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Critiques and Revision


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  • Rookie - 885 Points Herbert Guitang (11/7/2013 8:12:00 AM) Post reply
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    Hello honorable Poet
    Kindly read my new poems " Happy Birthday"

    http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/happy-birthday-163/
    http://www.poemhunter.com/herbert-guitang/

  • Rookie Pedro Andres Rodriguez (11/5/2013 10:34:00 AM) Post reply

    Newbie poet seeking an honest critique. http://www.poemhunter.com/pedro-andres-rodriguez/

  • Rookie Zane Tyree (11/3/2013 2:53:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Numb



    I'm being drawn in,

    The darkness consumes me,

    The black hole,

    Constantly drawing me in,

    I can't escape,

    The numbness,

    The horror,

    As I see the nothingness of life,

    The perfection of being invisible,

    Knowing that no one can help,

    That none want to help,

    Feeling the blade of truth,

    Gives me the realization of life,

    Being lost in the fog,

    There is no relief,

    No light,

    Or guide,

    I've become lost in the darkness,

    I can do everything,

    But I can't feel anything.





    Again just a critique.

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie Kera Bashline (11/20/2013 3:22:00 PM) Post reply

      Numb I'm being drawn in, The darkness consumes me, The black hole, Constantly drawing me in, I can't escape, The numbness, The horror, As I see the nothingness of life, The perfect ... more

  • Rookie Zane Tyree (11/3/2013 2:53:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Unaware

    As I sit here confused,
    Not knowing whether today will be my last,
    I feel so numb I'm amused,
    Unaware of the sadness I cast,
    My heart will fail,
    My mind will break,
    When I go no one will tell,
    Do I have what it will take,
    To remove this world of a curse,
    To give this world a relief,
    After its done I know what will immerse,
    This world won't change its belief.

    Just a critique.

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie Kera Bashline (11/20/2013 3:50:00 PM) Post reply

      I would love to write somthing with you sometime... I hope you read my work.

  • Rookie Eliseo 'elcid' Cinco Iii (11/3/2013 3:56:00 AM) Post reply

    Could you critique my poems and give me suggestions. I am in need of feedback on the poems I composed.Thanks.

  • Rookie - 134 Points Terrance Tracy (10/31/2013 5:42:00 PM) Post reply

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    Terrance Tracy Male,66, United States (10/31/2013 2: 45: 00 PM)
    Impressions

    As I walk along my drive
    with hedges and oak trees on each side
    in the late morning what was once solitary
    of commerce is now lost to the droning out
    to the noise of a highway.

    No longer do the birds that used to be
    land in the trees for me to see
    imminent domain is all that remains of one's
    solitude in which I enjoyed my refuge.

    Occasionally a crow will be there to brag
    where is my home oh what a drag
    to hear him squawk no more like the hawk
    that sits on a telephone wire to fill his beak
    with a morsel that is meek.

    This is the age of progress
    oh how we have digressed
    in the name of prosperity we have lost
    what once was a beautiful tapestry.

    In spite of progress there exist places of
    serenity how much more will they go on
    before their lost to mankind's duplicity.

    Each generation to come
    will see the erosion of the beauty that was
    for all to accompany witness the fate
    of exclamation at the destruction of the nation
    because of corporate damnation
    of God's beautiful plantation.

    The city lights blind the stars
    to make poets wonder where
    they are,

    Though the night skies grow dim
    our future does not have to be slim.
    If we could all agree God's mighty
    power will shine again.

    Terrence Tracy

  • Freshman - 1,296 Points Mike Acker (10/31/2013 2:54:00 PM) Post reply

    Adrift

    Two boats embrace
    bow to bow, face to face.
    No longer taut,
    a simple knot
    becomes undone,
    the rope slips off.
    Sliding into the waves' troughs,
    they silently start
    to drift apart.
    Neither aware,
    of the growing gap,
    the coming despair.
    Still in sight,
    of each other's light,
    but no longer in
    each other's sight.
    Then, the storms
    begin to strike,
    each one separate,
    but still, alike.
    By the time,
    the sun's bursts
    of rays
    re-appear,
    they'll will be
    oceans apart.
    Like some hearts,
    far, too far
    apart.

  • Rookie Ella Pitt (10/30/2013 11:22:00 AM) Post reply

    I'm relatively new to poemhunter and definitely open to ideas and points of improvement. If anyone would be willing to check out/critique my poems particularly I am Cooked, Rubies and Garnets and The Perfectionist I will be eternally grateful!

  • Rookie Kaylin Ruth Adarne (10/30/2013 7:28:00 AM) Post reply

    Fading Moments

    I‘d cut my nails, tie my hair, and check myself in the mirror twice
    All I know is I ought to look nice
    To please you, though it’s as clear the blue skies that I don’t have to
    Cause you like the exact reflection in the mirror and not the way people want me to

    Then we would meet at your simple and loving place
    Where we’d talk and play simple tunes
    Then you’d blush and smile when I look at your face
    And to your eyes, as bright as the moon

    Our fingers would touch slightly and softly
    Would give me shivers that I want to linger
    But I’d hold my heart back and smile at the thought shyly
    For all I know, we’re just kids and nothing would go deeper

    Sometimes we’d sit at the sofa and watch a movie
    And I noticed how shy, quiet, and serious you are from a small distance
    Those were the times that I tried to move closely
    It’s sad. No matter how small of a distance would fade all the chance

    The day you asked me to go with you to a sacred place
    A hangout that I’d always remember till this day
    When I felt the most scared and awkward of all times
    I knew you want me to be closer to Him and I want you to be mine

    In my mind it stayed as a memory flashing back every now and then
    There are times I would smile
    There are moments I would cry
    It’s hard to accept the fact that those are just memories remembered then forgotten

    Days went by as quiet as the air, the vision of you became a blur
    Can’t remember exactly how you turned into such a “nobody” in the end
    If ever I’ll have your touch again, I am not sure
    All the times we spent for now are just fading moments

    please I need criticisms..thank you

  • Rookie Zipporah Mulisch (10/28/2013 3:12:00 AM) Post reply

    " Pig"

    Clutching bed sheets,
    heartbeat deafening;
    muffling the sounds of
    the last train to Century Park -
    whispers of my lover float
    above my head,
    and between my legs

    Blood pumps unevenly,
    flowing straight to the fingertips;
    leaving my hands numb,
    lost, dead, flopping
    over the sides of my bed

    The creases in my belly
    (disgusting pig gut)
    mock my posture,
    and the spots on my face
    mock my shapeless body

    But you still love me so, only you
    and my soul remains warm,
    unchanged and untouched,
    confused in this ugly corpse
    this filthy pile of fat and bones
    growing and bulging like a cancer

    I keep it safe, just for you -
    You lovely, blind fool
    I promise;
    when our skin meets again,
    palm against palm,
    I’ll be beautiful again

    Z. Mulisch

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