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Jefferson Carter Jefferson Carter Male, 91, United States (5/27/2014 4:33:00 PM)

(This massage was posted as a reply to that message)

The original:


SOMBRERO


You bitched about my kisses,
too perfunctory, like one
of those toy birds dipping
its beak into a glass of water.

You’re coming to visit me
& my wife. Who wants to hear
Etta sing “The Jealous Kind”?

I used sex to stay on top.
Once I compared
an old lover’s nipples
to tiny sombreros & you
looked at me with such pity
I felt myself disappear.

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  • Lamont Palmer Rookie - 1st Stage (5/27/2014 11:57:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    My last stanza is simply tighter and better than yours. I broke up your 6 line stanza, and got rid of the words 'and', 'once', and 'old', all of which just made the stanza sluggish:

    I compared a lover's nipples to small sombreros.
    You looked at me with languid pity;
    I felt myself shrivel and disappear.

    I think you're so preoccupied with being plainspoken, that you put tightness and concision on the backburner. It should be in the forefront because thats the essence of strong poetry.

    Replies for this message:
    • Jefferson Carter Rookie - 1st Stage (5/28/2014 2:02:00 PM) Post reply

      Lamont, you are so tin-eared! You think adding " languid" tightens the line? Jayzus, not only does it slacken the line but it's nothing but mere explication, explaining something that doesn ... more

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