Poetics and Poetry Discussion
(5/27/2014 11:57:00 PM)
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My last stanza is simply tighter and better than yours. I broke up your 6 line stanza, and got rid of the words 'and', 'once', and 'old', all of which just made the stanza sluggish:
I compared a lover's nipples to small sombreros.
You looked at me with languid pity;
I felt myself shrivel and disappear.
I think you're so preoccupied with being plainspoken, that you put tightness and concision on the backburner. It should be in the forefront because thats the essence of strong poetry.