Critiques and Revision


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  • Richard Blay (3/27/2014 3:11:00 PM) Post reply

    A short notes about a poem for revision is needed, so poets take note.
    Provide a short note to your poems here. Thank you

  • Rookie - 126 Points Nika Mcguin (3/26/2014 3:27:00 PM) Post reply | Read 2 replies

    Amoretto Questionnaire

    I've never been in love, all arrows have failed to land
    so there's probably alot about it, I don't quite understand
    hence, I've compiled this questionnaire
    anent all the hopeless romantics out there:

    how is it, one can become so enamored
    within the stretch of a month or so?
    and when such ephemeral flings do end
    snapping as would a flimsy rubber band
    some are beside themselves with grief?

    how and why is it, that love birds forsake the flock?
    momma & pop, lifelong friends, all but abandoned at the dock
    yet wholeheartedly sailing off with the, 'new kid on the block'
    am I unkind, to think such shipment is but a load of crock?

    why is it, that base, sappy cliches
    become the things you find yourself athirst to hear?
    such timeworn prattles, that to an outsider like myself
    are oft discerned as cheap, penny a pop, poppycock!

    mayhaps, someday I'll add whirr to the swarming love poem sea
    and declare, 'alas, they got me! '
    but currently, I only blind folk see

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  • Rookie - 27 Points Addy Adenawo (3/21/2014 8:46:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Inner peace

    Seeking inner peace
    In the dregs of insanity
    But these dregs shadow calamity
    That envelopes in its folds of false security
    False security?only then mere mortals fade away
    Where vacuum take hold and sanity is lost
    And the search for sanity seems futile
    Dotted with vile undulations

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  • Rookie - 27 Points Ella Pitt (3/18/2014 5:33:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Newly Old Clothes

    My favourite stripes and
    Those jeans that I wish I'd
    Never bought that mock me
    With their tensile seams
    Of dingy disinfectant yellow.
    They're churning, wrenching, twisting
    Pretzals that I grab with both fists
    Press them to carnivorous teeth
    That quiver underneath
    a Buffalo charge.
    Split hooves, splitting headache
    Four inches above teeth where
    My third eye should be.

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    • Atheanga Tiomaint (3/18/2014 7:24:00 PM) Post reply

      Very well-written, Ella. " that mock me with their tensile seams" , perfectly put!

  • Rookie - 27 Points Ella Pitt (3/18/2014 5:32:00 PM) Post reply

    Scratch

    Systematically I scratched at a
    Stubborn residue, insignificant but
    Annoyingly present.
    But I wasn't really scratching
    Away at that sticky fleck of molecular matter
    I was watching the
    Malleable plasticine faces on
    The insides of my eyelids.
    And listening to the nauseatingly
    Muffled intonations from
    The insides of my walls
    Wishing I could sink my
    Fingers into my own
    Obstinately unmoving features.
    Or tickle the string of my
    Vocal chords into submission.
    Until my own muffles were coersed
    Brought up from a
    Stinging acidic pool.
    Accumulated from carbonated water
    And dissolved sweetener.
    I feel the fabric around me
    Become tepid and callous
    Its no longer healing
    It is finite polyester

  • Rookie - 27 Points Ella Pitt (3/18/2014 5:31:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Milk

    A congealed epidermis.
    My repugnant antagonist.
    Two hundred milliliters at
    Ten forty five.
    Two hundred milliliters at
    Three thirty.
    Just in case the emetic scent
    Had evaded my nostrils.
    Or the diaphonous film
    Was no longer clinging to
    My tonsils generating
    Glutinous saliva.
    I have the self sufficiency of
    An overflowing bin
    Begging to be relieved of
    The soiled nappies and the
    Mildew food packages that
    Fill its cavity.
    Every day I put it in the microwave
    For an extra minute
    Hoping that the boiling temperature
    Will incinerate the impurity
    That lies dorment but like mould
    On my much too long tongue.
    It leers at me.
    Lecherous and toadying villain.
    So I stir it with a spoon
    That sweats with condensation

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  • Rookie - 27 Points Zane Tyree (3/18/2014 6:05:00 AM) Post reply

    Hope

    You are my life, my soul, and my heart.
    Without you I have no reason to carry on.
    With you I can help those around me live.

    I am your armor.
    You are my sword.
    Without you I am weak.
    With you I am invincible.

    As I grow in life you grow with me.
    When I'm drowning in the darkness; you are my light,
    As you dwindle in the face of others,
    I stand for you.

    I shall never fall with you there,
    Others will fall into darkness.

    I must become you to save them.
    I must be their armor and their sword.
    I shall guide them to the light.
    Forever and always until we fade.

