Treasure Island

Critiques and Revision

Post your poems here for objective, honest critiques and suggestions.
Post a message


  • Denise Naidoo (8/17/2014 4:03:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    hi guys! Please check out my spoken word below

    Let me know what you think! : -) Advice appreciated! ! ! ! !

    Much Love!

  • Tim Dolan (8/3/2014 11:27:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    -I want to go forward (a song of young love)

    We go forward
    We go
    Together together
    Go forward
    We go forward
    Don’t stop
    Go forward
    We go forward
    Because I
    Go forward
    We go forward
    Don’t stop
    Don’t stop
    Can’t stop
    Will not stop
    March forward
    Because I
    Cannot stop
    Will not stop
    Don’t stop
    Go forward
    You must
    Go forward
    Ahead ahead
    In front
    Go forward
    Please Go
    Don’t stop
    Never stop
    I will go
    I will not stop
    I will go I will go I will go

    Because I
    I can
    I know I can
    I will go
    Because I can
    I must
    not stop
    I can’t stop
    Never stop
    I can’t stop
    I won’t stop
    Who could stop me
    I can’t stop
    I go forward
    Please don’t stop me
    I can’t stop
    Please don’t stop me
    Only you only you
    You, you only

    I am here I am here
    For the first time
    I am here
    The first, the last
    The only
    I am here
    I am present
    Afraid afraid
    I am here
    Stay here stay here
    Lie down
    Don’t go
    Lay a while
    No need to go
    Don’t go don’t go
    Lay a while
    Until you don’t want to go
    There is no need to go
    Don’t go

    We dress well we dress well
    I am change
    I have changed
    I am change
    Leave it behind
    And out of the way
    We dress well
    We go forward
    We are change
    Dressed well dressed well
    Undress undress undress
    Nothing between nothing between
    Nothing between us
    The night
    Leave it behind
    Nothing between
    Ahead ahead ahead
    Dressed well

    Dance with me
    I will feel
    You will feel
    I won’t go I won’t go
    Everything will be alright
    Everything will
    I won’t go
    Dance with me
    We could be in love
    in love
    We could we could
    We can
    We will
    Will will will will will
    You will feel alright
    Everything will be alright
    I could be alright
    I should be alright
    If we fall in love
    I will be alright
    I’m not afraid
    Don’t be afraid
    Dance with me
    We will fall in love
    Dance with me
    Dance and fall
    And fall and fall and fall
    I will follow, I will fall
    So I can follow
    Behind behind behind
    I am here I am present
    I promise
    I am here
    I can follow, I can fall

    This is true this is true
    When we fall
    It will be true
    I have seen
    I know I know I know
    I have seen
    This is true
    Let go
    To fly and fall
    To fly and fall
    I will fly
    We will not fall
    We will fly
    We must fly
    Fly and not fall
    Imagine and dream
    Fly but do not fall
    Let’s go
    I will go
    Follow, please follow
    I will fly
    I must fly
    I need to fly
    Fly with me
    Please follow

    I want to go forward
    I want to go forward
    I want to go forward
    I want to go forward
    I want to go forward
    I want to go forward
    I want to go
    I want to go
    I want to go
    I want to go

  • Jeffrey Gonell (7/29/2014 3:44:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    The Light of Your Smile

    The light of your smile, shines with the color of heaven,
    You are the Angel I seek, to guild me through my lessons.
    The light of you smile, shines with the plasma of stars,
    Your beauty takes me to the cosmos, out so very far.
    The light of your smile, gave me the desire to rise,
    Up to your level of expectation, and transform into your kind of guy.
    The light of your smile, woke me up and brought me to life,
    Your profound love, gave me the wings that flew me above the skies.

    Your smile leaves me hypnotized, mystified, and synchronized,
    With your eyes, when closing mine, your lips are all I could visualize.
    The light of your smile, takes me over with style, leaving me synthesized,
    With thoughts of you walking down the aisle, your body I want to privatize.

    The light of your smile, struck me and opened my eyes,
    Those rays of love, shun new hopes of happiness into my life.
    The light of your smile, gave me the experience of you,
    Leaving me with the desire to hold you, kiss you, and make you my boo.
    The light of your smile, took me out of a bad dream,
    You rescued me with your love, love only you could bring.
    The light of your smile, zapped me and left my life in sparks,
    Sometimes it's hard for me to believe, that I once lived so sad and dark.

    Your smile leaves me hypnotized, mystified, and synchronized,
    With your eyes, when closing mine, your lips are all I could visualize.
    The light of your smile, takes me over with style, leaving me synthesized,
    With thoughts of you walking down the aisle, your body I want to privatize.

    By Jeffrey Gonell

  • Morgan Patterson (7/22/2014 10:10:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply Stage

    A poem about Scottish independance.

