Critiques and Revision


Post a message
  • Rookie Hanan Ahmed (11/30/2013 12:56:00 AM) Post reply
    0 person liked.
    0 person did not like.

    L O S T

    They don't get it
    so she fakes it
    A frown on the inside
    A smile on the out
    Life's obstacles
    have her decisions
    On drought
    which way to go
    She doesn't know
    all she wants is for her
    Dreams to unfold

  • Rookie Alby Brooks (11/23/2013 7:11:00 AM) Post reply

    Mechanization

    Inhale, now exhale
    like this through life
    The world's universal glass eyes
    breathe the ashes of the fallen
    Blindly, Thoughtlessly
    Stumble through the shambles
    Not knowing, not realizing
    But I know, I see
    See the blankness of their eyes,
    drinking in the blood of new Earth
    Poisoned!
    Anger, hurt, confusion, pain
    Palpable, to feel it
    See it, I know it
    Go against the flow
    No never! , they say
    So I stay silently
    Alone, but surrounded
    Cover my eyes, glazed
    Just another fish in the stream
    Another spider on the web

  • Rookie Alby Brooks (11/22/2013 11:15:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Willing Hands
    Eager disposition of mine,
    catch the falling bird
    Quick, Quick
    Help me, it screams
    Willing hands let the graceful bird descend
    Down
    Pulled by its gravity,
    crashes to the ground
    To down, To down
    Falls through the crack in the floor
    Betrayed by my eager disposition of mine
    Through the dirt,
    four, no six feet below
    Bye Bye Birdy
    Wait, wait
    No, it is my turn now
    Karma repays me in full
    MY fate now put in other's willing hands
    My turn, my turn, the crows cry
    Your turn, I yelp
    They tease
    If only, if only
    Regret, try to repent
    No, no NO
    Falling,
    betrayed by their eager hands
    Peck, claw, drop
    Blind, I still fall
    Vengeance is their game
    Till I'm the same
    I'm the same
    Abandoned, suffocated
    Breathing in freshly dirt
    Birdy, Birdy,
    now we're the same
    We're the same,
    through that willing disposition of mine

    Replies for this message:
  • Rookie - 0 Points Kera Bashline (11/21/2013 12:58:00 PM) Post reply

    Daddy

    Daddy you left me all alone.
    I was a messed up girl from a broken home.
    You'd drown your sorrow in bottles of beer
    But your reasons for doing so, where unclear.
    My heart is broken and needs to heal
    From all the pain you've made me feel.
    If only I could show you this hatred is real.
    You left me when i was four.
    Was it hard for you to walk out the door?
    You hurt my mom and me.
    Dad cant you see?
    You're part of the reason I’m in a group home!
    And the reason I feel alone.

    Poetry

    A picture is worth a thousand words.
    That is what they say
    But can you feel the emotion from the picture in any way?
    That saying if for the birds
    Because words show you how to feel,
    And the picture may only look real.
    You may not agree,
    And this may only be me,
    But what I feel is what i say
    You may not like it,
    But I speak my mind anyway.

    Please tell me if these two poem are good.. I try my best: /

  • Rookie - 0 Points Kera Bashline (11/20/2013 3:16:00 PM) Post reply

    I've always worn my heart on my sleeve,
    Even though people say I'm naive.
    I'm a girl that's never truly loved before,
    Till you knocked at my door.
    My heart Is now In your hands,
    So I hope you can understand,
    That I fell my heart Is made of Ice
    So I hope you will take my advice
    And leave while you can.
    If you truly are the man I adore,
    Please don't make me want more.
    You know I will never leave your side,
    But you need to run and hide,
    For I might hurt you one day,
    And this is why you can't stay.
    I promise you that im in love,
    Because your my angel sent from above.
    So smash my heart break It Into pieces while you still can,
    Even though I'm the only one that can make you feel like a man.
    I'm really no good for you.

  • Rookie - 147 Points Terrance Tracy (11/20/2013 5:11:00 AM) Post reply

    The Plight of the Crows

    Wednesday, November 20,2013
    3: 41 AM

    As I was walking, I was a witness
    To a display that occurs every day.
    Oblivious to the scene, my complacency
    Made me blind to the message that is
    Apparent each day; a visage of metaphorical
    Display, because it is for the reader to decide the path
    To choose at the crossroads of life: this is the
    Path one must choose to follow, to be free from struggle and strife.

    From proximity near, I could hear a raucous
    Squabble up in the trees; repeated each day
    Finally caught my attention and this is what
    I saw.

    Three black crows took flight in the air;
    Forming a haphazard formation consisting of two in front
    In addition, one crow reluctantly following behind the first two.
    From a perch atop the trees there sat a fourth crow;
    Squawking orders to crow number three “Get back in formation,
    I don’t want to hear your declaration of my territory.”
    With presumption of authority, he squawked his
    Boastful decree, “Get out of this tree because this
    Tree belongs to me.”

    From a camouflaged, limb one hundred yards away not easy to
    See the three crows landed and declared, “This tree belongs to
    We three, it is our manifest destiny.”

    Immediately, the fourth crow took flight squawking, “Where
    Are they were going?” “Do not go there, these trees belong to me”
    “I am the crow given authority to reign over this territory. I do not care
    About neither manifest destiny nor eminent domain; for this is my
    Land promised by my creator for I have eminent domain.”
    The cacophony that ensued was louder than before and once more
    The three flew out of the tree one two and three.

    Whatever point you gleam from this little stream is a parallel of the
    Plight of humanity for every day we act the same way; and that is insanity.


    Terrence Tracy

  • Rookie David Odiase (11/19/2013 8:40:00 AM) Post reply

    my love
    sun sat maud
    flung rolls words
    tongues truth blind
    lame love find
    feelings absence
    sleepwalk, obsessed
    could love i u
    save shy sky blue.
    quatri-motions displayd
    valley our deep souls wade
    spare thy etereal glove
    thirsty blue kiss my love

  • Rookie Jennifer Wright (11/13/2013 11:22:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Days

    Now that I'm older The days just fly by,
    Faster it seems, in the blink of an eye.

    I try to hold tight, to each hour in the day,
    but it's gone in a instant the night takes it away,

    Soon it's all over tomorrows a new day
    grasping on tight I know it won't stay

    The clock keeps on ticking, the hours they pass,
    what was of today is now yesterday's past

    The memories still linger through the midst of the day,
    but gone once more is another new day

    By: Jennifer Wright

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie E T Saunders (11/15/2013 5:54:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

      Honestly this could use a little work.. If you do not mind I will make a few suggestions... The first line is: Now that I'm older The days just fly by Try: Now that I am older the days just fly b ... more

  • Freshman - 1,414 Points Herbert Guitang (11/7/2013 8:12:00 AM) Post reply

    Hello honorable Poet
    Kindly read my new poems " Happy Birthday"

    http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/happy-birthday-163/
    http://www.poemhunter.com/herbert-guitang/

  • Rookie Pedro Andres Rodriguez (11/5/2013 10:34:00 AM) Post reply

    Newbie poet seeking an honest critique. http://www.poemhunter.com/pedro-andres-rodriguez/

[Hata Bildir]