Critiques and Revision

Post your poems here for objective, honest critiques and suggestions.
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  • Rookie - 75 Points Lungelo The Clairvoyant (10/25/2014 11:58:00 AM) Post reply

    Hi, could you guys please read my latest piece which I titled, Vent Of A Laden Heart. Thank you.

  • Rookie - 41 Points Poga Humayun Dundiwala (10/21/2014 10:53:00 PM) Post reply

    sweetswords /diwali.

    At dipawali.
    Light the lamp for blind God.
    With blind faith.

    #dawkins #dipawali

  • Gold Star - 10,157 Points John Westlake (10/20/2014 4:52:00 PM) Post reply | Read 2 replies

    Until the book of my life is filled
    I must keep writing it
    almost like a diary
    of what has happened in my existence so far

    Words lines and paragraphs are added
    more of them each day
    the future is left blank
    as the book knows not what will come to be

    Sometimes I like to turn the pages back
    to remember what happened before
    but whole chapters I will not read again
    some things are better off left be

    At the end of my life the book will be completed
    it will never be a best seller in the shops
    but it was never meant to be
    all that would matter
    is that it would belong to me

    Replies for this message:
    • Anand Brown (10/21/2014 5:15:00 AM) Post reply

      The concept of the poem is without fault, the execution lacks creativity and does not show the creative zeal you would expect a post-modern poet to have. I'll say it is a work in progress, but you are ... more

    • Points Of View (10/20/2014 9:21:00 PM) Post reply

      Yes! That would belong to you John..There's more empty page to fill it up...Your still young...Still a long way to run(walk) .

  • Rookie - 41 Points Poga Humayun Dundiwala (10/18/2014 7:42:00 PM) Post reply


    Those who are far away.
    Yet remains in intimate thoughts.
    They are never apart.

  • Rookie - 41 Points Poga Humayun Dundiwala (10/18/2014 7:41:00 PM) Post reply


    Those who are far away.
    Yet remains in intimate thoughts.
    They are never apart.

  • Rookie - 5 Points ian Timmons (10/18/2014 12:57:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    trembling heart.
    cry no more.
    I've come to cure you.

    the love you seek cannot be yours.
    but don't cry, don't cry.
    by cure a knife to end your suffering.
    tonight i'll grant you freedom.

    Replies for this message:
    • Anand Brown (10/21/2014 5:18:00 AM) Post reply

      I love the concept of your poem, its witty and evocative, however, it lacks execution. I love the fact that you sought to condense it into short lines as oppose to dragging out the action. Give more m ... more

  • Silver Star - 8,927 Points Mohammad Skati (10/11/2014 1:29:00 PM) Post reply

    Wonderful lines of poetry with great thoughts and ideas. Thanks.

  • Freshman - 1,885 Points Points Of View (10/10/2014 10:47:00 PM) Post reply

    You always keep a record of wrong..
    'Correction your Honor! '
    Comments are too long...

    You have telescopic eye.
    No single word and grammar-
    Slip thru your sense of sight..
    Even lines and spacing - won't let it by..
    When it doesn't suit your sense of style.
    You gather all mistakes and file..
    Then post what you know is right.

    Life in PH is not an easy task..
    Like living in a flask.
    CRITICS are in every corner at ease..
    Ready for the quest.
    Waiting for the Best and the Beast 'MASTERPIECE'

    'Sorry I did not mean to embarrassed' -their line-
    But self esteemed already washed.
    Next time too careful not to fluff.
    But it ended gaffe..

    No Exemption to the rule..
    Nobody is perfect..
    But we're trying to be perfect..
    We made mistakes and fall..
    Even animals w/four legs may stumble and fall..
    So focus on your own tale..
    Let me pull my own tail..

  • Rookie - 0 Points Lynn Bryan (10/9/2014 2:09:00 AM) Post reply

    Touch- this scream-
    slitting eyes- insert in dream-
    a wake to lies- Uncertain?
    Deem reality - a fantasy-

  • Rookie - 547 Points Nehemiah Theophylus Haokip (10/7/2014 7:06:00 AM) Post reply

    My Pencil

    My Pencil make to be my best friend,
    You came in this world for every purpose,
    With full of hardness heart and pain,
    When I was at the age of 5 (five) ,
    I start handelling you with my innocence hand,
    With full of joy and tears.
    My dear
    Are you not hurt
    When we sharp your body in to flower shape?
    Why does your blood not come out?
    I wish if I could touch your pain when it hurts,
    You are only the magic stick,
    When I can defeat the white paper.
    And pain up them to 123 Numbering,
    ABCD Alphabet and underline Curve.
    My dear magic stick,
    How long would you run with your black teeth,
    Spending your expensive blood?
    How many miles would you keep on dancing?
    And How long will your black teeth last?
    My dear,
    How does you wish to live in this world,
    When the people does not the way of your hard woking?

    My dear be love Pencil,
    You always tried to lead us toward your perfection,
    But we don’t recognized your experience,
    Dear you may be thin and short,
    But your energy is more supreme than our energy.
    Wish we could energy like you.

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