Critiques and Revision


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  • Rookie - 286 Points Jeremy Horsford (1/3/2015 3:19:00 PM) Post reply | Read 2 replies
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    Dawn


    I'm in the place, just before dreams end and daily life begins. The place where
    evergreen trees are in abundance and the birds sing.

    The place where hunger is no more. The place where freedom is at the core.

    The place where the invention of peace was never needed. The place where the
    end of life never succeeded.

    The place where interracial relationships is the norm. The place where new types
    of life are borne.

    The place where god is still deemed an option. The place where the soul is still
    beyond our comprehension.

    The place where you and I meet. The place where four becomes eight feet.

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie - 286 Points Jeremy Horsford (1/4/2015 4:11:00 AM) Post reply

      C'mon Nathan, you shouldn't have to say you mean no offense. I posted the poem within this forum to be criticised.  You might be onto something, however I've had a think about your post and feel yo ... more

    • Rookie - 286 Points Nathan Beery (1/3/2015 11:54:00 PM) Post reply

      I think you should change some of your details to simple words, it would make it flow better. Ex. " just before dreams end and daily life begins" could be changed to " where the night m ... more

  • Rookie - 286 Points Jeremy Horsford (1/3/2015 3:10:00 PM) Post reply

    Continuous loop


    My corporeal form is separating from my consciousness.

    I made provisions for my incorporeal form to exist beyond the allowable
    time of existence.

    My periodic image was downloaded at the point of conception. Fractions
    of my episodic memories were downloaded.

    New memories are now subject to new authors.

    In the distant future and if my line is uninterrupted, I may see another day.

  • Rookie - 644 Points Muhammad Farhan Ahmed (1/1/2015 6:07:00 AM) Post reply

    Do read and comment on my poem.
    http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/missing-you-in-the-gentle-rain/

    The lovely rain as steady as a first, amorous kiss
    Is sombre without your fragrant presence
    For our fervent love is as deep as an abyss
    I crave to cuddle you in this icy-cold rain

    The river of my life is unnourished and dry
    Though it's drizzling amply to slake my soul
    As droughty as the black crow flying in the sky
    In seek of water to quench his profound thirst

    The songs of those maidens in the gentle shower
    Are as dulcet as your bell-like, honeyed voice
    Your three words of love are as sweet as a flower
    My heart yens to hear them again and again

    The rainy day is mirthless, dreary and blue
    Like the dull, colorless season of autumn
    The candle of my bliss is waiting for you
    To be lit up again, for it has grown dim

  • Rookie - 760 Points Lubinda Lubinda (12/31/2014 7:44:00 PM) Post reply

    The war inside me Something inside me wants to scream and shout I LOVE YOU But memories of past rejections still haunt me because they tell me that I'll end up with a broken heart! but it doesn't change the fact that; I STILL LOVE YOU! There is a war going on inside me that has not yet finished and, If you only knew the number of sleepless nights I have hadthinking about you you would realize that I LOVE YOU well, I realize that the coward in all this is me, because, you might never guess how i feel about you because i have kept my love for you silent but, what I want you to know is: I lOVE YOU

  • Rookie - 644 Points Muhammad Farhan Ahmed (12/28/2014 7:56:00 AM) Post reply

    My Mother, My Companion


    One may covet sapphires and rubies
    Or cherish and crave for jewelries
    One may long for earning ripe gold,
    I treasure her love that can't be sold.

    Jewels worn are a sight for a sore eye
    One who gathers them feels high
    Worthy knowledge is all what I'd collect
    From her, a devoted teacher I respect.

    A luscious rose sweetens the spot
    Perfumes an odorless garden a lot.
    Her tulip-sweet aroma calms my jaded mind
    All my venomous pain is then left behind.

    My mother, my companion, my sincere friend
    Never shall our valuable love end
    A Rafflesia dies in a day or another
    But a mother lives in a heart forever

    Rate my poem on http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/my-mother-my-companion/

  • Rookie - 644 Points Muhammad Farhan Ahmed (12/23/2014 12:16:00 PM) Post reply

    Alone And Wretched


    Alone in the sun sweats a sombre flower
    Neither ever kissed by butterflies
    Nor ever praised to the skies

    Alone in the sky lies the moon so fair
    Among a thousand stars feels it shy
    Why is it the only moon in the sky?

    Alone the duckling so gray and ugly
    Felt so bittersweet, glum and queer
    While the swans were exquisitely fair

    Alone the sun so bright and splendent
    Feels so wistful, sad and melancholic
    Why is it hated though it's so resplendent?

