Critiques and Revision

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  • Gold Star - 15,988 Points Mandolyn ... (6/30/2014 1:34:00 PM) Post reply
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    -our street had one name-

    my heart moved like a child
    who couldn't hold it
    when you walked behind me
    but i wouldn't ask to go

    and you never picked me up
    or rushed me to a stall,
    because i paused too much
    at doorways
    hoping to go in

    you'd write
    things on your palm
    which caused accidents
    in the crotch of my spine
    as you'd bump me
    when your thoughts turned
    to her well played crosswalk

    and now, you'll never understand
    how hard it's been
    to suck on the words
    you type with unease

    to see you stand still
    in a photograph
    without me there
    to punctuate the quiet

  • Rookie Susie Marie Arviso (6/30/2014 12:06:00 AM) Post reply

    The stillness of winter in silent glory

    Lulling; calming delightful treasure

    Majestically she displays her story

    This seasonal prize and timeless pleasure

    Icicles glaze the land in crystal

    In placid, twinkling life enshrined

    A still and frozen region; distal

    That awes the eyes in a glassy shine

    Carpets of powdery white expansion

    Over the mountains, plains and hills

    With celestial, beauteous refractions

    Resonating glory in frozen tranquil

    When alas, pelting drips of snow-melt

    Will soon return new life - restored

    When the stillness of winter in quiet hope felt

    Slowly releases life's vigor, once more

  • Gold Star - 15,988 Points Mandolyn ... (6/29/2014 11:17:00 AM) Post reply

    -face the other way while i pretend to love you-

    you used to be my clubhouse,
    my afternoon tea time
    in a tomato patch where you dared me to lick a worm.
    you ran to get your Fuji camera–

    i watched the walls grow up
    since then;
    your sloppy footprints trip me on the carpet
    because we can never be buddies on a porch swing
    or act like this is normal–

    my knees are in; your elbow touches the window
    creating a smudge i'm convinced is fiction
    and the rain plays inside
    ignoring all the dishes.

    oh the agony of pretending, how afraid
    i once was
    to be in the shoes of someone else
    to run after an obese cloud,
    because i needed water from somewhere else
    to top off my wounds

    i never grow around these parts–

    you rake reflections of us in the yard
    drilling holes in the stump of a tree,
    asking me if fire sounds like this

    i say it's dark
    and thunder is tight-lipped–
    i can feel it spit whenever i point at what is quiet.

    this feeling is so loud
    i won't believe in fates temper
    i don't want my feet to drag when
    we rock back and forth
    bothering the moon with our childhood tricks.

    we were another time;
    a full length day
    a better way was never showing up.

  • Gold Star - 21,206 Points Gangadharan Nair Pulingat (6/29/2014 10:17:00 AM) Post reply

    Critiques and revisions on poems is important to make it beautifully modified and fit for reading to the readers who are the genuine opinion makers that I think.

  • Gold Star - 21,206 Points Gangadharan Nair Pulingat (6/28/2014 10:35:00 AM) Post reply

    Though I am so much interested in poems and continues in reading of great poems this is the largest platform of individual poetries and poets that I get a chance to communicate and have its goodness to part with. I take this opportunity and request to read my poem the Banian tree.

  • Rookie Olaniran Oluwasina (6/26/2014 1:51:00 AM) Post reply

    I Look To You: For The Future

    A little boy with dreams i was
    Nightly did i close my eyes
    And let my mind bring fantasies
    To gently slide me in blissful sleep
    Of future days, i smiled & dreamt
    Pictures sliding in & out
    Nightly thus, my ritual was
    My own fantastic lullaby

    A young man now, i am, with dreams
    With greater scope and wider means
    Drawing on imagination's themes
    Elaborate paintings on mental canvas
    I see your face and hear you laugh
    I see the love shining in your eyes
    That special look you have just for me
    When i hold you in my dreams

    And time passes slowly till that day
    When i'll hold you in my arms
    Tickle you and whisper in your ears
    See, i already named you as my joy
    You, my hope & life, my wings &.... I...
    I just wait for that day
    My pride, my strength,
    My firstborn......... My Daughter..

