Critiques and Revision
(1/3/2015 3:19:00 PM)
| Read 2 replies
I'm in the place, just before dreams end and daily life begins. The place where
evergreen trees are in abundance and the birds sing.
The place where hunger is no more. The place where freedom is at the core.
The place where the invention of peace was never needed. The place where the
end of life never succeeded.
The place where interracial relationships is the norm. The place where new types
of life are borne.
The place where god is still deemed an option. The place where the soul is still
beyond our comprehension.
The place where you and I meet. The place where four becomes eight feet.Replies for this message:
(1/4/2015 4:11:00 AM)
C'mon Nathan, you shouldn't have to say you mean no offense. I posted the poem within this forum to be criticised. You might be onto something, however I've had a think about your post and feel yo ... more
(1/3/2015 11:54:00 PM)
I think you should change some of your details to simple words, it would make it flow better. Ex. " just before dreams end and daily life begins" could be changed to " where the night m ... more
- Jeremy Horsford (1/4/2015 4:11:00 AM) Post reply
(1/3/2015 3:10:00 PM)
My corporeal form is separating from my consciousness.
I made provisions for my incorporeal form to exist beyond the allowable
time of existence.
My periodic image was downloaded at the point of conception. Fractions
of my episodic memories were downloaded.
New memories are now subject to new authors.
In the distant future and if my line is uninterrupted, I may see another day.
Muhammad Farhan Ahmed
(1/1/2015 6:07:00 AM)
Do read and comment on my poem.
The lovely rain as steady as a first, amorous kiss
Is sombre without your fragrant presence
For our fervent love is as deep as an abyss
I crave to cuddle you in this icy-cold rain
The river of my life is unnourished and dry
Though it's drizzling amply to slake my soul
As droughty as the black crow flying in the sky
In seek of water to quench his profound thirst
The songs of those maidens in the gentle shower
Are as dulcet as your bell-like, honeyed voice
Your three words of love are as sweet as a flower
My heart yens to hear them again and again
The rainy day is mirthless, dreary and blue
Like the dull, colorless season of autumn
The candle of my bliss is waiting for you
To be lit up again, for it has grown dim
(12/31/2014 7:44:00 PM)
The war inside me Something inside me wants to scream and shout I LOVE YOU But memories of past rejections still haunt me because they tell me that I'll end up with a broken heart! but it doesn't change the fact that; I STILL LOVE YOU! There is a war going on inside me that has not yet finished and, If you only knew the number of sleepless nights I have hadthinking about you you would realize that I LOVE YOU well, I realize that the coward in all this is me, because, you might never guess how i feel about you because i have kept my love for you silent but, what I want you to know is: I lOVE YOU
Muhammad Farhan Ahmed
(12/28/2014 7:56:00 AM)
My Mother, My Companion
One may covet sapphires and rubies
Or cherish and crave for jewelries
One may long for earning ripe gold,
I treasure her love that can't be sold.
Jewels worn are a sight for a sore eye
One who gathers them feels high
Worthy knowledge is all what I'd collect
From her, a devoted teacher I respect.
A luscious rose sweetens the spot
Perfumes an odorless garden a lot.
Her tulip-sweet aroma calms my jaded mind
All my venomous pain is then left behind.
My mother, my companion, my sincere friend
Never shall our valuable love end
A Rafflesia dies in a day or another
But a mother lives in a heart forever
Rate my poem on http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/my-mother-my-companion/
Muhammad Farhan Ahmed
(12/23/2014 12:16:00 PM)
Alone And Wretched
Alone in the sun sweats a sombre flower
Neither ever kissed by butterflies
Nor ever praised to the skies
Alone in the sky lies the moon so fair
Among a thousand stars feels it shy
Why is it the only moon in the sky?
Alone the duckling so gray and ugly
Felt so bittersweet, glum and queer
While the swans were exquisitely fair
Alone the sun so bright and splendent
Feels so wistful, sad and melancholic
Why is it hated though it's so resplendent?
