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Jefferson Carter Jefferson Carter Male, 92, United States (5/27/2014 4:33:00 PM)

(This massage was posted as a reply to that message)

The original:


You bitched about my kisses,
too perfunctory, like one
of those toy birds dipping
its beak into a glass of water.

You’re coming to visit me
& my wife. Who wants to hear
Etta sing “The Jealous Kind”?

I used sex to stay on top.
Once I compared
an old lover’s nipples
to tiny sombreros & you
looked at me with such pity
I felt myself disappear.

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  • Freshman - 837 Points Lamont Palmer (5/27/2014 11:57:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply
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    My last stanza is simply tighter and better than yours. I broke up your 6 line stanza, and got rid of the words 'and', 'once', and 'old', all of which just made the stanza sluggish:

    I compared a lover's nipples to small sombreros.
    You looked at me with languid pity;
    I felt myself shrivel and disappear.

    I think you're so preoccupied with being plainspoken, that you put tightness and concision on the backburner. It should be in the forefront because thats the essence of strong poetry.

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    • Freshman - 837 Points Jefferson Carter (5/28/2014 2:02:00 PM) Post reply

      Lamont, you are so tin-eared! You think adding " languid" tightens the line? Jayzus, not only does it slacken the line but it's nothing but mere explication, explaining something that doesn ... more

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