  • Rookie Jishnu Nair (6/22/2014 10:11:00 PM) Post reply

    The Love Chapter by Jishnu V Nair

    Chapter - 1

    Love At First Sight

    " Love-struck" a word i heard
    First time when i was in third
    Wondered how it would feel
    Was sure i would never kneel

    Saw her the first time that day
    Lost my heart and lost my say
    The world around me froze
    Filled with the fragrance of a rose

    Mumbled there beside my friend
    I would love her till the very end
    He smiled and pat my back
    Told me that i m a crack

    What enigma is this???
    Wondered my mind
    I had never felt this way
    Is this the reason why people pray???

    Stood there gazing wide.
    Wish i cud take her on a ride.
    With her by my side.
    I would conquer world in a slide.

    I was on cloud nine
    Everything seemed so fine
    Like there was nothing to whine
    Everything seemed to shine

    What was happening to me???
    Had I found my heart key

    My mind filled with thoughts
    Lost in her hair knots
    I had found the one
    The one
    Who would love me like none

    Gathered my strengths the next day
    I knew exactly what i had to say
    Was sure i would take her heart away

    Thought of approaching her alone
    No more will I be so lone
    In this world of utter chaos
    I thought I found a rose

    I told her everything in sheer
    My hands were trembling with fear
    But she smiled and told me something
    It felt to me as though she was singing
    Then she brought her hand forward
    Told me " Let's just be friends"
    I had just reached Dead Ends

    A thousand dreams shattered
    Insides of me Fluttered
    I just couldn't say anything
    I managed to mumble" Well, It's something" .

    Sometimes things don't go right
    Even though it's love at first sight
    It Seems someone wanted me to be alone
    Coz I ended up in the Friend-Zone

  • Veteran Poet - 3,477 Points Is It Poetry (6/17/2014 11:36:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    When Lilly Kisses Rose

    When lilly kisses rose
    and lilly I did know
    and trees I thought
    grew very deep
    and lived
    within the forest.

    And green
    the hay is sweet
    and brown
    dry moss cries

    And lilies white
    remind the sky
    blue cotton
    clouds they swirl.

    There grew the two.
    so dear
    most thought.

    Short breath
    two centered

    And how
    them both
    I stood
    once near
    their hearts
    too far.

    And when
    I know
    roses grow
    and pressed
    so hard
    was I.

    And cups
    of milk
    I loaned to
    and spice.

    Sugar sweets
    they made
    from them
    now to know
    both why.

    lilly bridged
    sweet roses
    bank as
    water rushes

    Replies for this message:
    • Veteran Poet - 3,477 Points Marlin Nightingale (6/19/2014 3:23:00 PM) Post reply

      Nice! Simply.. fascinating.. It dances in and out of my understanding. Defines some and leaves some to be defined.

  • Rookie Debra Robinson (6/14/2014 7:30:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Arlington National Cemetery

    In the rolling hills of Arlington
    White headstones stand row by row
    In a sacred trust bestowed
    Upon those hallowed grounds
    Through the decades, the battles and wars

    The day is done, gone the sun
    The bugler stands alone.

    In a demonstration of an ethos
    A horse-drawn caisson will pass
    Among the headstones to a final resting place
    With the clicking of heels in the distance
    Paces matched stride for stride
    At the tomb of the unknowns

    The day is done, gone the sun
    The bugler stands alone.

    Straight line formations
    Where valor has come to rest
    For these soldiers
    Who through the eyes of history
    Their last call sounded
    Interned and at rest
    Surrendering to the emotion

    The day is done, gone the sun
    The bugler stands alone.

    © June 14,2014

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie Isaac Dale (6/15/2014 12:38:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

      It reads well, don't you think? Some memorable lines. I'm not finished with familiarity with it yet (a good many reads, for me) , but I like enough to do so. The refrain is call-like. ... an ethos.. ... more

  • Rookie Joeseph Espinoa (6/14/2014 2:45:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    persisting throughout the day,
    why is it that i feel this way?

    slowly decaying;
    eroded by time.
    surely there is more
    to this life of mine,

    outside of
    routine repetition?

    yet as if without delay,
    felicity leaves the gray,
    amongst the stagnence
    is something alive:
    satisfaction in,
    most barren disguise.

    expectation eventually
    drives dissapointment.

    Replies for this message:
    • Rookie Debra Robinson (6/14/2014 7:41:00 PM) Post reply

      This feels a bit confusing and incomplete to me. I want to participate in the journey but I just don't get a sense of direction from it. I think there is very good stuff here, please don't think it' ... more

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