Treasure Island

Critiques and Revision


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  • Aria Siren (9/17/2013 3:59:00 PM) Post reply

    'Ello Fellow Poets,
    Please do read my poem: Dancing With An Elephant and vote for it for the poetry contest hosted by Poem Hunter. Thanks so much. Email me yours and I'll be happy to return the favour.
    http://poemhunter.com/contest-vote/dancing-with-an-elephant-sonnet-ii/

    ~Aria

  • Kristina Dee (9/17/2013 5:34:00 AM) Post reply

    Discreetly Bold

    A surprise in familiarity
    from this soothing command,
    in the realm of eccentricities
    beauty chase liberty,
    provoke not paranoia
    of expensive insanity,
    escape fear undoubtedly
    abandoning relief of normality.

  • Sunday Champion Rookie - 1st Stage (9/15/2013 5:51:00 PM) Post reply

    I SEE A PICTURE


    I see a picture
    Which no one else can capture
    It dwells in my heart;
    I see a picture
    A picture of my future
    I see a great man 
    whose shoulders
    Shall the liberation of All men
    be entrusted 
    I see a picture
    Making men smile
    Restoring hope to the lost
    Mending the broken hearted
    And liberating the liberators
    That is the picture
    I can see

    Friends! What do you say about this?


                        

  • Mohammad Tabatabaei Rookie - 1st Stage (9/1/2013 10:07:00 AM) Post reply

    With reference to poem titled Hijaab by Sulaymon, I would like to say that it is unnatural and barbaric to hide the beauty of nature (of a woman) and it will certainly lead to sexual perversion (paedophile) which is so widespread in moslem countries.

  • Sulaymon Tadese Faozahny Rookie - 1st Stage (8/31/2013 11:02:00 AM) Post reply

    Hijaab


    Hijaab Hijaab Hijaab
    Why the argument?
    Why do you dress the way you did?
    Do you feel ashamed?
    Were of prying eyes?

    Catholic nun in Hijab
    Christian nun in Hijab
    Mother nun in Hijab
    Muslim sister in Hijab
    Muslim sister in full veil

    How great speech
    From Reberto Maroni
    Italian Minister
    Elucidate
    That

    If the virgin Mary appears
    Wearing a veil
    On all her pictures,
    How can you ask me
    To sign a HIJAB BAN LAW?

    What did the scripturs says?
    Which control the wearing Hijab
    Corinthian 11 v 5-10
    Genesis 24 v 63-67
    Quran 33 v 59

    Therefore
    Shown that
    Christianity
    Culture
    Islam

    Enjoin women
    To cover their head
    And body
    For the protection
    Of the society

    From
    Sexual harassment
    NakedNess, promiscuity
    Fornication
    And adultery

    Using Hijab or head cover
    Therefore,
    Shows dignity, honour,
    Morality, chastity of
    Women race over animal kingdom

  • Scott Forsberg Rookie - 1st Stage (8/29/2013 8:15:00 AM) Post reply

    Vice
    By: Scott C. Forsberg

    consumed by the poizen of the bottle.
    going down it's path at full throttle.
    indulged by it's delight, Taken by it's pleasure
    often forgetting cherished treasures
    without perception that is it's deception
    to disguise it's true intention
    until awakened in a hollow, curled around a rock
    praying for redemption now knowing it's deception

  • Sulaymon Tadese Faozahny Rookie - 1st Stage (8/29/2013 7:16:00 AM) Post reply

    A Suspicious Danger


    As fragile as an egg,
    Over exerting it in handling
    Will break it many pieces,
    Leaving it to do,
    As it likes,
    Makes it more defined,
    Moral less and shameless.

    Its roles, however, in a gathering,
    Cannot be belittled,
    Its absence in an organization
    Renders the environment anarchical
    Its presence in a gathering
    On the Other hand
    Proffers an impending danger
    When it faces you.

    It 'radiates' danger.
    Showing you its back,
    You are in perilous circumstances,
    Let alone speaking with it
    It is a friendly devil.
    Better say 'a suspicious danger'.

    The annals let us understand
    That many organizations have dispersed,
    May are the God-fearing beings
    Who has become spiritually moron
    Many husbands have become
    Unfortunate hen-pecked persons
    Due to their tricky handiwork

    Beware, oh! Leaders and followers
    Of attractively-seem flower.
    And of ripe bananas
    Which are liable to get spoilt
    Within a short period of time
    What am I addressing?
    It is 'WUMEN'.