Alone and wretched I stand too like them
Like a cloud drizzling in the sky
Forlorn in the dusk quietly I cry
:) Please rate my poem out of ten on this link: http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/alone-and-wretched/
(12/20/2014 11:02:00 AM)
Swept The Sound in The Night
and the Moon
behind the wall clock
swept the sound
in The Night
for a Bandit
pull out from
' Hello Hello How Low?' 3x
Dooor! ! !
me and the Moon nyengir
wrapped in the tongue-cloth
think thrice to play your pistol at midnight,
or your baby beside
nge-Blink = Blinking
Nyengir = Grin
(12/17/2014 12:17:00 AM)
Loneliness.....oh! ! I hate loneliness
Loneliness.....its a phase of emptiness
& Loneliness is a way to nostalgia
Nostalgia-a stage of lifelessness
But at times, I get nostalgic
WHY?I don't understand
HOW?I don't understand
But all I know is that sometimes I get nostalgic,
either in the dread of future....or with the lost hand....
Loneliness-its got an enchanting power
which detaches from all worldliness,
detaches from all chains.....chains which are futile,
and detaches from all consciousness,
and arouses in me a state of nostalgia,
which is even more futile, with all its illusiveness......
This is for what I hate loneliness.....
Loneliness-its a phase of emptiness......
and all it brings beyond consciousness.....
is just an illusion, but all I know
is that factually n actually everything is mere illusion,
even the so called " true" mirror's reflection......
reflectong with a lateral inversion......
Loneliness-detaches from all worldliness
so, i hate loneliness.......
But somehow, it awakens in me, the spirits of fictitiousness......
the tools of imagination& an " illusion" of infinite " liveliness" .
This is for what despite of a million reasons to hate loneliness, I still love......
to cherish loneliness....
Sometimes I pleasure loneliness....
Sometimes I treasure loneliness......
But, all I understand is that I hate loneliness, and still..........more or less......
I " love loneliness" ........
(12/16/2014 6:51:00 PM)
love to hear. new to site.
A glimpse beyond the walls, I see a life of which will never be
But oh, how high a man can dream?!
To heights unmatched and seldom seen
I touched the star that grants a wish, saw the face that launched 1,000 ships
Had everything, and so t'was bliss
but lost it all, Just.....Like.....This.
For Alas! , I am not meant for those, precious moments of parental prose
Nay- I am just meant to be alone
This curse I bear on my own.
Like a drunk, I rue the morning next, where reality replaces happiness
And darkness mixed with loneliness
Consumes the light my soul emits.
But something in me knew it then, eventually the floor would spin
A vortex where escape is thin
Here past the event horizon.
So alone I walk, toward Destined Death
Not of my flesh, but imagination
For a dream can quickly turn nightmare
And many times I've seen the pyre
Consume my spirit, hopes and desires
(12/13/2014 4:15:00 AM)
Lying on a brick bed
In a noiseless dark room
Lies an unsettling feeling
There is something in the corner
Laughing at myself " It's all in my mind"
Or maybe it's in my head
Next to the mirror full of gloom
A shadow as tall as the ceiling
There is something standing in the corner
Wondering " Is this real life?"
Sleeplessness is starting to make me insane
Trying to fall asleep I shut my eyes
My mind begins to drift away.....
There is something breathing in the corner
Heavier than the weight of a million tombs
My energy seems to drain
It's coming to take my life
" Where have my thoughts began to stray?"
There is something watching in the corner
I need to get out of this room
Paralyzed, perilously awaiting death
But it's all simply a figment of imagination..
I blink my eyes but it doesn't disappear
It's empty face in disguise
And bearing a haunting glare
The taker of souls invading me in my rest
Watching it in helpless desperation
It slowly approaches nearer
Close enough to see the nothingness in it's eyes
I told you there was something over there
" Someone save me"
Succumbing to it's outstretched arms reluctantly
Attempting to move but it is a waste
I can feel hands around my neck
Not a single helpless howl can escape
" Are you going to take me?"
My breath stops suddenly
Stealing the blood from my veins
Drowning in it's dreary darkness
I hear it bellow my name
Comment of the Day
- From The Book of Nightmares
This is the tenth poem
and it is the last. It is right