Learn More

Critiques and Revision


Post a message
  • Rookie Kera Bashline (11/21/2013 12:58:00 PM) Post reply
    0 person liked.
    0 person did not like.

    Daddy

    Daddy you left me all alone.
    I was a messed up girl from a broken home.
    You'd drown your sorrow in bottles of beer
    But your reasons for doing so, where unclear.
    My heart is broken and needs to heal
    From all the pain you've made me feel.
    If only I could show you this hatred is real.
    You left me when i was four.
    Was it hard for you to walk out the door?
    You hurt my mom and me.
    Dad cant you see?
    You're part of the reason I’m in a group home!
    And the reason I feel alone.

    Poetry

    A picture is worth a thousand words.
    That is what they say
    But can you feel the emotion from the picture in any way?
    That saying if for the birds
    Because words show you how to feel,
    And the picture may only look real.
    You may not agree,
    And this may only be me,
    But what I feel is what i say
    You may not like it,
    But I speak my mind anyway.

    Please tell me if these two poem are good.. I try my best: /

  • Rookie Kera Bashline (11/20/2013 3:16:00 PM) Post reply

    I've always worn my heart on my sleeve,
    Even though people say I'm naive.
    I'm a girl that's never truly loved before,
    Till you knocked at my door.
    My heart Is now In your hands,
    So I hope you can understand,
    That I fell my heart Is made of Ice
    So I hope you will take my advice
    And leave while you can.
    If you truly are the man I adore,
    Please don't make me want more.
    You know I will never leave your side,
    But you need to run and hide,
    For I might hurt you one day,
    And this is why you can't stay.
    I promise you that im in love,
    Because your my angel sent from above.
    So smash my heart break It Into pieces while you still can,
    Even though I'm the only one that can make you feel like a man.
    I'm really no good for you.

  • Rookie - 134 Points Terrance Tracy (11/20/2013 5:11:00 AM) Post reply

    The Plight of the Crows

    Wednesday, November 20,2013
    3: 41 AM

    As I was walking, I was a witness
    To a display that occurs every day.
    Oblivious to the scene, my complacency
    Made me blind to the message that is
    Apparent each day; a visage of metaphorical
    Display, because it is for the reader to decide the path
    To choose at the crossroads of life: this is the
    Path one must choose to follow, to be free from struggle and strife.

    From proximity near, I could hear a raucous
    Squabble up in the trees; repeated each day
    Finally caught my attention and this is what
    I saw.

    Three black crows took flight in the air;
    Forming a haphazard formation consisting of two in front
    In addition, one crow reluctantly following behind the first two.
    From a perch atop the trees there sat a fourth crow;
    Squawking orders to crow number three “Get back in formation,
    I don’t want to hear your declaration of my territory.”
    With presumption of authority, he squawked his
    Boastful decree, “Get out of this tree because this
    Tree belongs to me.”

    From a camouflaged, limb one hundred yards away not easy to
    See the three crows landed and declared, “This tree belongs to
    We three, it is our manifest destiny.”

    Immediately, the fourth crow took flight squawking, “Where
    Are they were going?” “Do not go there, these trees belong to me”
    “I am the crow given authority to reign over this territory. I do not care
    About neither manifest destiny nor eminent domain; for this is my
    Land promised by my creator for I have eminent domain.”
    The cacophony that ensued was louder than before and once more
    The three flew out of the tree one two and three.

    Whatever point you gleam from this little stream is a parallel of the
    Plight of humanity for every day we act the same way; and that is insanity.


    Terrence Tracy

  • Rookie David Odiase (11/19/2013 8:40:00 AM) Post reply

    my love
    sun sat maud
    flung rolls words
    tongues truth blind
    lame love find
    feelings absence
    sleepwalk, obsessed
    could love i u
    save shy sky blue.
    quatri-motions displayd
    valley our deep souls wade
    spare thy etereal glove
    thirsty blue kiss my love

  • Rookie Jennifer Wright (11/13/2013 11:22:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Days

    Now that I'm older The days just fly by,
    Faster it seems, in the blink of an eye.

    I try to hold tight, to each hour in the day,
    but it's gone in a instant the night takes it away,

    Soon it's all over tomorrows a new day
    grasping on tight I know it won't stay

    The clock keeps on ticking, the hours they pass,
    what was of today is now yesterday's past

    The memories still linger through the midst of the day,
    but gone once more is another new day

    By: Jennifer Wright

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie E T Saunders (11/15/2013 5:54:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

      Honestly this could use a little work.. If you do not mind I will make a few suggestions... The first line is: Now that I'm older The days just fly by Try: Now that I am older the days just fly b ... more

  • Rookie - 808 Points Herbert Guitang (11/7/2013 8:12:00 AM) Post reply

    Hello honorable Poet
    Kindly read my new poems " Happy Birthday"

    http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/happy-birthday-163/
    http://www.poemhunter.com/herbert-guitang/

  • Rookie Pedro Andres Rodriguez (11/5/2013 10:34:00 AM) Post reply

    Newbie poet seeking an honest critique. http://www.poemhunter.com/pedro-andres-rodriguez/

  • Rookie Zane Tyree (11/3/2013 2:53:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Numb



    I'm being drawn in,

    The darkness consumes me,

    The black hole,

    Constantly drawing me in,

    I can't escape,

    The numbness,

    The horror,

    As I see the nothingness of life,

    The perfection of being invisible,

    Knowing that no one can help,

    That none want to help,

    Feeling the blade of truth,

    Gives me the realization of life,

    Being lost in the fog,

    There is no relief,

    No light,

    Or guide,

    I've become lost in the darkness,

    I can do everything,

    But I can't feel anything.





    Again just a critique.

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie Kera Bashline (11/20/2013 3:22:00 PM) Post reply

      Numb I'm being drawn in, The darkness consumes me, The black hole, Constantly drawing me in, I can't escape, The numbness, The horror, As I see the nothingness of life, The perfect ... more

  • Rookie Zane Tyree (11/3/2013 2:53:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Unaware

    As I sit here confused,
    Not knowing whether today will be my last,
    I feel so numb I'm amused,
    Unaware of the sadness I cast,
    My heart will fail,
    My mind will break,
    When I go no one will tell,
    Do I have what it will take,
    To remove this world of a curse,
    To give this world a relief,
    After its done I know what will immerse,
    This world won't change its belief.

    Just a critique.

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie Kera Bashline (11/20/2013 3:50:00 PM) Post reply

      I would love to write somthing with you sometime... I hope you read my work.

  • Rookie Eliseo 'elcid' Cinco Iii (11/3/2013 3:56:00 AM) Post reply

    Could you critique my poems and give me suggestions. I am in need of feedback on the poems I composed.Thanks.

[Hata Bildir]