    Alone and wretched I stand too like them
    Like a cloud drizzling in the sky
    Forlorn in the dusk quietly I cry

    :) Please rate my poem out of ten on this link: http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/alone-and-wretched/

  • Rookie - 160 Points Mapung Madura (12/20/2014 11:02:00 AM) Post reply

    Swept The Sound in The Night

    me
    and the Moon
    settles tiptoe
    behind the wall clock
    ticking
    swept the sound
    in The Night

    Rose's Crown
    grooming
    seducing
    nge-Blink
    like Jewellery
    for a Bandit
    a pistol
    pull out from
    the holster
    cock-head
    a pistil
    two bodies
    became Castle

    ' Hello Hello How Low?' 3x

    Dooor! ! !

    baby's cried
    shouted
    me and the Moon nyengir
    settles tiptoe
    wrapped in the tongue-cloth

    think thrice to play your pistol at midnight,
    or your baby beside

    CRY.

    note:
    nge-Blink = Blinking
    Nyengir = Grin

  • Rookie - 76 Points Ashish Painuly (12/17/2014 12:17:00 AM) Post reply

    Loneliness.....oh! ! I hate loneliness
    Loneliness.....its a phase of emptiness
    & Loneliness is a way to nostalgia
    Nostalgia-a stage of lifelessness
    But at times, I get nostalgic
    WHY?I don't understand
    HOW?I don't understand
    But all I know is that sometimes I get nostalgic,
    either in the dread of future....or with the lost hand....

    Loneliness-its got an enchanting power
    which detaches from all worldliness,
    detaches from all chains.....chains which are futile,
    and detaches from all consciousness,
    and arouses in me a state of nostalgia,
    which is even more futile, with all its illusiveness......
    This is for what I hate loneliness.....

    Loneliness-its a phase of emptiness......
    and all it brings beyond consciousness.....
    is just an illusion, but all I know
    is that factually n actually everything is mere illusion,
    even the so called " true" mirror's reflection......
    reflectong with a lateral inversion......
    Loneliness-detaches from all worldliness
    so, i hate loneliness.......
    But somehow, it awakens in me, the spirits of fictitiousness......
    the tools of imagination& an " illusion" of infinite " liveliness" .
    This is for what despite of a million reasons to hate loneliness, I still love......
    to cherish loneliness....
    Sometimes I pleasure loneliness....
    Sometimes I treasure loneliness......
    But, all I understand is that I hate loneliness, and still..........more or less......
    I " love loneliness" ........

  • Rookie - 65 Points Mike Blotzer (12/16/2014 6:51:00 PM) Post reply

    love to hear. new to site.


    Just...Like...This.


    A glimpse beyond the walls, I see a life of which will never be
    But oh, how high a man can dream?!
    To heights unmatched and seldom seen

    I touched the star that grants a wish, saw the face that launched 1,000 ships
    Had everything, and so t'was bliss
    but lost it all, Just.....Like.....This.

    For Alas! , I am not meant for those, precious moments of parental prose
    Nay- I am just meant to be alone
    This curse I bear on my own.

    Like a drunk, I rue the morning next, where reality replaces happiness
    And darkness mixed with loneliness
    Consumes the light my soul emits.

    But something in me knew it then, eventually the floor would spin
    A vortex where escape is thin
    Here past the event horizon.

    So alone I walk, toward Destined Death
    Not of my flesh, but imagination

    For a dream can quickly turn nightmare
    And many times I've seen the pyre
    Consume my spirit, hopes and desires
    Just.....Like.....This.

    Mike Blotzer

  • Rookie - 263 Points Michael Webb (12/13/2014 4:15:00 AM) Post reply

    The Corner.

    Lying on a brick bed
    In a noiseless dark room
    Lies an unsettling feeling
    There is something in the corner
    Laughing at myself " It's all in my mind"

    Or maybe it's in my head
    Next to the mirror full of gloom
    A shadow as tall as the ceiling
    There is something standing in the corner
    Wondering " Is this real life?"

    Sleeplessness is starting to make me insane
    Trying to fall asleep I shut my eyes
    My mind begins to drift away.....
    There is something breathing in the corner
    Heavier than the weight of a million tombs

    My energy seems to drain
    It's coming to take my life
    " Where have my thoughts began to stray?"
    There is something watching in the corner
    I need to get out of this room

    Paralyzed, perilously awaiting death
    But it's all simply a figment of imagination..
    I blink my eyes but it doesn't disappear
    It's empty face in disguise
    And bearing a haunting glare


    The taker of souls invading me in my rest
    Watching it in helpless desperation
    It slowly approaches nearer
    Close enough to see the nothingness in it's eyes
    I told you there was something over there


    " Someone save me"
    Succumbing to it's outstretched arms reluctantly
    Attempting to move but it is a waste
    I can feel hands around my neck
    Not a single helpless howl can escape

    " Are you going to take me?"
    My breath stops suddenly
    Stealing the blood from my veins
    Drowning in it's dreary darkness
    I hear it bellow my name

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