Poetics and Poetry Discussion
(5/27/2014 11:57:00 PM)
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My last stanza is simply tighter and better than yours. I broke up your 6 line stanza, and got rid of the words 'and', 'once', and 'old', all of which just made the stanza sluggish:
I compared a lover's nipples to small sombreros.
You looked at me with languid pity;
I felt myself shrivel and disappear.
I think you're so preoccupied with being plainspoken, that you put tightness and concision on the backburner. It should be in the forefront because thats the essence of strong poetry.
Comment of the Day
the clumsy menace,
couldn't stay on the wall ...
it was an inhabitable toil ...
rather livid ...