4/30/2013 9:19:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    Dying for the Blood Moon


    " Alone, alone, all, all alone,
    Alone on a wide wide sea!
    And never a saint took pity on
    My soul in agony."
    The Rime of the Ancient Mariner
    S.T.Coleridge

    Making you a portrait close to heart
    a farewell smile, kisses along with hug
    We did ourselves apart.

    Of love and lies or betrayal precise
    Hence, no gaming left..
    I, queen of Heart declare you " Death"

    Such black night with such bloody moon
    When spirits found a door..
    I announce thy doom.

    Eyes on eyes, lips open, glimpse of teeth
    Undressed chest, blood beneath
    Beating heart
    Trial is start

    Love and death
    Remained choices open
    Second you chose
    Death granted as a token


    I left you alone
    under the bluish black sky
    The blood moon remained
    As witness to cry!

  • Farhana Rahman (4/30/2013 9:16:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    Dying for the Blood Moon


    " Alone, alone, all, all alone,
    Alone on a wide wide sea!
    And never a saint took pity
    on My soul in agony."
    The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, S.T.Coleridge


    Making you a portrait close to heart
    a farewell smile, kisses along with hug
    We did ourselves apart.


    Of love and lies or betrayal precise
    Hence, no gaming left..
    I, queen of Heart declare you " Death"


    Such black night with such bloody moon
    When spirits found a door..
    I announce thy doom.


    Eyes on eyes, lips open, glimpse of teeth
    Undressed chest, blood beneath
    Beating heart
    Trial is start


    Love and death
    Remained choices open
    Second you chose
    Death granted as a token
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .


    I left you alone under the bluish black sky
    The blood moon remained
    As witness to cry!

  • Savannah Oakes (4/29/2013 5:30:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    Daydreaming

    I took it all to heart,
    each hasty smile,
    every modest gesture,
    each syllable of dispassionate word,
    to a stage where even I was persuaded,
    the rays veiling your face,
    in perfect symmetry,
    were by your own hand.

    Hell—you were the rays, as you were
    the smile, the gesture, and the word.
    Everything created, then destroyed
    by your own unadulterated hand.
    Such feats you could reach.
    I coveted you so,
    for what were you incapable?
    —but all only in my sight.

    Now I mistrust.
    There are words I thought were spoken
    and actions I thought were displayed
    by you—but also me.
    Illusions and Trickery
    by me—but not you.
    I see it now:
    how you were a dream,
    borne of a skeptic in dangerous reverie.

    This guise I had burdened upon you,
    how could I be so thoughtless?
    For it had seemed,
    that when I said move
    —you moved.
    And when I said speak
    —you spoke.

    How does something appearing
    so concrete, so essential
    be confused with truth?
    How can you savor another's words
    and have them be your own?
    How could I be so selfish,
    with dreams of distant realms—
    but forget it.
    Happiness has gained on me,
    now knowing the best of truth.

    I hear no more whispers,
    no more apparitions of smiles,
    gestures, or words—
    no matter how hollow,
    cryptic or empty—
    such trivial necessities,
    conceived by a fool
    in want of an actor.

  • Adegbite Adeyinka (4/29/2013 3:17:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply Stage

    A Fool's Errand

    In dreaded famish, he beckons his famulus,
    " Take a brisk walk down the stream;
    Buy me that delicious stimulus" ;
    As he was starting to lose his dream.
    On wind's wings he floated away;
    Down the road he vanished from sight
    The hungry begins to measure his way
    A second's waste could hasten a fright.

    Galloping down the slippery road;
    He steps on a plump croaking toad,
    Stops a moment to mourn the dead
    And wrapped it in a colourful thread.
    He stuffs it in his brown leather bag
    Bearing his Master's monster tag;
    That little moment he's thrown awake
    Fetch the meal and the Master, wake.

    The hand on the wall is past his fear
    His ensemble shrugs off his wrinkly skin
    He hopes Chufuna is dead or near
    It matters now he's not his kin.
    Discomfort sunk him in a chair
    Daylight hurries from the clouds
    The weather he sees outside is fair
    His gentle patience fury beclouds.

    The vendor serves him in a piece of cloth
    Attentions whisked off by a naked thief
    He stole meats from a farmer's broth
    His back his whipped till its grief.
    " This scene so gory,
    I must tell Magacula the story" .
    He bolts like a fuel tank torched,
    On the desk lies the cloth untouched.

    Magacula is weary
    Whispers the gods to spare his life
    His sight on Chufuna is bleary
    But hears him mumble his walk of strife.
    Thud!
    He wakes his Master up. His shoes hissing mud.
    He picks the bag in a careful tread
    And hands him his 'meal' in a colourful thread.

    Replies for this message:
    • Yusuf Qomor Olusola (5/28/2013 7:13:00 AM) Post reply Stage

      Though, haven't got the total massage of this poem, All I can just say is that, It is an advance poem. if you can just breve me the theme of the poem, it'll be of more glad to me. Thanks! THE LAW

  • Adegbite Adeyinka (4/28/2013 3:29:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    Like A Rose

    She wears a fragrance so refreshing
    Her gentle countenance sparks a light;
    Beauty clasps her skin like a fleshing
    Her allure no one dares fight.

    Whenever she smiles, a merry band plays
    If I say, she signals it stale
    So much I've heard their replays
    Still my words bear a tale.

    Thus, I treat her like a rose
    She sees not the beauty I behold,
    If I write a poem or prose;
    The truth I have yet untold.

[Hata Bildir]