Critiques and Revision

My first on here just a simple one for my daughter

The first time I held you I wanted to sing
Your beautiful eyes my heart it did ring
Some people may say, it cannot be right
It just cannot happen love at first sight
Well after you read this tell them it's true
It happened to me as my eyes fell on you
My heart it was dancing a twist and a twirl
I love you my chloe my beautiful baby girl

This is my first poem and the first time I have had anyone read one please give me fully honest critisms.

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What is true happiness? I ponder the thought. I haven’t confessed my feelings and she is off hanging out with another dude. I’m gasping for air, the pain is almost to much to bear. Yet for some reason I have a boner. I hunch over and dry heave but it’s no use the love and despondency just wont come out. The concrete is cold on my hands and it leaves a million little dimples. I’m such a god damn coward.

Excuse me for rambling, to make a long story short I got the girl. Everything that I had hoped it would be and more. But now I miss the pain almost long for it. Forget truly happy is it possible to be content?

Just come and read my poems and I would love your know what you think

Wish I could, a wish I should. Rephrase, I'm done with wishing.
This well held a slumbered caucus, bacteria infections begin evicting.
Turned into a poet's vision.
Still need to see how I turn sick?
Anti bodies, doctors got me, at least that's their logic.....
Made for, I played more, anybody I wrote for....
My immune system rejected the....'thing' that they claim cures all.
All these words now hitting, syllables now fit in.
Chromosomes, I'm in my zone,
X Y, seen the Z's coded in my vision.
Chasing every dream, my inception began to construct.
Ugly ducking I found luck in because being the ugly duck meant I was bound to be something.
More than my first cousins.....
Who chose street pharmacy as their subject.....
While I take these thoughts & form it into crack I give this all in public.
So really am I above them?
Steady ready to go below.
Dirt piled is when you file all the things that I wrote.
Fisherman, I had a boat.
No bait, I stood afloat. A school of them approached.
Intellect I cloaked, this vessel's still unknown.
But now it's grown, artisanal; attention spurs from what I show.
Saying goes, many in the sea.
Seeing that they come from what they see,
Not where you be, know where your at.
Fisherman's log inked, the knowledge became the tat.
That attention builds up the things once neglected.

Good Afternoon all,

I am a poet who loves opinions from others, especially poets on my work to see how others view what i do. Here is the link to my poems and i would greatly appreciate any who take their time out to view any of my poems and tell me what they think.

http: //www.poemhunter.com/stevens-cadet/

I stood straight
Legs were one foot wide
Fingers were one inch apart
I threw my hands up.

They might be racist
They might be fascist
I was in front of them
And asked them to kill me first.

They shouted at me but I shouted louder
They went away from me out of fear
I knew them all they were cowards
They always move and come in crowd
So I thundered alone like a lightening cloud.


I watched carefully and wondered
If they could not kill me alone
How could they dare to kill the crowd?

Love And Life And Laughter By Gareth Simpson


How glorious new beginnings are
Of love and life and laughter
You made your wish, you caught a star
It's happy ever after

The love that's yours is immense
It's only worthless things your losing
No more sitting on the fence
There's no better path for choosing

The light you have beside of you
It guides you from uncertainty
You'll no longer be asking who
You'll be sharing with eternity

When the darkness falls from up above
You'll be shining like a star so bright
Because you've found your own true love
You'll shine on through the night

Hello. I have decided to post some of my poems here for the first time. Never before have I had anyone read my written words. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Thank you.

Im a new memebr to poemhunter.com and I need to know if my poems are any good. So please click the link below to get to my home page and read my poems. Rate them and post your opinions so I can make the poems better. Thanks!

http: //www.poemhunter.com/lucas-lingerfelt/

Hi I have just uploaded a few poems and would appreciate any feedback positive or negative.

http: //www.poemhunter.com/wynono-kwahu/