Comedy Store

Flying Raisins

Flying raisins are in the air, there are flying raisins everywhere
I see them flying all around, I see them landing on the ground
I wish they would just go away, but they’ll just come back another day
I see them flying in the sky, I see them getting in my pie
I see them walking on my cake, I see them in everything I make
I wish they would just go away, but they’ll just come back another day
I find them in my cookie dough, I don’t know why they just won’t go
I do not like them can’t you see, flying raisins are all over me
I don’t know where they come from, I just want them to leave
There’s three or four more on my shirt, and two more on my sleeve
Then I saw the open box, sitting high upon the rack
I pulled it down then turned it around, it said, “ CAUTION “ on the back
It said, not for use in cooking, such as cookies, cakes or pies
For I thought I bought a box of raisins, but they were laboratory flies

Deer Hunters' Camp

It's another year of Deer Hunters' Camp
Where my friend Tom caught fire while igniting his lamp.
He screamed, 'Put me out! ' as he ran out of sight.
I yelled, 'Stop, dropp and Roll... and you'll be alright! '
Then there was Greg, who loved to get drunk.
He passed out in his tent, while hugging a skunk.
Him stinking so bad, it must have been hell.
So, we kept him down wind because of the smell.
Now here comes Bill, who brought us a treat.
He fed us all jerky that smelled just like feet.
We about beat him to death with a bag full of rocks
‘Cause, it wasn't deer jerky, it was hard crusty socks.
We hunted all week without any luck
Then what came into camp was the world's largest buck.
We looked at each other, beaten and tired
Then pointed our guns, but nobody fired.
We seemed to go through this year after year
And I'm never amazed why we haven't got deer.
When we all get together, the deer is the champ
But, there's always next year at Deer Hunters' Camp.

If a dog is a man's best friend that dog has a problem. - Unknown

Morons

Once upon a time, when men are not yet civilized
there live two young men named Barry and Joey
While wondering the beauty of earth, they criticize.
So then the two begin their journey.
With uncertain idea on how they will change the earth
Or when, where and how they start
Their small minds are now enough.
Barry said he will use his hand to merge all separate Islands
Joey with brave said he will sniff the wind so that they will have control
But suddenly the two argue, who will change the water's hue?
And an unbroken silence made until evening
Afterwards when Barry got bored he decide to rest at the wild of wondering
Joey then agrees that they need to meditate under a tall tree.
At the middle of the night Joey fall asleep
And at his dream he is in front of a talking sheep
Joey, Joey, Joey the sheep said
I'm the answer of all the questions you had
Then as the sheep said, Joey ask how to change the earth
The sheep scratch his head and act like sleepy
And he hear a sound " Wake up Joey"
Then cut his dreams and wake.
When Joey is in his consciousness
The two become happy and amaze
" A falling pieces of water" shouting
When at that moment a voice up above roar
They stop and kneel, trembling of fear
And then a fast, razor and terrible light strike a piece of wood.
After striking the wood, it becomes shiny, that can create a light
Barry becomes greedy and grabs the wood very tight
Then he realize that he hurts so he throw it in a grassy surface of land
While Joey begging the earth to strike him also
Later a savor of tasty object passes on their nose
And they see the grass are burning, so they come close
They taste the grass and they satisfy
And they called the light a " Fire"
Food
In
Recreation
Evening.
When the fire fades
The two becomes sad
So they go back home, and conclude it's hard to change the earth or inverse
The two leave a promise on one other, that tomorrow morning they will meet and try to change the universe………
aldrich suarez

Why did the chicken cross the road?Because the chicken's a scumbag, walking all over it without regards to its feelings.

I heard this one from a friend: Three girls are stranded on an island, two have brown hair and one has blonde hair. They see an island in the distance. One girl swims 75% of the way gets tired and drowns. Another girl swims 25% of the way gets tired and drowns. The blonde swims 50% of the way gets tired and swims back to the island she was on before she started swimming.

A father of a boy followed him to his school having heard he failed woefully, father: im sorry, but my son is not a troublesome kid, he reads all time, teacher for you to know my son is typically brilliant.give him an exercise. Teacher: your son is dull, but finds it easy to cause trouble.Okay, : : to boy: : teacher: If you have 3 oranges and i pick 1 what'll be the result. Student: If you pick one out of the 3 oranges, it'll result to a great fight.

I believe the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully
George W. Bush

During the JIHAD war in northern nigeria for islamic state, christians being heavily persecuted.bombing churches here and there.
A scene caught a pastor packing his luggages.

Church member: but pastor you cant do this for christ sake.
Pastor: -im sorry but my family are in the west, i needa go meet them.
Church member: -but why?
Pastor: -you know ive being serving here for past 8yrs. I go home frequently bt now i must confess im going finally.
Church member: -but you preached to us Jesus said come rain, come sun.you must hold your faith.
Pastor replied after min. Silence,
member sighed thinking he won at first, pastor replied'THE SAME JESUS SAID, GO YE INTO THE WORLD AND PREACH THE GOSPEL'

So guess what happened at my Thanksgiving. The turkey was in the oven and we were peeling potatoes when we heard gunshot noises from the oven. My mom opens the oven (expecting fire) and dodges flying glass all matrix style...The glass pan the turkey was in exploded. We got cut. And we all laughed. You want to know what happened next?We had to wash the turkey and stroke it to see if there was anymore glass. We laughed so hard we cut ourselves. Then we were thinking about stuffing it in the microwave. we finally went to wal-mart and bought an aluminum pan to finish cooking the turkey...Dinner was at 11: 30 that day. Best Thanksgiving ever.