    Beware of keeping in company
    Of ladies, rather women
    In conversation in vain talks
    With them or in wild play
    Apart from someone,
    Who is undergoing,
    A religious training

    Beware of things,
    Which hinders organization's progress,
    They change's well-sprout'tree
    To leafless and fruitless
    They change a good believer
    To a spiritually-decayed man,
    A purposeful group becomes purposeless

    They are, moreover,
    Like salt and foul-smelling things,
    Emitting a foul-smelling things,
    Into one's mouth,
    And mixture honey with it,
    The missing cannot be swallowed,
    The honey cannot be spot out.

    Let us careful of them,
    Dry uncut calabash was careful not,
    It burnt on fire,
    Uppermost root was careless
    It fell over the floor
    If a property-owner is not careful,
    He will lose his properties to thieves.

  • Sulaymon Tadese Faozahny Rookie - 1st Stage (8/27/2013 3:03:00 PM) Post reply

    Almighty


    How cans a man
    Love me,
    Unconditionally?

    How cans a man
    Love me,
    When I don’t love him?

    How cans a man
    Love me,
    Without limit?

    How cans a man
    Be faithful
    While me unfaithfulness?

    How cans a man
    Tell me, he love me
    In my unfaithfulness?

    What a manner of man
    Will run after me
    Even as I go astray?

    What a manner of man
    Will call at me
    Even when am so far away?

    What a manner of man
    Will stretch out his hand
    To rescue me?

    What a manner of man
    Will forgive me no matter
    How many times I wrong him?

    Why wills a man
    Want me despite
    My filthy attire?

    Why wills a man
    Of high class come down
    To my level just to be with me?

    Why wills a man
    Sacrifice all he has
    Just for my happiness?

    Why wills a man
    Give up all he has
    For my freedom?

    Why wills a man
    Take my place for my comfort
    After what I have done?

    Why wills a man
    Pay a debt
    He never owed?

    God
    So love the universe
    His passion, deeper than oceans

    Higher than the heavens,
    Reaches than the stars
    In the sky

    His amity has no bound,
    No limit, no expiring date,
    His love never grows sour

    His affection is merciful
    Full of compassion,
    Grace just name it

    So unfaithful
    As I am,
    He still is faithful

    So ungrateful
    Yet
    He’s still providing

    Going my own way
    Yet he call out to me
    My love takes my hand.

    Your
    Tenderness
    Is so great.

    Your embrace
    Is so warm
    And comforting.

    Your voice
    Is so sweet
    And soothing.

    You are the almighty,
    All wise, the kingdom
    Of the heavens and the earth

    You are the one
    Who gives life, causes death
    And He is able to do all things

    Then
    Which of blessings
    Of your God will you both deny?

  • Chloe Coleman Rookie - 1st Stage (8/26/2013 12:36:00 PM) Post reply

    " Pickle"

    Clang of metal on glass,
    a tiny trident pierces the green skin.
    fat drops run down the weapon,
    and splash onto the table,
    green on silver.
    red lips press
    against the green flesh,
    possessive and passionate.
    A flash of ivory
    and all is but sweet memory.

  • Sulaymon Tadese Faozahny Rookie - 1st Stage (8/23/2013 8:26:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    The Woman


    A strong being
    An epitome of beauty
    The glory of a man
    The best of all creation

    A mother, a wife
    A companion,
    A friend,
    The pillar of the home

    A teacher, a student,
    A helper, a caretaker
    A man,
    A repairer, a destroyer

    Treat her like an egg
    Because she’s fragile
    Hold her tenderly and
    Carefully lest she breaks

    Treat her well
    As you do yourself
    Love her as much as you
    Do love yourself

    Correct her with words
    Scold her, punish her
    But never beat her
    Lay a finger on her

    Mind the kind of words
    You say to her
    Her emotion are triggered
    To you have said.

    Tolerate her
    Be patient with her
    Get the best from her
    Show her love

    Shower her with gift
    Protect her
    Honours her
    Because she’s a part of you

    Give her attention
    Get what you deserve from her
    Make her happy
    You’re stolen her heart.


    Treat her like the queen
    Treat her as the mother
    Treat her like the wife
    Treat her like companion.

    She’s not a baby-making machine
    She’s not pleasure machine
    She’s not punching bag
    She’s not all of the above

    The woman
    Is an unique creature
    Incomparable features
    Endowed with beauty

    Don’t treats her like trash
    Treat her like an egg
    The woman knows
    More than man knows.

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