Critiques and Revision

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  • Rookie - 920 Points Mike Acker (10/31/2013 2:54:00 PM) Post reply


    Two boats embrace
    bow to bow, face to face.
    No longer taut,
    a simple knot
    becomes undone,
    the rope slips off.
    Sliding into the waves' troughs,
    they silently start
    to drift apart.
    Neither aware,
    of the growing gap,
    the coming despair.
    Still in sight,
    of each other's light,
    but no longer in
    each other's sight.
    Then, the storms
    begin to strike,
    each one separate,
    but still, alike.
    By the time,
    the sun's bursts
    of rays
    they'll will be
    oceans apart.
    Like some hearts,
    far, too far

  • Rookie - 920 Points Ella Pitt (10/30/2013 11:22:00 AM) Post reply

    I'm relatively new to poemhunter and definitely open to ideas and points of improvement. If anyone would be willing to check out/critique my poems particularly I am Cooked, Rubies and Garnets and The Perfectionist I will be eternally grateful!

  • Rookie - 920 Points Kaylin Ruth Adarne (10/30/2013 7:28:00 AM) Post reply

    Fading Moments

    I‘d cut my nails, tie my hair, and check myself in the mirror twice
    All I know is I ought to look nice
    To please you, though it’s as clear the blue skies that I don’t have to
    Cause you like the exact reflection in the mirror and not the way people want me to

    Then we would meet at your simple and loving place
    Where we’d talk and play simple tunes
    Then you’d blush and smile when I look at your face
    And to your eyes, as bright as the moon

    Our fingers would touch slightly and softly
    Would give me shivers that I want to linger
    But I’d hold my heart back and smile at the thought shyly
    For all I know, we’re just kids and nothing would go deeper

    Sometimes we’d sit at the sofa and watch a movie
    And I noticed how shy, quiet, and serious you are from a small distance
    Those were the times that I tried to move closely
    It’s sad. No matter how small of a distance would fade all the chance

    The day you asked me to go with you to a sacred place
    A hangout that I’d always remember till this day
    When I felt the most scared and awkward of all times
    I knew you want me to be closer to Him and I want you to be mine

    In my mind it stayed as a memory flashing back every now and then
    There are times I would smile
    There are moments I would cry
    It’s hard to accept the fact that those are just memories remembered then forgotten

    Days went by as quiet as the air, the vision of you became a blur
    Can’t remember exactly how you turned into such a “nobody” in the end
    If ever I’ll have your touch again, I am not sure
    All the times we spent for now are just fading moments

    please I need criticisms..thank you

  • Rookie - 920 Points Zipporah Mulisch (10/28/2013 3:12:00 AM) Post reply

    " Pig"

    Clutching bed sheets,
    heartbeat deafening;
    muffling the sounds of
    the last train to Century Park -
    whispers of my lover float
    above my head,
    and between my legs

    Blood pumps unevenly,
    flowing straight to the fingertips;
    leaving my hands numb,
    lost, dead, flopping
    over the sides of my bed

    The creases in my belly
    (disgusting pig gut)
    mock my posture,
    and the spots on my face
    mock my shapeless body

    But you still love me so, only you
    and my soul remains warm,
    unchanged and untouched,
    confused in this ugly corpse
    this filthy pile of fat and bones
    growing and bulging like a cancer

    I keep it safe, just for you -
    You lovely, blind fool
    I promise;
    when our skin meets again,
    palm against palm,
    I’ll be beautiful again

    Z. Mulisch

  • Rookie - 920 Points Sam Kim (10/27/2013 4:49:00 AM) Post reply

    Hello I would like to request that if you have a time to spare please read my poems. All my poems currently registered except for camping and night sky was written 2 or 3 years ago. Please enjoy: D

  • Rookie - 5 Points Niki Nicholas Nkuna (10/22/2013 6:48:00 AM) Post reply

    Hi! Colleagues, I'm a novice poet, please comment on my poem below, thanks
    Day of reckoning *
    My last years were simply confirmed
    By one thought, one investigation, one story
    By then I had resigned myself to come what may
    The aura outside was deprecating as usual
    My life was condemned outside and inside
    That fateful day, the last day was to be concluded by prayer
    Preparation for my farewell was confusing
    I have never done it before except for somebody
    For whom we know what it means and what to do

    The day of reckoning meant nothing to me
    Because whatever I do wouldn’t change the verdict
    The day will end the same as usual
    My skin proved heavy and hot
    It felt like a blanket on a hot summer day
    I had to take it out, wished I was a snake

    Thus the day of reckoning came as a relief
    Albeit it meant nothing but death
    The days following the dark day where strange days
    There was no night or day because I saw with yesterday’s eyes and mind
    I waited for the day with my brain roving day and night
    Waiting for the day of reckoning to get it done
    I was tired of waiting to die when dying was already given to me as a name

    I just had nothing to think about even if I tried
    Except to see the dark end of the tunnel in my mind
    The priest who came to pray with me
    Believed in his trade when in fact he was driving me to the hilt

    27 May 2013, N Nkuna

  • Rookie - 5 Points Edwina Du Casse (10/21/2013 1:26:00 AM) Post reply

    To me a poem is a painting in words, feelings, colours, scenes, tells a story, shares an emotion, takes the reader on a journey into the poem.(How do I down load some of my work here?) Will some one please tell me.As I am new here.

  • Rookie - 5 Points Zomuani Sailo (10/19/2013 5:43:00 PM) Post reply

    Her dream a promised destiny only in vain
    Her chapped crimson bleeding lips a scar of the pain
    Every failed romances she wore tearing as she dance
    Sunken to the ground grasping more than every chance
    Her wedding gown now polluted with a darkened heart of failed romance
    Yet she reaped her tears with a smile
    A smile she wore proudly amidst every conflict
    A face you'd pity and yet she cries in glee
    She'd be happy more than you'll ever be I agree
    Cause she knows " Agony and pain shows your alive"
    And she'll be alive more than you lotNeed not you pity she suffered all and yet she stands tall
    I envy her and i concur with her... She'll live
    A dream blown away along the wind
    And where the wind blow she'll find him..

  • Rookie - 139 Points Jack Growden (10/16/2013 3:15:00 AM) Post reply

    Hi, please read my collection. I have received quite a lot of positive feedback so your comments and ratings would also be greatly appreciated. To start with, I would recommend " The Willow" , " Autumn Leaves" , " Driftwood at Sunset" , " Fletcher" and " The Sweatshop" . Thank you sincerely for supporting a young poet! Jack Growden

  • Rookie - 139 Points Mohammad Tabatabaei (10/15/2013 10:31:00 AM) Post reply

    Dear fellow poets
    Please do me a favor and read my poem " Ecstasy" and comment as you like.thank yoy.

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