  • Rookie - 27 Points Zev Davis (3/18/2014 5:20:00 AM) Post reply

    FILLING THE PAGES
    " As King David prided himself before the Holy Ark, " I learned from everyone that taught me anything" , and as our Sages tell us, " He that is wise, learns from everyone, " (Pele Yoetz, Scorn,2)

    Life glides across like a pen,
    whose nib fills with ink each day
    gathers experience along the way
    on blank paper, records events.

    A bump and grind, a derriere
    faces me, as if a smile,
    no matter, rather that revile
    than some hard, cold bitter stare,

    one more lesson, out on a road
    than soft rich earth smooths the path,
    feels good, like swimming on a swath
    of straight and narrow, easily trod

    gathering everything that we know,
    details of existence, compile the, take
    each part, a chain of memories, breaks
    in pieces, passing through, bestow

    patience and kindness, what we see
    pleasant otherwise, listen and learn,
    no matter where, not time to spurn
    what we traverse, wherever we be.

    Zev Davis

  • Rookie - 27 Points Andrew Ferguson (3/15/2014 7:10:00 AM) Post reply

    Elated

    Today, was unlike any of the others,
    Steps knew no bounds,
    Tunes intuitively sound,
    High horseman stepped down,
    For fate introduced two singles, too lovers

    My First, a son, my child’s Mother,
    First birthday, cheap clown
    First stumble, first frown
    First “Burger King” crown
    A love which I smother

    Unexpected, having not sought her
    In bound, on bored, first ride into town,
    Frustrations definitions, now found
    “Happy Meals” now, cheap toys with no crowns,
    My life with a daughter

    Rhodes a little dustier now,
    Rebellious and loud,
    Opinions, ignorance, pot clouds,
    What have I allowed?
    What did I do wrong?
    When?How?

    Yet now a dustier road,
    Money pits
    Pests out of the house,
    Peace, quite
    Champagne and cheese for the house mannered mouse
    Frequent, less frequent
    Less phone calls home,
    To this mouse friendly abode,
    I miss the chaos, I miss the wrestles I miss being “dad”
    They have left,
    But,
    I want them home.

    Flesh underground
    Soon heeding the Piper, soon heed to fate
    Looking back at the bruises, the tears, those first frowns
    Surprised by two miracles, first life, unbound, now bound
    Hospice, now, sleep soon eternally sound,
    Two of my kin in which I am proud
    Those leading years in the clouds led up until now,
    Two gifts of life, both spoken aloud
    Next stop the king, the one with the real “kings” crown
    Life was perfect in the ups, and remained up in the downs,
    At peace,
    Passing on
    &
    Elated with peace, a soul heavenly found

  • Rookie - 27 Points Andrew Ferguson (3/15/2014 2:11:00 AM) Post reply

    Hearts of the unbroken

    Just know that I care,
    That’s all that should matter,
    It’s that love that we’ve shared,
    So let us reflect on the latter.

    Timid hides behind expression,
    The feelings I have for her,
    It’s having been without you,
    That’s made me the sadder,

    Breaches in trust,
    Love sunk emotion,
    For ours was no lust,
    But
    Fathoms measured by oceans,
    It’s our love that we’ve shared,
    In which holds meaningful devotion,

    We stayed true to fates giving,
    Now left alone, set apart,
    No choice but to keep living,
    For we carry oceans measured by fathoms, in heart,

    Seeing sights fortune, that which bestows us,
    Futures beholding,
    Moving forward,
    Hopes holding,

    So in walking trust
    We so stage for fates molding.
    Held with the knowing
    That what we see as showing

    Together Life shares as one,
    Although parted, left unfolding,
    The weight on guilt, shamefully with holding,
    Despite feeling like tons
    It’s less than others loathing

    Reflections of our past, over takes me,
    The glad,
    The sad,
    And even the Angry,
    Memories we both have had.
    It’s the truth of life and what it’s sold me,
    It’s what’s been had, I will hold closest, you see?
    For I will always keep faith in obtainment,
    Not just for I but also for thee
    Never lonely, when together, you see?
    Too me it is “an obviously”

    Despite miles in measure, that of which keeping “distance”,
    Feelings light as a feather,
    It’s how we insist this,
    For there is not another,
    Not one,
    Nor the other,
    That can break our loves tether
    In life,
    Still one together,

    So, let us look at perceptions,
    Self introspective sight,
    Both of us alike,
    What’s keeping the pain?
    Remember the strife?

    Strength is what we’ll find that keeps “us” alive,
    Let’s work on “us”,
    Individual certainty will keep us at strive,
    Giving us “life”
    One less of “demise”,
    With joyful tears and welling eyes,
    Life’s offerings of rendition,
    Loves song to the skies

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