    The 19th

    We wake up and feel nothing,
    No nerves, worry or excitement,
    Gone are the ideas and energy,
    Our slumber continues,
    We cement our lethargy,

    Sinking back into the cozy periphery,
    With no control of our future,
    We revel in our misery,
    The weight of change lay heavy on us all,
    But apathy will soon have us back in its thrall,

    And so we’re left waiting,
    For the drudgery to continue,
    The poor to get poorer,
    Greed and Corruption our virtue,

    Have we picked the easy option?
    A path we deplore,
    So now this is it,
    What’s left to hope for?

    Replies for this message:
  • Saiom Shriver (7/18/2014 12:03:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply Stage

    I have logged in but am unable to post a poem. Can you help? Thank you

    Replies for this message:
    • Kevin Patrick (8/15/2014 2:29:00 PM) Post reply Stage

      If you go to manage poems you'll see a box which says post poems, click it, then write down your poem. Hope this helps! :)

  • Richard Beevor (7/15/2014 12:20:00 PM) Post reply Stage Any comments, helpful words welcome. Thank you very much from Richard Allen Beevor

  • Samantha Pearson (7/14/2014 7:05:00 PM) Post reply | Read 4 replies Stage

    Rotten Harvest

    I want, and therefore I need
    Instant gratification begets moralities for greed
    We trade justice for just us and a handful of feed
    Stuff coffers, but not ours, with these misguided seeds
    If only through moans be we had cut down these weeds
    Before they had sprouted into black twisted trees
    And overshadowed us with our own damaged creed

    Replies for this message:
    • Cheryl Griffith (8/3/2014 9:30:00 PM) Post reply Stage

      This is wonderful! It is interesting the way you manage to maintain that consistent 'eed' rhyme. The rhyme scheme is a simplistic end rhyme but this is no simple poem, this is a very powerful poem wit ... more

    • Jeffrey Gonell (7/29/2014 3:46:00 PM) Post reply Stage

      Great rhymes, Samantha.

    • Matthew Addai (7/21/2014 4:27:00 AM) Post reply Stage

      Short but very powerful and relatable. Great piece

    • Saiom Shriver (7/18/2014 12:07:00 PM) Post reply Stage

      While I believe that weeds too are senti ... more

  • Terrance Tracy (7/4/2014 8:24:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    Terrance Tracy (7/4/2014 2: 43: 00 AM) Post reply | Delete this message
    Foolish Journey
    O the anguish that hurts the soul are words spoken when one’s emotions are high, vicious accusations relentlessly expressed gave birth to a foolish journey to find some rest.

    The seasonal high humidity and heat accompany the disabled voyager on a foolish journey to what end he did not know nor care.

    With each step pain is felt in his temporal body and eternal soul, health or peril he did not care on this foolish journey to nowhere.

    One more step and then another, one more step and then another the voyager rehearsed in his mind giving no thought as to what he left behind.

    Traveling on a busy highway struggling with each step the voyager stumbled by a familiar church perhaps he should stop here, but his soul was wounded and he would not abide in there.

    One quarter of a mile up the highway he spied a bridge with grave needs for a voyager to rest, there he will sit and pray to his God to ask for forgiveness for undertaking such a foolish journey.

    Reaching the bridge he accepts the invitation of the rail and begins to contemplate the fruition of his fate, dear Lord what have I done I left behind the love of my life in this test of strife.

    The traffic was heavy and so was his soul, as the voyager sat on the bridge rail several cars stopped and offered help but all the voyager could muster was to say that he was homeless and nowhere to go; for he wanted to be alone with his Lord and ask for his sins to be atoned; he just wanted people to leave him alone.

    Hampered with physical limitations he could not take a step forward or back so he just sat there and began praying and hearing his Lord speaking to his heart that which you have done was not very smart.

    I do not condemn you so look for no stones for your sins have been atoned return to your love, the wife of your youth, for I will give you strength to endure the hardships and defeat the roaring lion that roars your ears and has caused you to be covered in tears.
    Terrance Tracy

  • Gangadharan Nair Pulingat (7/3/2014 10:49:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    Critiques and revision column is very useful to the extent of poems one posted and trying to use this column.

  • Mandolyn ... (6/30/2014 1:34:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    -our street had one name-

    my heart moved like a child
    who couldn't hold it
    when you walked behind me
    but i wouldn't ask to go

    and you never picked me up
    or rushed me to a stall,
    because i paused too much
    at doorways
    hoping to go in

    you'd write
    things on your palm
    which caused accidents
    in the crotch of my spine
    as you'd bump me
    when your thoughts turned
    to her well played crosswalk

    and now, you'll never understand
    how hard it's been
    to suck on the words
    you type with unease

    to see you stand still
    in a photograph
    without me there
    to punctuate the quiet

[Hata Bildir]