Critiques and Revision
Pedro Andres Rodriguez
(11/5/2013 10:34:00 AM)
Newbie poet seeking an honest critique. http://www.poemhunter.com/pedro-andres-rodriguez/
(11/3/2013 2:53:00 PM)
| Read 1 reply
I'm being drawn in,
The darkness consumes me,
The black hole,
Constantly drawing me in,
I can't escape,
As I see the nothingness of life,
The perfection of being invisible,
Knowing that no one can help,
That none want to help,
Feeling the blade of truth,
Gives me the realization of life,
Being lost in the fog,
There is no relief,
I've become lost in the darkness,
I can do everything,
But I can't feel anything.
Again just a critique.
(11/3/2013 2:53:00 PM)
| Read 1 reply
As I sit here confused,
Not knowing whether today will be my last,
I feel so numb I'm amused,
Unaware of the sadness I cast,
My heart will fail,
My mind will break,
When I go no one will tell,
Do I have what it will take,
To remove this world of a curse,
To give this world a relief,
After its done I know what will immerse,
This world won't change its belief.
Just a critique.
Eliseo 'elcid' Cinco Iii
(11/3/2013 3:56:00 AM)
Could you critique my poems and give me suggestions. I am in need of feedback on the poems I composed.Thanks.
(10/31/2013 5:42:00 PM)
Click here to list all messages
Terrance Tracy Male,66, United States (10/31/2013 2: 45: 00 PM)
As I walk along my drive
with hedges and oak trees on each side
in the late morning what was once solitary
of commerce is now lost to the droning out
to the noise of a highway.
No longer do the birds that used to be
land in the trees for me to see
imminent domain is all that remains of one's
solitude in which I enjoyed my refuge.
Occasionally a crow will be there to brag
where is my home oh what a drag
to hear him squawk no more like the hawk
that sits on a telephone wire to fill his beak
with a morsel that is meek.
This is the age of progress
oh how we have digressed
in the name of prosperity we have lost
what once was a beautiful tapestry.
In spite of progress there exist places of
serenity how much more will they go on
before their lost to mankind's duplicity.
Each generation to come
will see the erosion of the beauty that was
for all to accompany witness the fate
of exclamation at the destruction of the nation
because of corporate damnation
of God's beautiful plantation.
The city lights blind the stars
to make poets wonder where
Though the night skies grow dim
our future does not have to be slim.
If we could all agree God's mighty
power will shine again.
(10/31/2013 2:54:00 PM)
Two boats embrace
bow to bow, face to face.
No longer taut,
a simple knot
the rope slips off.
Sliding into the waves' troughs,
they silently start
to drift apart.
of the growing gap,
the coming despair.
Still in sight,
of each other's light,
but no longer in
each other's sight.
Then, the storms
begin to strike,
each one separate,
but still, alike.
By the time,
the sun's bursts
they'll will be
Like some hearts,
far, too far
(10/30/2013 11:22:00 AM)
I'm relatively new to poemhunter and definitely open to ideas and points of improvement. If anyone would be willing to check out/critique my poems particularly I am Cooked, Rubies and Garnets and The Perfectionist I will be eternally grateful!
Kaylin Ruth Adarne
(10/30/2013 7:28:00 AM)
I‘d cut my nails, tie my hair, and check myself in the mirror twice
All I know is I ought to look nice
To please you, though it’s as clear the blue skies that I don’t have to
Cause you like the exact reflection in the mirror and not the way people want me to
Then we would meet at your simple and loving place
Where we’d talk and play simple tunes
Then you’d blush and smile when I look at your face
And to your eyes, as bright as the moon
Our fingers would touch slightly and softly
Would give me shivers that I want to linger
But I’d hold my heart back and smile at the thought shyly
For all I know, we’re just kids and nothing would go deeper
Sometimes we’d sit at the sofa and watch a movie
And I noticed how shy, quiet, and serious you are from a small distance
Those were the times that I tried to move closely
It’s sad. No matter how small of a distance would fade all the chance
The day you asked me to go with you to a sacred place
A hangout that I’d always remember till this day
When I felt the most scared and awkward of all times
I knew you want me to be closer to Him and I want you to be mine
In my mind it stayed as a memory flashing back every now and then
There are times I would smile
There are moments I would cry
It’s hard to accept the fact that those are just memories remembered then forgotten
Days went by as quiet as the air, the vision of you became a blur
Can’t remember exactly how you turned into such a “nobody” in the end
If ever I’ll have your touch again, I am not sure
All the times we spent for now are just fading moments
please I need criticisms..thank you
(10/28/2013 3:12:00 AM)
Clutching bed sheets,
muffling the sounds of
the last train to Century Park -
whispers of my lover float
above my head,
and between my legs
Blood pumps unevenly,
flowing straight to the fingertips;
leaving my hands numb,
lost, dead, flopping
over the sides of my bed
The creases in my belly
(disgusting pig gut)
mock my posture,
and the spots on my face
mock my shapeless body
But you still love me so, only you
and my soul remains warm,
unchanged and untouched,
confused in this ugly corpse
this filthy pile of fat and bones
growing and bulging like a cancer
I keep it safe, just for you -
You lovely, blind fool
when our skin meets again,
palm against palm,
I’ll be beautiful again
(10/27/2013 4:49:00 AM)
Hello I would like to request that if you have a time to spare please read my poems. All my poems currently registered except for camping and night sky was written 2 or 3 years ago. Please enjoy: D